Things To Do Before You Die

Oh, Cynthia

"We got your test results back, Cynthia, and I'm sorry to tell you this but it's not good."

"What do you mean 'not good'? Is that a 'this will never go away' not good, or a 'you will never walk again' not good, or a 'you're dying' not good?"

"It's a, um. A terminal kind of not good."

"So 'you're dying' it is! Jesus Christ. Doc, I came in here for a checkup, what the fuck do you mean I'm dying?"

"I'm, um, God, I'm so sorry. I noticed something off about your bloodwork, so I had them do more tests and, um. I thought there might be something wrong with your brain so I sent you off to get that MRI, remember? You have, um, brain cancer. You only have four months or so before the tumor gets large enough to block the flow of cerebral-spinal fluid and end your life. I'm sorry. I wish we could operate but the placement of the tumor makes it impossible."

"Are there no other options? Chemo, radiation, meds, nothing?"

"God, I wish. You have a rare type of cancer so chemo would just make you sick without any improvement and radiation isn't viable for brain cancer. You're, um, dying, and there isn't anything I or anyone else can do about it."

"Well, then you can take the bill for this visit and shove it up your ass."

"I can... conveniently misplace it and find it in a few months?"

"Ha, alright. Thanks Doc."

"It's... the least I can do. Go enjoy what time you have left."

oOo

"I know Mom, I wish it wasn't true. I got a second opinion and they said the same thing. I—c'mon, don't cry, you'll make me cry—I'm driving over now, I'll see you really soon. Yeah, it's a long drive, but whatever. I have to see you, so what's five hours? Mom, seriously, I can't cry right now or I'll crash and die now instead of in four months. Hey, hey, don't scream at me, I know it's not funny, but how else am I supposed to deal with this? Ignore it? Fuck that. Jesus, Mom, I'm a grown ass adult with an expiration date I can say fuck if I want to! Well then, what do you want me to call it? I have to call it something. Terminus? Departure date? Head to terminal 2 in November for your flight to hell! God, Mom, I'm kidding, we don't even believe in hell! Whatever, you can yell at me all you want when I get there. I'm hanging up now! I gotta listen to music as loud as I can, because guess who doesn't have to worry about going deaf when I'm 70! Hmph, fine, killjoy. See you soon. Love you too."

oOo

"Yes, Courtney, I'm dying. I sold my condo and quit my job and opened six credit cards and I will damn sure make the most out of the next three months. So, I ask you again: will you or will you not come to Tahiti with me? I have a list of all the places I need to go, and all the people I need to hang out with, and I'm starting with taking your stupid ass to Tahiti."

"Cyn, you know I can't afford that! I really wish I could but it's just not realistic for me, I have to think about Charlotte. Bill and I make enough for bills but not nearly enough for Tahiti."

"What part of 'opened six credit cards' did you not understand? This shit's all on me! Or, more accurately, it's on Bank of America! You think I'm paying a single bill ever again? Fuck that noise!"

"What happens when you, um..."

"When I die?"

"God I hate hearing that, but yeah. What happens to the debt?"

"I'm the only name on all the cards, so when I die, the responsibility to pay the debt off dies with me. I talked to Jonathan about it, he said that as long as no one else's name is attached to anything with debt, the debt can't be transferred, and the bank just has to suck it up. So Bank of America is treating us to a Tahiti trip, Wells Fargo is paying for Paris after, and who knows after that!"