The Adventures of Cuthbert Part 10 (The Return of Cuthbert)

Four years. It had been four years since Cuthbert McCuntface had brutally murdered Toby, the Turtle. Ever since then, his life had drastically altered. Cuthbert had only been 15 years old at the time, and was struggling with various different issues, like how many polo shirts he could collect before he turned 17. But now, at the grand age of 19, he had more pressing matters to worry about. Rotherham was nothing like it used to be. The town was mourning the loss of one half of the Chuckle Brothers, and Cuthbert had just made himself a nice sandwich.

Thunder struck in his little bungalow. He had moved out at the age of 7, telling his Mum to fuck off after she threw his Nintendo DS into her handbag. and he had had enough. Prawn cocktail crisps, butter and a bit of tomato ketchup was lined between his mouldy bread. Cuthbert hadn't forgotten about his bread or anything, he preferred aged bread. After he ate his sandwich, Cuthbert started picking his nose when he was stirred by a loud bang.

"Who's there?" asked Cuthbert.

"Esskeetit," replied a mysterious voice.

Cuthbert jumped from his chair. He grabbed his trusty platinum spoon, and quickly downed a glass of sparkling water.

"Not you again! Come out, you fucker. I'm ready for you!" he yelled, as his eyes began watering.

"Haha, chill man, I'm just slicing some onions," said Cuthbert's garden gnome Gerald.

"Begone, Gerald!" screamed Cuthbert, and Gerald disappeared in a flash.

Cuthbert clutched his spoon close to his face, and slowly crept around the corner. He admired his distorted reflection in the spoon, and noticed a spot on his nose when all of a sudden he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Argh, fuck!" whined Cuthbert.

"Haha, ESSKEETIT!" yelled a Hispanic teenager. He was beautiful. He had amazing hair, and his face was covered in tattoos.

"Holy shit, it's Kanye West!" exclaimed Cuthbert.

"Shut the fuck up, fool" replied the Hispanic gentleman, who was most certainly not Mr Kanye West.

"Geez, sorry Kanye, I'm just feeling horny," replied Cuthbert as he squatted down to take a shit on his kitchen floor.

"What the fuck are you doing, man?" yelled the young SoundCloud rapper.

"What does it look like? I'm revising for my GCSE bird watching exam, you stupid beaner!" cried out Cuthbert as his pants filled with smelly poo.

"Man, I'm Lil Pump, I got so much ice, but even I couldn't cool down your crazy temper, hombre!" said Lil Pump. "Man, fuck this shit, I'm outta here!" he yelled, and he climbed down Cuthbert's ladder to his ceiling.

Cuthbert picked up the poo from his pants and rubbed it on his head. It was going to be a good day today. He brushed his tooth, and then walked outside. The rain began falling sideways as Cuthbert strolled onto his car. He sat on the roof of his car, and started wanking off. After he finished his wank, he got into his vehicle and drove into the wall of his house.

Climbing the wall of his house, he used his helicopter to fly to the neighbouring town of Sheffield. 

"There's nothing I hate more than these fucking stupid Sheffield snobs, let's drop a few bombs on them, shall we?" said Cuthbert, and he pissed into a test tube he had, and launched it from his helicopter.

The test tube fell, and landed directly in the face of a university student.

"ARGH, MY EYE!" she screamed, running around in circles.

Her friend Rosalina laughed. "Yeah, you've got no eye, so what?"

"Oh yeah. Phew, thank God for that," replied Patricia, and she pulled the test tube out of her eye socket and popped her glass eye into her bumhole.

Meanwhile, Cuthbert was playing Cluedo against Wally.

"Wally, you're too FUCKING good for this game, you ugly cunt," said Cuthbert.

"Shut your goddamn mouth, you smelly Yorkshire bastard, least I don't smell like fucking gravy you dirty prick." replied Wally.

"Man, no wonder nobody wants to hang around with you, Wally, you stink of fucking tuna and your hat is fucking retarded, why would anyone wear all stripes and boot cut jeans you lanky cunt?" replied Cuthbert angrily.

"You take that back now, you fucking walking calamity," yelled Wally, standing up, bringing himself to his full height.

Cuthbert sat down, bringing himself to his full height. "Get out of my helicopter, now!"

"What helicopter?" replied Wally. "We're in Antigua you retard, you crashed the helicopter nine months ago,"

"Oh shit, yeah, I forgot about that" replied Cuthbert.

He strolled down the beach with Wally, the pair of them chatting about why birds don't just shit in toilets like normal people. They spotted a crowded beach, and the pair began sunbathing.

"I'm just nipping to the toilet, Wally, one sec, lad," said Cuthbert.

"Alright, mate." replied Wally, as he spotted an absolute totty from five yards out.

Cuthbert cartwheeled his way to the changing room. There was a man getting changed in there.

"Get the fuck out, twat, I need to rock a piss," yelled Cuthbert.

"It's a changing room, you idiot." replied the man, seemingly a local as he spoke with a strong accent.

"Too bad, I need a piss, begone." said Cuthbert, and the local disappeared with a flash.

Cuthbert pulled his trousers down, and pissed his pants. Satisfied, he pulled his pants down and put his trousers back on, before taking one sock and eating it. Choking, he brushed his other tooth, had another wank, and then finished onto his shoe. He put his shoes on his head, and walked out into the beach.

"Where's Wally?" he asked himself, scouting the beach out for his friend. There were suddenly a lot more people than Cuthbert remembered, and apparently stripes were back in fashion again.

"Fuck this, I'm going to bed."

To be CONTINUED. Maybe.