water

Surrounded by the water I try to look up. However, have you ever noticed when or if you went swimming in a lake, in a sea or in an ocean you will see a world in it, a different one. Small and big fishes will swim by you; the plants will softly glide over your body, like silk. When you try to look up outside of the water you can see colours and shapes, but you will not be able to decipher what it is.

Water, it's necessary. It isn't only important for me, but for every single person in the world. What would we even do without water! We would probably die or there would have been something else instead of water to survive.

Anyway you need water to survive, but it can also kill you. Water isn't safe, it's deceiving. You need to drink an amount of water a day. If you drink too less, it isn't good. If you drink too much, it isn't good.

That's the same with people. You need an amount of people per day. For example, you need your family and friends a lot. You need them everyday. But other people, you don't know, you don't need them that much. When you stop seeing your family and friends or if something happens, a part of your soul dies. It can make you lose control of yourself. It CAN kill you.

When you see others you don't know too much, it can freak you out. Why are they everywhere where I am? Are they following me? You get overwhelmed, well at least I get overwhelmed and scared.

I get scared of change and in this case change is seeing people I don't know too much or if someone I love and care about leaves me. It kills a part of me, always.

That's why I didn't love getting out of the house much, because if I stayed inside nothing will change. However I did need to go to school, but that wasn't a big problem either, because everyone was the same, not a lot changed.

One day everything changed I lost my little brother and it was my entire fault. If I just hadn't been so stubborn. I should've been normal, I shouldn't have been scared of change, but I am; I still am and I always will be. Now I ignore that part of me as much as I can. I hide it behind this mask.

Surrounded by the water I try to look above me. I try to find my world, but I can't. Why is it when you have a lake or something else full of water you can't see through it clearly. But why is it when you have a glass of water you can perfectly see through it. It's deceives us, that's how!

I am that glass of water. Everyone can see through me. They can read me like an open book, because I am open like that. However that isn't the truth. I am not an open book, but it seems like I am an open book. Actually the thing people see is something I made, it's a mask. I am hiding behind a mask, but no one knows or realizes that it is a mask. They are all lies.

I am not that happy you know as I pretend to be every single day. I pretend to be that happy, because sometimes my happiness affects others which makes them happy and that gives me a little bit of happiness, but not enough. When I am sad, which is actually all the time, I expect others to do the same for me but they don't and it hurts, because no one wants me to be happy apparently.

One day I realized that my mask was so good, that no on realized how sad I was, how broken I was, how lonely I was, how scared I was of everything. How much I needed real love and happiness; someone to make me less afraid, more save. However it was too late and I changed. I stopped caring for others, I stopped making them happy. I changed.

Surrounded by the water I am freezing. It's so cold. The water is wrapping me up in a cold hug from which I want to run away, but I can't.

When the water is too cold it can freeze you to death. When the water is too warm it can burn you to death. Water really is deceiving.

It deceives others like I do. I have been deceiving people, lying to them, and breaking my promises to them. Why do I do that, would he ask? He, who is the only person that tried to know me, tried to make me happy, tried to be there for me, tried to make me less lonely, tried to make me feel less afraid, tried to make me feel safe and last but not the least he tried to bring out the real me, but it was too late for that. He tried, but it wasn't enough, I was long gone by then.

I like deceiving others, because I feed of other people's pain. It's my defence mechanism. It makes sure I won't be hurt and I can't change it, I can't.

Surrounded by the water of which I have had too much, it's everywhere inside of me and outside of me; I struggle so it will release me of the cold, cold hug. So I can see the world outside of it, instead of the colours or the shapes. But I am tired of the world outside of me, I am tired of who I am in the world outside of me. The water can't release me, because it has wrapped me up completely and drowns me to the end where death takes over me, finally releasing me from this pain of my life.