Suffocation

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przez Luxitt

autorstwa @Luxitt

Noun

Despair- A complete lose or absence of hope

Do you ever feel like your drowning? Maybe it's because of your lies or another person's lies. Maybe your drowning because your thoughts are toxic and slowly killing you inside.

Have you seen that one kid at school whose always smiling? The happy kid that if you were to say that they were depressed people would laugh and say, "Yeah right!" Or maybe it's not everybody who thinks that but say a group of friends. Imagine having that pedestal. That pressure of maintaining this image of being the happy one. I am one of those kids. Put on a pedestal to be the happy one when all shit breaks loose and maintain this calm composure when all you want to do is nothing at all but sit alone, where no one can find you.

How hard is it to be the happy one when all you want to do is cry and tell someone how you feel? I personally keep to myself normally. If my goal is to try and keep everyone happy, why make them feel upset because of my emotion? I know it's not good but it has become a habit. Now i'm going to tell you a little story that starts like this...

A normally girl who is happy and cheerful starts attending middle school. Crazy so far right? You continue to be happy until you begin to notice things. About yourself and about others. Now as children we don't really care to much about our looks but as we grow older we begin to change to fit society's standards. Middle and high school is where this normally begins to happen at least in my generation. As normal girls would of my age I began to feel as though how I looked wasn't good enough. My hair was all wrong, my clothes were not right, I wasn't as matured as some of my peer's. That is when this suffocation began. Born from the mind of a girl who didn't think she was good enough. There was now worries pent up inside this young girl wondering if she would be judged of a single outfit she wore or thing she said. In all honesty, she probably was. Even if we don't realize it, everyone judges someone at first glance without knowing. I'm no exception. I've judged people before because of something they wore without giving it a second thought, at least not a second thought then. It's hard to walk around knowing that people are already building up who you are based off how you look.

Now I grew accustom to a group of friends. In this group of friends, most of them weren't in the healthiest of mindsets. Many of them actually cut and had scars. I felt as though it was my responsibility to be the happy one. I was at first but then toxic thoughts seemed to flood in constantly leaving me to wonder. Now I was a rather shy girl in school so some of my thoughts consisted of 'Would anyone even notice if I was gone?' I never cut or attempted but that doesn't mean I never thought about doing it. It's what happens when your thoughts kill you inside and slowly make you wish you were gone. As a young teen with these thoughts I kept them to myself only sharing how I felt with one friend who I don't think completely grasped what I was trying to say. A young girl who was reserved and somewhat depressed was striving to make everyone happy. That is a mix waiting for disaster. Now how many people would believe you if you said this girl was sad, depressed, crying herself to sleep? Not many especially if they see her in a happy mood all the time and always smiling.

Now before this is over I want to leave you with two thoughts. You see many smiles everyday but you never know whose world is actually upside down and that don't trust what you see even salt looks like sugar.

- 682 words