R is for Rain

Letters of Insanity

Chapter 1- Letters of Insanity

I scribbled down what first came to mind. 'Mom, Dad,' was sloppily written on the lined paper, as the header. In shaky handwriting, I tried to write down the name of my 'dear and humble' brother. But it turned out looking like a 5 year old wrote it. Scratch that, a 5 year old would have better handwriting than me. Because only my flaws are noticed in this world. Everything good about me, if there was any at one time, is now gone.

I drew thick, black lines through their names and wrote myself a side note:

'Do you really think anyone likes you? You can't do anything right. You can't even write this stupid letter. Nobody likes a coward. Especially not fat cowards like you.'

I colored over the reminder and stared once again at the paper.

You've been planning this for over a year now, Sara, I thought to myself. This is what you want. This is how to be happy.

'Face it. Happiness will never happen. You'll never feel blissful holding the one special guy in your arms. Do you want to know why? He doesn't exist. No man in the right mind could ever love you. You're a loser. They all hate you. Nobody will care when you do this. Nobody will miss you. Nobody will even notice the difference. Who are you really trying to benefit?'

Once again, I scratched out the harsh words she was feeding me. I know she meant well and she's on my side, but sometimes she can be a pain in the ass. I know she's being completely honest, but it annoys me sometimes. I guess it annoys me only because I know she's right.

'Of course I'm right. I'm always right. And you're calling me a pain in the ass? Do you want to know what's a pain to me? The fact that every time I see you I want to puke. Your voice makes my ears bleed. You're as fat as a hippo. That's a joke. No hippo can be as fat as you. And you wonder why no one likes you.'

I crumpled up the paper and threw it across the room. I slammed my head on the desk and burst into a sob. Tears rapidly slipped down my face. The sound of my sobs drowned out her beautiful voice. If only my voice sounded like her's. She is the definition of perfect. She's exactly what I want to be. I never will be like her. I'm not good enough for her. Nor will I ever be. She tries so hard, but I am too stupid to cooperate. Or so she tells me.

'Shut up, you fat cow. Just write the damn letter. You won't have to worry about yourself anymore. Just do it. And stop hesitating. It doesn't even make sense. What is left in this world for you?'

"Take a deep breath, in and out, In and out," I whispered softly, taking sharper breaths as I spoke. Breathing was slowly getting harder and harder. I felt like a fish out of water. My asthma was acting up again.

I need help. There's no other way to put that. I need help. But there's no assistance.

'We all know you need beauty help. Dave did. Why else would he break up with you?'

Thinking of Dave was torture.Tears started falling again.

'Write the letter, Sara. Do it.'

I continued to cry silently. All I could think about was Dave. Our little memories. The little gifts. The walks in the park. The concerts we secretly went to. The kisses we shared. Now he's sharing those moments with someone else.

'Now, Scara. NOW!'

I felt anger surge through me as she mentioned my "nickname." I hate everyone at school. I hate that name.

I grabbed a clean sheet of paper from underneath my desk and a different black pen. I slowly and carefully started out the same way I had started my other letter.

'Do you even realize how terrible that looks? You have the worst handwriting I've ever seen. No wonder Mr. Farely didn't allow you into Talon Club.'

"There were too many members," I whispered.

'Is that the crap he fed you? Not only are you an ugly, pathetic pig, but a gullible one too. It's a shame, really.'

I dug my nails into my skin until pain took over my thoughts. I can't take this anymore. I can't keep having these pointless arguments with myself. I can't accomplish anything without being insulted. I can't hold it in any longer.

So I don't.

I screamed and ripped the paper into little shreds. My vision became blurry with tears as I threw the pieces to the ground.

'It's like confetti. Except we aren't celebrating a birthday. We're celebrating your failure. Congrats, Sara. You've let everyone down.'

I fell to the ground just lay there quietly. She didn't say anything else. My mind was blank. I was shaking in fear of the next thought my mind could possibly create.

What is this monster I have turned into? I don't even know myself anymore. I'm not the bubbly, bright, confident Sara I used to be.

I traced my finger along the cracks that I've previously created in the wooden floor from other outbursts. Chills spread through me. I'd just realized I had forgotten to turn the heater on like Mum had told me before she left with Teddy.

Oh well. If I freeze to death at least it'll be painless.

I looked across the room at my full body mirror.

I saw a depressed teenager with heavy black makeup running down her face. Her black, frizzy hair and bright green eyes made her look insane, but maybe she was. Her face was flushed, her dark freckles are hardly noticeable today. She had looked different then how she was two years ago. She was prettier then. Now she's a mess.

I looked away from her and stared at the beige ceiling, my eyelids slowly beginning to shut.

'Are you dead yet?'

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

---

I'm slowly killing myself.