Most Memorable Moments

Best Friend

July 23, 2018: 

Once there was a boy, who I've known since we were kids and since then he's been my best friend. But one day, because he had finally decided to put up the courage to ask me if I like him too. With one in a million chances, he already assumed that I'd say no. Because he'd believed in his life love always goes the opposite from what he wanted. But this time fate surprised him, his doubts were wrong. My answer was a yes. Now, before I had said "yes", there was hesitation involved. Before I deny and refuse to let this happen because I chose friendship over relationship. I didn't want our friendship to be put at risk. But now I wanted to because I had a feeling that I, too, have feelings for him too. So I wanted to give myself a chance to see whether it's true or not, in other words, "testing the waters". 

Although our small dates were always at night time due to our busy schedules in the mornings, our feelings for each other grew. In fact our feelings became stronger and stronger as the days passing by. Although the dates were short and we didn't do much other than to sit around, star gaze, and talk about whatever comes to our minds. But to me even doing the slightest things with him, made my night worthwhile. Everyday I'd always be looking forward to seeing him because he always made my night. Back when we were friends I had never imagine him to be as gentle and as sweet as he is when we were together. Whenever he had the chance to spend time with me, he'd always ask if we can meet up. And for all the times that he ask if we can hangout, after our hangout he'd always be willing to drive me home. Which I find very sweet of him, I guess it's because this is the first time I've ever experienced a guy treating me this well. That every time we got to hangout I get a bubbly feeling and I would never stop smiling to myself just because I'm thinking about the moments we had together. Everyday when I get my own time, my thought goes directly to him and about us. But at the end of every good thought about us, I'd tell myself to not be too engage about this feeling because this all has to end eventually. It sucks because I'd wish this could last longer, but if I don't control the feeling now it will hurt a lot later. Other times I'd tell me myself "screw it" and let my feelings take me away and worry about how I'd feel at the end.

In the beginning, I had agreed that this is just a temporarily thing that we are doing. I wasn't able to accept the fact that this will eventually end. My heart cracked a little each time he'd mention about it or for my thoughts to conclude there. As soon as we both got really engage to the feeling, we had to end it. We didn't talk for awhile since we had "broken up" because we wanted time for the both of us to bring down the feelings. But throughout the time of our "silent treatment", I had gotten mildly depressed. And I've realized, I wasn't able to bring any of it down. So instead of bringing those feelings down, I used it to get me through the days. I keep imagining a real relationship between us, the memories that we might make, and the laughs and smiles that we'd get from each other. Those thoughts did numb my sadness. But realizing that it's all just my dreams, my heart ached more. And my thoughts keeps going back to him and how we stare at each other in the car. 

Finally, after days of being away from each other, he'd messaged me. The message was an apology for getting me involve into his drama and mess. Even though I shouldn't had forgive him, I did anyway. But I didn't know what I should do other than to say the surface of how I'm feeling. I want to tell him that I still have feelings for him, I want to tell him that I will be waiting, I want to tell him that I still hope to have a future with him. But...I didn't want to trigger him to go through the "crash and burn" with me. I care too much about his feelings at the moment that I don't want him to go through the pain with me, or make his pain worse by telling him how much I still love and miss him. I don't want him to carry the pain to go with him when he needs to go back to where he needs to be. I want to begin a real relationship with him, but I won't be selfish. So I will wait. He had said that he'll keep and remember all the happy things that we've done together. And I will too.

Don't worry, whenever you are ready to start something real, I will be here waiting.

"If the person you assume was meant to be yours, no matter how far you go they will always come right back to you." - my best friend.