✔ BRING ME BACK | panwink

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maybe i didn't realise it soon enough, guanlin.

maybe my stubbornness overshadowed my true feelings for you.

heh.

let's make this easier. remove the "maybes" and all of the guesswork.

i know i didn't realise these feelings inside of me. i know i was being too stubborn. i didn't want to admit it. i didn't want to believe it. always caring about my public image, but not your emotions.

ive been so bad to you. so, so, bad.

how can you still smile at me like that?

- -

" i don't know what it is.
a compelling feeling in my heart.
truly, resisting you tears me apart.
some have told me this is unhealthy.
giving up everything for you.
this isn't the saddest part.
im fed up because you don't even know.

ive never felt so overwhelmed.
not just because i'm completely infatuated with you,
but because the eyes that once stared back,
doesn't even look at me now.
i'm afraid i'll fall deeper.
i'm afraid of everything.
i'm afraid of you.

in romance novels and books,
love is portrayed as something pretty.
the hopeless romantic inside of me believed it for a while.
it's not all sunshine and daisies.
if it were really that beautiful,
i would've felt free.
yet all i feel is fear.

why am i like this?
the mere thought of being in love
makes me sick to my stomach
i used seek comfort in the concept of love
waited and waited to find the one
so, why am i afraid?
so afraid of loving you. "

- afraid, by yours truly

park jihoon is probably the most beautiful human being i've, personally, seen in my entire life. sometimes i question how he can walk around and not get mauled by girls. his eyes brown and muddy, yet his lips clean and cherry-hued. his hair is always messy, but he manages to pull it off so well.

at first, i thought i was envious of his looks. if we're being reasonable here, his beauty and grace was undeniable. you think no male has dreamt of having his face and wooing everyone that breathed?

but as i continued to grow up, i noticed something very peculiar.

this started when i was in high school, the first year specifically. jihoon was on his last year, and was about to set off to yonsei. i was a struggling freshman, always nervous about this and that. jihoon was just being himself, and he was, frankly, very relaxed. well, depends on what "relax" means to you. he was just... less stressed than usual.

this time around, he started taking care of himself more and more. prepping not only his face, but as well as the real park jihoon. he grew up in only a span of ten months. his skin got softer, his cheeks got fuller, his lips got plumper. his personality was changing quickly. he was more... laid back and cool. mature.

being the kid who looks up to jihoon, i loved the change. nerdy, dorky jihoon was transformed into chic, cool jihoon in a short span of time.

this was around the time i fell in love with him. honestly, ive always agreed on the fact that i was in love with him. that was a very casual thought in my head, and this thought was on my mind 24/7. not that i cared, really.

but he changed. he changed into someone i no longer recognised. yet i fell so hard for.

this made me utterly confused.

and that's exactly what my current state is right now.

that confusion blossomed into something bigger. not only was i perplexed, i was scared.

of course, my fear didn't develop for no reason at all. a lot factors obviously affected me.

like for example, he doesn't hang out with me anymore because i wasn't his "aesthetic". at first, i totally understood. but now, i don't understand why i understood and accepted that reason. jihoon was being self-centered; he surrounded himself with people that fit his image. people like seulgi, minghao, jennie, and yoongi. cynical, chic, and couldn't care less about anything.

i didn't fit into these requirements, apparently. i was sporty, dorky, lanky, and smiling almost everyday. he didn't continue our beautiful friendship because of his public image. it sucked. it really did.

as time passed, i started to accept it. jihoon probably just wanted to expand his circle of friends, for he was someone that was especially social.

until i found out that he pretended to not know me. i quickly scolded myself. why did i even understand him in the first place?

one of his friends saw me walking around the campus and asked jihoon if he knew me and wanted to ask for my number. jihoon said 'no' and walked away with her. i found this out from daehwi, a trusted friend of mine who was nearby and could hear the conversation.

it made me sick to my stomach.

park jihoon became someone he was not.

this pink-loving fluff ball somehow transitioned into someone who wore black despite of the weather.

jihoon, who was once someone i knew as joyous and uplifting, became the jihoon he is now: cynical and cold.

what was going on?