lost then found, locked up then free

When I Met You

          7 pm. Bored with friends. Pretty average Friday night, i thought. 

I get a text from a friend Abby, "Wanna go to the skating rink?". I decided to go. I was bored and figured why not, i haven't gone in a while anyways. So she picks me up and we go to her house first. Then she called over her boyfriend, he brings beer and weed. i wasn't going to because we were going in public but i figured why not? who cares right? After an hour passes and we are all so high we almost forgot we bought tickets to skate. So then we leave. When we got to the rink we decided to smoke another blunt before going in. I always got hyper after smoking so when we go in you can totally tell how hyped we are. Heading toward the food court, there are these two boys in front of us, and they were skating super super slow. Me being who i was at the time i yelled "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, DAMN!!". It haunts me how terrible i was to people.

Later on the same guys are standing at the half wall that separates the rink from the food court and doors leading outside. They were reaching out giving people skating high fives, at the time i had no idea it was the same guys, so i skated over to them, and gave one a high five. This happened about five times. Eventually, he would hold my hand, and run around the rink with my hand in his, and honestly i thought it was kind of sweet. Until he fell. i rushed off the rink to see if he was okay. "Yeah, im fine." he said holding his elbow which ended up with rug burn. From there on me and him were hanging out, for the rest of the night. When the night came to a end, and the rink was closing, i had to see him again, so i asked for his number, but he didn't have one, so i got his Facebook. Alexander, that was his name. When i got home, i added him as soon as i got in my bedroom. He called me over Facebook Messanger, and we video chatted all night long! i already felt so happy to be talking to him! a few months later of video chatting everyday, even while at school, he finally asked me out! i said yes of course! For another month it was happiness, and all i ever thought about was seeing him again. One day while video chatting we decided to hang out in person again. but he did live forty five minutes away, so i had to beg my mom to take me, she finally did! When i finally got there we were both so happy! I was so in love with him. But slowly, i realized he wasn't the guy i thought i fell in love with. I told him i wanted to cut my hair, and he basically told me no. i felt so confused because i was so in love and scared if i didn't listen he'd leave, so i just listened. Soon it just got worse, he wouldn't let me go where i wanted, or see who i wanted, or even wear what i wanted. Soon i lost all my friends. All my free time was his. i Felt trapped. 

One day, i go to his house, at this point i was very depressed. I was before, from other things in my life, but it got a lot lot worse. We were in his room and arguing. I had been so depressed and it got to the point i was cutting and starving myself. He said i was being stupid and looking for attention, when in reality, i hid from any attention. He only seen it because he rolled up my sleeve, to write on my arm. I only cut on the outside of my arm. Many people think cutting is for when you want to commit suicide, but that isn't true for everyone. I did it to feel something. To punish my self, for being so worthless, and not having a purpose. You may be asking why i would feel this way. Well Alex convinced me i was worthless and couldn't do anything right, and just basically told me not to do anything because id just mess it up. So while arguing i tried to explain i wasn't after attention, and before i could even explain myself, he hit me. I was in shock, did this really just happen? The man i love really just hit me? i just stared at him confused and scared. He then said, "Don't let anyone else see that, i don't want anyone else to know i'm dating the crazy suicidal chick.". i just said "okay".  Then we sat in silence for around two minutes, and he decided to put a movie on. I went home that night not knowing what i should do. Then he called. "I'm so sorry about today, i love you and id never mean to hurt you, it wont happen again. Please forgive me baby!'. I felt so relieved, that he said it wouldn't happen again and i didn't have to be scared of him! "don't worry Alex. I trust you! I love you too!" i said back so happy and relieved! But things weren't what i thought. it kept happening. Over and over! But i loved him, and he kept saying how sorry he was so i let it happen. 

He made me think i couldn't live without him. I had to have him or i'd fall apart. Things kept getting worse and worse and never got any any better. Eventually i started smoking cigarettes. i felt so worthless. All i was good at in my eyes was breathing. And i thought everyone else felt the same way. A few months go by and nothing changes, except my weight. I went from 145 pounds to 120 in three months just from not eating, and from forced throw ups. My depression sunk in and i no longer tried for anything. i gave up in school, gave up trying to be pretty, gave up my passion for music. Everything was pointless. I hated everything about me. My voice, my body, my thoughts, i just wanted to lay in bed all day. 

So after a year of being with Alex, suddenly his family is moving. I barley heard from him, because he was packing. But it bugged me because i hated being alone. I just thought about my own death. We argued for hours, then he said me and him should just break up, and could try again when he was moved and settled, but i was heartbroken. Completely torn into pieces. For hours i locked myself in the garage, crying and screaming, throwing things, breaking things, punching things and blasting Three Days Grace cd's, till i fell asleep in a lawn chair. I woke up around 1 am and rushed on my phone to see if he messaged me, but i had no notifications.  i called him and begged him to stay, it took and hour but he finally took me back. Things were the same as always. His birthday came around, but then i found out hes been lying to me since the day we met. He was lying about his age. If i would have known his age we wouldn't have dated from the start. But i didn't care, because by then i was in love with him. It hurt alot that our whole relationship had been a lie. 

The next school year started and i had a new teacher. I go to a christian school, and my new teacher was also the youth pastor to my church. I didn't attend the church but Mr.Stinger continuously invited me

Little did i know how fast a Teacher would change my life forever. 

To Be Continued...