Narrator's Lament

Are There Any Characters Around?

No? Good.

Not everyone knows this, but we DO have feelings. We think, we react, we have a LITTLE free will. I swear, it's true. How else would I be talking to you right now?

Yeah, I'm addressing you right now. The one sitting there with a laptop, or lying there with a book or ereader or something. I know, I know. The fourth wall is broken. Congrats, you're aware of a trope. Now, I know you're reading this, so you can't hear my sarcastic tone in what I just said- or wait, unless you're listening to one of those audiobooks right now. In that case, I hope whoever's reading this was just speaking in a really sarcastic voice.

But anyway, I'm getting off topic, and you've probably already forgotten how I was referencing a "we" before. I know how all of you read. You're daydreaming. Skimming. But if you WERE wondering what I was talking about, I mean us narrators.

Who did you THINK is telling all these stories in the third person? That would be the narrators. We watch main characters, and we tell all of you what's going on. Ok, I have a correction. We're FORCED to watch main characters. I've been doing this for a while, and let me tell you. After a while, it gets pretty boring to watch the main posse screw things up and fumble with love triangles and junk before winning (because that's what main characters do). I'm honestly sick of it. Every story is the same.

You know, for once I'd like to go on vacation or something. Or maybe just get some recognition. But noooooo. Of course not. Nobody cares about the narrators. It's just "main characters, this" and "plot, that". Whatever.

But yeah. I'm not exactly sure how we exist or anything, and I've never met another narrator, but I'll just kind of wake up with some main character and be able to read their mind and all that. From then on, I pretty much just follow them around and chronicle what they do and say. Sometimes I get even more liberty and I can read EVERYONE'S mind. That's for third person omniscient pieces.

A big problem I have with all of this, though is that I have no freedom of my own. I'm not a character, I'm just a reporter of sorts. No one hears me, no one sees me, nothing. I guess I could just NOT narrate, but I can't. It's like holding up a sign in front of someone who can read. Whether they want to or not, if they see the letters, their mind will automatically interpret the symbols and gather information from it. In other words, it's automatic. You put me in a room with "Jane Goodcharactergirl" and I'll start reciting things about her. Her hair, he eyes, her mannerisms, all that good stuff.

The life of a book narrator is not an exciting one, I'll tell you that. Or a fun one.

I think I'm starting to repeat myself. Guess I'm not as eloquent when there's nothing to be observed and related.

I'm really sorry, honestly. I mean, this is just me complaining. "I'm invisible and intangible", "I can't interfere with the story even if I want to", "Stories are all the same and boring", "I'm tired of doing that same thing", "I don't get any credit", "I have no free will", "No one knows I exist"...it's...it's a lonely existence.

Wait...YOU know I exist. I'm talking to YOU! Wow, I didn't even realize it. Uh, hi there, reader. My name is...well, I don't exactly have one. You can make one up for me, I guess. If you're wondering, I'm kind of just an intangible being of nothing, so you can pick any kind of name you like best. You can even use your own name, if you really like.

So now it's your turn. Take a look at your screen, or the pages or whatever, and say, "Hi, (this is where you say the name you picked)! It's nice to meet you! My name is (and here you say your name)."

I don't care if you're in a bookstore, or the middle of class, or a bench in a park. I couldn't care less if you look crazy. I've never had anyone to talk to before, so go and do it. Say hi.

Thanks. I know you didn't actually talk to your phone or book, but I'm going to pretend you did.

Gosh, it's so nice to know someone is listening. Well, sort of.

But anyway, back to what I was saying before. I wish I didn't have to narrate the "adventures" of all these cookie cutter protagonists. When you boil all the books down to their bare bones, each and every single one of them is the same. There are only so many options at every crossroads, and every single one is cliche. And there is only so much more patience I have left for all of it. I REALLY need a vacation.