A Field Of Daisies

I'm A Mess {Ellie}

The bathroom floor is not as welcoming as I had hoped it would be. 

Of course, It would be weird to expect the tile floor of a small apartment bathroom to be the comfiest place to fall asleep at 4 am, but I had still hoped it would be a nice shelter from all the screaming that was currently taking place downstairs. But I could still hear it, as clear as I had back in my cramped bedroom. 

"This is the fifth time in a row, Gillian! How can you keep-?"

"As if you've ever cared about me before this, Mom!"

I drone out my sister's voice as I jammed my cheap earbuds into my ears and raise the volume on my go-to playlist. As much as Josh annoys me, I have to admit, he doesn't have the worst taste in music. 

Speak of the devil. 

A message from Josh appears on my phone: u up?

I'm almost tempted not to reply, but well, in technical terms he is my boyfriend so I won't be a complete ass towards him. 

Or maybe on second thought. 

No. Why?  I type and hit send. I lay back down on the frayed rug and survey the remains of the plastering pink ceiling. 

Oh, Josh. Sweet, naive Josh, falling in love with the first girl who pays him any attention. I just wish that girl hadn't been me. 

Just wondering if you wanted to hang tomorrow. Yes, he said hang. No, never a date, just to hang. God, no Josh, of course I don't want to hang with you. 

If I'm being honest, he's not particularly interesting. He's sweet, I guess. I'm not really sure how to describe him. The only reason I'm with him in the first place is stability. If nothing else he's the only stable thing in my crazy life. I'm really just biding my time until I can break up with him in person, after all I'm not a monster. 

Sorry. Can't, mom's b-day. I reply, sighing. 

My mother and sister are still downstairs arguing over my sister's late night drinking habits. Great. 

I had a plan. I was going to finally, finally do it tomorrow. After months of preparation and planning, I was going to tell my mom tomorrow.

Y'know, just a casual "Happy Birthday, Mom! Oh, and by the way, I'm bisexual, so even though I'm dating Josh I find girls attractive too!"

Not that she'd be okay with it. I can't imagine her as one of those parents who go to a pride parade or buy rainbow shirts for their child. I imagine her more as someone who would scream at their child and not let them leave their room for a month. 

If my dad were here he might listen to me, at least try to understand. He always did. 

I sigh and bury my face in my hands, laying my phone on the ground as I close my eyes, the lull of soft pop soothing me to sleep.

Maybe it's just better not to tell anyone. I don't want anything bad to happen, especially not something that I can control. Some things are best kept a secret.