Vagaries

Someday

The school cafeteria is somewhat crowded, filled with students eating their lunch as they chat with their friends. Lunch time is the only time aside from free periods when students get to relax and gather around with their friends. For some people, lunch is the only part they liked about school. Personally, I like to spend my lunch in the library. It's peaceful and quiet, not to mention private, since almost nobody likes to go there. I don't really like crowds. That's one of the reasons why I choose to sit at the furthermost corner of the cafeteria, unseen and far from the actual crowd. The other reason is that from this position, I can easily take a good look at him without anyone noticing.

I don't know how or why I fell for him in the first place. All I know was that I feel something for him and I can't shake it off. A year ago he was simply one of my classmate who is on the school's track team. I didn't really consider him as anyone other than another one of my classmates. But for the last six months I couldn't stop thinking about him. Perhaps it first started when he smiled at me that day on English class. Or was it when his knees brushed mine when he picked up his pen on Calculus? I can't remember.

He always brings his own lunch, unlike most of the students here, who prefer to buy the school lunch. He is sitting alone in several tables away from me. He always sits on that table, or at least that's what I have noticed for the past month or so. It's always the same for him: an apple, two Nature Valley granola bars, and a sandwich. I take a look on my own lunch tray, consisted of some mashed potato and gravy, chicken nugget and some green salad. I start picking on my chicken nuggets as I think of what I would say to him, if I ever muster up enough courage.

"Hey, I don't know if you know me, but we have Calculus together. Would you be interested in going out with me someday?" Perhaps if I ever am brave enough, that's what I would say. It sounds so straightforward and completely un-me. Let's be realistic--I can't even say hi to him in the hallway, even though his locker is basically across mine. The most I can say is probably, "Hi. You dropped your pen." And I would probably be blushing so much that I can't even look at his face.

Perhaps someday I would be brave enough to do so. Perhaps someday, I will have enough confidence to come up to him and tell him that I, too, have read To Kill A Mockingbird at least fifty times, just like him and that I know he carries that book around pretty much everywhere. Someday, I will muster up enough courage to give him the sequel to that book that has been sitting on my desk for nearly two months now.

Perhaps someday, I can sit next to him in the cafeteria, laughing at every jokes he makes, smiling back at his beautiful dimples as we eat lunch together. Perhaps someday, I get to come to one of your track practice and we can go get milkshake down at Kiddle's. Someday, you'll be there watching one of my plays, cheering me from the audience seats. Someday, I won't be alone every Friday night, watching other people's romance from a computer screen and instead I will be with him, living my own love story.

Perhaps someday, I will be confident enough to tell you how much I adore his messy golden blond hair and how much I want to run my hands through your hair. Perhaps someday, I will be able to look into those deep hazel eyes without blushing unnecessarily and tell myself how lucky I am to have you in my life. Someday, in some way I will be brave enough to tell you how I feel and perhaps, in some twisted universe, you feel the same way and we can be together.

I look up from my lunch tray to see that he is no longer alone. I know I should go back to eating my lunch, but I find myself unable to look away. There's just something about him that captures me. I can see him light up, now that he's no longer alone. He smiles to the person sitting next to him and leans closer as he kisses her.

Perhaps someday, I smile sadly. I get up from my seat and put the lunchtray to where it should be. Walking towards the exit, I tell myself that perhaps someday, I'll tell him how I feel, even though I know he might never feel the same way.

Someday, but not today.