After Janie Died

I Wrote You Letters

"She's the last one I expected. I guess it's always the good who die young, isn't it?" August's nimble fingers tapped my thigh while his left hand was steering the wheel of his 1995 Ford Taurus. I give him a peculiar look because the thigh is a weird place to touch a woman who's just your friend. Actually, I don't know if I could even call us friends anymore. I haven't spoken to August in two years. I ran into him when I was home for Christmas. He was pumping gas into the same beater we're traveling in right now. Flakes of snow collected in his copper hair. He looked so sad, sucking on a cigarette while standing outside in the freezing Maine weather. I didn't want him to notice me, but he did. His whole face opened up into a bright, cheesy smile and he waved to me. I walked over to him and hugged him tightly. I pretended like I had missed him as much as he had missed me despite the fact that I was trying to avoid eye contact with him just moments ago.
"We should get drinks sometime! We are both twenty-one now." He had said. I smiled and managed to choke out the word 'definitely'.
"Do me a favor and don't tell Sebastian that I'm home for the holidays." I'd asked him on that night two years ago.
"Don't worry about it, Tess. I haven't talked to Sebastian in a long time. He's busy running his father's business. He doesn't have time for blue collar guys like myself."
Today, we were driving to Sebastian's house in our hometown of Longing, Maine.
"Yeah, I didn't expect Janie to die. I guess nobody expects anybody to die at twenty-three." I say, he nods.
"I don't know why I agreed to stay at Sebastian Day's house when I still live in Longing." August shrugs.
"To see everyone again. It's nice to see everyone. We all used to be so close, now we all have different lives. We don't get to see each other." It's my turn to pat August on his thigh, he shakes his head.
"No, none of us make time to see each other. That's the truth. It's just empty promises anymore."
I feel awkward for a second. Until August adds a reassuring "and that's okay" at the end of his sentence.
"I don't know why I agreed to come to be honest with you. I said I'd never come back to Longing, that I hated this town, and I do hate it. I hate the people, the houses, the everything."
"Well, some of us couldn't afford to get out of here." August smiles despite my insensitivity to his situation. He joined the army after high school but was later dishonorably discharged. He never really elaborated on why; something about him being depressed and threatening to shoot himself. I never thought the army was a good fit for August James. He didn't take orders very well and was the kindest most passive person I've ever known. I would say Janie was the kindest person I've ever known because she's dead and all now, but that would be lying. Janie wasn't really the kindest. She was strong and stood up for us, her less popular yet closest friends. She wasn't afraid of what others thought and sought change. August was okay with whatever happened in his life. It's not that he believed everything happened for a reason, he wasn't spiritual. It was more of a terminal state of contentment and some carelessness as well.
"You tried to get out of here, August. A lot of people didn't even try." I placed a hand on his shoulder.
Now he was managing the grocery store on Sullivan street. I remember him telling me that when we were talking on the phone discussing plans a few days ago. He told me his boss will give him the week off and not count it against him. He sounded so happy. My boss gave me the week off and paid me for it.
We passed the old ice cream parlor on the way into town, it was the first thing you saw. I'm not sure how that place has stayed in business all these years with its watered down soft serve cones and garish fifty's decor despite the place opening in 1987.
"I was lonely in the army, I think that's why I felt the way I did. I think that's why I got kicked out."
I tapped my own thigh now, guilt causing a sweat to break out underneath my gray turtleneck. Him an I were opposites in a way. He depended on people for his happiness and I didn't. I could go months without seeing the people that I loved and be okay with it, it was hard for him to go days. That's why it was so easy for me to leave and never look back.
"I wrote you letters." I say meekly.
My eyes stay locked on the uncarpeted floor of August's car.
"I know you did." He smiles which reassures me of my morality.
I'm not a bad person. August doesn't think so.
"Thanks for picking me up at the airport." I say for the first time, realizing I didn't before.
"No problem."
We reached the better part of town about ten minutes later. The houses were all behind gates. It was the kind of wealth that you didn't need to show off. Everyone knew by looking at the shiny metal gate that something great was behind it. Longing was a coastal town. This meant that there was a great divide between rich and poor. If you had a house behind a gate on the water, you were usually insanely wealthy. However, there were also three different trailer parks and four run down apartment buildings. We passed Sebastian's parents' house and waves of high school nostalgia rocked my body. I try to avoid driving by the nicer neighborhoods when I visit my family. Looking at Sebastian's parents' driveway made me think of my first kiss. I didn't know what I was doing then. He leaned into me, his lips centimeters away from mine.
"What are you doing?" I had muttered, I stepped back nervous as hell.
"I was going to kiss you." Sebastian laughed. I remember him pushing his long, black hair out of his eyes as he said this. His eyes were such a deep, soulful brown and I thought about them daily in high school.
"Okay." I said, and he did. My first kiss was quick and left me wanting more. It felt like something a family member would give me. That's not the kind of kissing I had observed through the movies I watched and imagined in my head through the books I read.
"Kiss me again. Like you mean it." I told him, and of course he complied. Sebastian was only a year older, but so much more experienced than I was at the time. He was short, only five eight, but his face made up for it. I've already went on about his eyes a little bit, but they were really something. He could get so much with just a certain look. Sebastian would narrow his huge, brown eyes and curve his lips into a charming half-smile.
Because of this power, he found himself at the young age of sixteen hooking up with older women he met at work where he waited tables part-time. He didn't tell me about this until after the first time we had sex. I knew Sebastian wasn't a virgin when we met, but I didn't know the disgusting extent of his sexual history. The amount of times he would saunter into bars armed with a fake ID and an abundance of confidence searching for a woman to take home and never call again.
Now, I can't believe I trusted him enough to not ask about that. I don't know if I was naive, blinded by love, or both.
That kiss, my second kiss but my first real kiss, was wonderful. His soft lips parted mine and he slipped his tongue in my mouth at the right time. I laughed, thinking it was a funny feeling to have someone else's tongue in your mouth; to feel that muscly texture and the wetness of spit that wasn't your own. He didn't laugh and kissed me harder. I felt like he couldn't get enough, until he stopped abruptly. Somehow, I still was left craving more.
"Are you okay?" August looked over at me. I must have had a weird look on my face. Most likely the one that I get when disassociating. Sometimes I'll look at the ground and put a finger in my mouth.
We were about to pull into Sebastian's driveway. He didn't hide his wealth like the other members of this community, he displayed it. His house was enormous with a perfect, manicured lawn in front of it. His house was built with brick and classic-looking. It wasn't anything like what he talked about wanting when we were younger which was one of those ugly boxy modern homes. He was able to talk about his dream house like that years ago, and it wasn't a dream for him. Sebastian knew that at seventeen he was going to be able to afford close to any house he wanted in the near future. Now, since he grew the company he was able to afford any house he wanted.
A shiver ran up my spine as I fantasized for a minute. What if I didn't go to college? What if I married Sebastian fresh out of high school like he had wanted? This house, the kind of house that I told him I've always wanted was now his. The wrap-around porch, the intricate wood detailing, the brick walkway and the pond it surrounded, it could have all been mine. August seemed relatively unfazed by Sebastian's incredible brick mansion. I assumed he's driven by it many times before, maybe even been there before. I know that after August was dishonorably discharged and came home Sebastian didn't make time to see him. Perhaps that was the downfall of their friendship. Sebastian was on the porch waiting for us. I haven't seen him since high school graduation. I could feel my heart beat all over my body, a sick warm feeling.
I got out of August's car, which looked so out of place parked in front of Sebastian's car. August walked over to Sebastian and hugged him. Although I hadn't seen August in quite some time, I could still tell when his smile was genuine as opposed to forced. Right now he was forcing it. The corners of his eyes remained smooth. They didn't crinkle like they did when he was really happy. I remember one time when Molly brought us all marijuana that she had stolen from her father. Her father was a rich liberal lawyer. He dealt with people who were on trial for drug possession. These people were a lot less fortunate than he was, less privileged. They went to jail for something Molly's dad used to unwind after a hard day at the office. I don't know if that ever resonated with Molly, I think she was just excited to get high. We all were, especially August. I couldn't believe August was going into the military because of how dependent he became on the stuff, he starting smoking it everyday. One time, his eyes rolled back and he let his head hang like a rag doll. We all thought something was wrong, that Molly's dad's marijuana was laced with something. Then, August sat up and laughed uncontrollably in his state of inebriation. His smile was real there. Eyes all wrinkly, big teeth showing, the dimple on his right cheek came out of hiding. It was such a contrast to his smile that he was displaying now.
"August! I've missed you." Sebastian said, and I snorted.
"You miss someone who you haven't bothered to see in years but live in the same town as?" I walked up to him and looked into his eyes. The first pair of brown eyes I've ever fallen in love with. There's been two guys since Sebastian, both with brown eyes.
"I've missed you too, Tessa."
I felt him wrap his arms around me but in a different way than he used to.
"I'll show you guys around." He smiled and grabbed my bag out of my hand.