It wasn't often that I saw Kaz this way. He wasn't bantering with the inner circle or giving a light hearted peptalk to the troops. He was simply staring out the window. The moonlight shining just enough for me to make out his soft face. Trel'ma often teased him about his more feminine features. Pouty lips and long, blonde hair. His eyelashes seemed to go on for miles when he closed his eyes.
I sat across from him. I enjoyed these moments. Where we sat in the quiet night and just soaked in our pseudo-isolation. No sound but our breath or the livly secra beetles. Kaz must have felt the same, as he would often gesture to his room when things got too loud in the common area. We didn't usually stay in silence, but when we did there was a special kind of peace.
I must have trailed off in thought because I felt a hand brushing the hair from my face. Kaz had moved beside me, unwrapping one of his beloved vanilla suckers. He popped it in his mouth and smiled.
"Its been a long day, do you wanna head to bed?" Kaz asked, toying with the sucker stick between his teeth.
"No, I'm fine. I dunno if I'll get to sleep tonight." Kaz sighed at my reply. I looked up at him pointingly. He just smiled back. It wasn't a happy kind of smile though. His lips curled only slightly and his eyes softened with regret. I had to look away. I couldn't stand him looking at me like that. But I could still feel the burn of his gaze.
"Is it the nightmares again?" I felt my heart sink. I didn't want to admit it, it made me feel weak and helpless. We were the foundations of this resistance and if I let my weakness overcome me then what would happen?
I tried to steel my heart. "I'm fine, I promise." My voice threatened to crack and my eyes stung. I squeezed them shut and told myself to buck up. But my efforts crumbled when I felt the slight coolness of his skin pressed against me. His arms wrapped around my head. I heard his heart beating faster than usual. I could feel his heart breaking.
"Annie, please lean on me. I can't stand to see you go through this alone." Kazs' sucker fell to the floor, it had hit my shoulder as Kaz slid to his knees. He grabbed my waist and buried his head in my lap. He gingerly fingered the back of my shirt. His hair brushed my bare legs and his breath warmed my lap. I gazed up at the ceiling. I held back my tears for a moment but soon my heart couldn't take any more. Like a cup taking in one drop too many my tears over flowed.
It had been two weeks since the day Kaz had rescued me. And everyday since Kaz had changed my bandages, helped me up and down the stairs, made my medicine. I didn't want to burden him more.
"I can still smell the coal. The hot iron and burning leather. I feel hungry, even after eating until I puke. My mouth is always dry and my skin itches. My dreams are filled with bittersweet days of flying, only to be shot down like a bird." I doubled over, burying my face in Kaz's hair. It smelled of vanilla, unsurprisingly. It was almost comical how much of Kaz reminded me of vanilla. From his scent and his favorite candy to the way he speaks and moves. It all reminds me of vanilla. Even his hair was light blonde, only a shade or two darker than the yellow-white of the vanilla plants flower.
In the pale moonlight we cried, holding each other like we could meld into one being. Taking each others sins and insecuries and balancing them out. And in that moment, we felt whole.
Lifting up from our embrace, he touched my face and wiped the tears away. I looked into his eyes and realized something. Had we ever affirmed what this was? I felt something akin to love but did he? We stopped for a moment, seemingly holding our breath. Slowly, we closed in. As if we had thought the same thing, we came closer together. His breath smelt like what I expected, vanilla. I couldn't help but wonder if he tasted like it too.
