𝘪𝘧 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦

I looked myself dead in the mirror.

What was I expecting to see? I thought, for moment, there might've been a flicker of brown in those deep pools of black. Or a distant memory I was actually fond of that almost made my lips twitch. I ran my hand along my scars, hard leather licking across the swirled pattern etched into my skin and pretended it to be smooth.

I imagined buried dreams become alive again. Me, in hokage attire. The symbol of fire marked on my hat. I straightened in my reflection, and pretended this would be how the village saw me. Wise and strong. Years of trauma sewed precisely into a man who wore it with poise.

I would be an example.

The people who helped me become this man would be many. I would think of my sensei, who had carefully guided me through years of training. Not only did he teach me, but he believed in me, even when I wouldn't be bothered. I think of everything he's ever done for me, but there's too many instances to name.

I would think of Rin, and how the sunlight struggled just to shine on her. How could someone like her ever exist? So soft and fragile, with warm eyes that made whatever they landed on melt under her feet. I thought as though every movement she made she  calculated. Choreographed steps and fine precision. It was so easy to fall for a girl like her, but why was it so hard to fall out of her?

Despite my clouded childhood I remembered that laugh, a handful of giggles that made my heart flutter. The remarks she would make, encouraging or scolding, her voice still carried through as a song. She was my voice of reason, the angel on my shoulder. I remember Rin. Beautiful, gorgeous Rin.

Then I think of Kakashi.

My rival Kakashi. If Rin's eyes were warm, his were frosty, his presence being so cold and so unforgiving. Whenever he entered the room, he ordered shivers down everyone spines. I remember how our eyes met. Pure sneering hatred, like balls of flames that spat at each other viciously. No one could extinguish it. The looks we exchanged... they were dangerous. They were so horrible, so terrible.

My body shuddered. I miss those looks.

He was my goal. Everything I wanted to beat, become, and embody all at once. Nothing could compare to him, he was on another plain completely from Rin. If she was my angel, Kakashi was the devil snickering in my ear, spilling the worse from me. I listened to him almost every time.

I hated him. I hated him so much I loved him.

I imagine our sights meeting again after I become hokage, but this time they burn differently. We were stripped of all those childish mannerisms, fighting back and fourth for the sake of fighting. The hatred was gone. This time they swell with admiration, because all along that's what it really was. The appreciation we had for each other that could've become so much more.

But just like the brown flicker I saw in my black eyes that seemed like so long ago, it wasn't real. Any good memory I had shriveled at Rin's corpse. All the scars on my face remained, and my Akatsuki cloak still hung from my shoulders, every crease free of any speck.

I don't know what I expected to see, but I don't remember either, as the lines of fantasy and reality blurred once I put on my mask.