Last Words

Dear Jake,

It’s been almost ten years now since you were wrongly taken away from us. They say time is a healer but it still hurts as much as it did when you died. The one thing that pains me the most is that it feels as if I’m the only who still thinks of you. Mum and Dad hardly talk about you anymore, I do though. I’m here to keep your memory alive.

I’m going to be twenty one next month, can you believe it? I can’t, that’s for sure! I’m really getting on now; just think in under twenty years I’ll be forty! Is that scary or what? Where has the time gone? It’s hard to believe it wasn’t yesterday when we would chase each other round with our mega blaster water guns. We had some good times. Do you remember how pissed off Mum would get when we’d come in absolutely sopping wet? “Go outside and dry off before you flood the house!” she’d screech every time without failure. Those really were the days! I remember that one scorching summer when we had a water fight every day. You ended up soaking Dad when aiming for me, do you remember that? I’m sure you’d have gotten away with it had he not been asleep. I’d never seen you run so fast!

That was the last time that we had a water fight, pretty soon after you got sick. I hated it once you were sick, everything changed. You were always tired and had no energy so we couldn’t mess around as much, I missed it. Then there were all the arguments Mum and Dad had. They hid it from you of course, you didn’t need the stress, but I heard them all. I honestly didn’t think they would stay together, if truth be told I’m surprised they are still together now. My whole world was crumbling around me and there was nothing I could do about it. To say I felt helpless is a bit of an understatement. I’d have done anything to swap places with you; I just wanted to take your pain away. I know you tried to hide it from me but I could tell you were in agony. The fake smiles were never really gonna work with me, were they?

You must have been petrified, I know I was. How did you manage to keep such a brave face when you knew the inevitable was approaching? To be so young and know that you’ve got a terminal illness, it must have been hell, but you carried on as if you were fine and dandy. For this you were my hero and you still are to this day, I wish I could be half as brave as you.

There is so much I want to say to you, there’s so much you’ve missed out on. I’m just struggling to find the words to say. I know, me struggling? What is the world coming to? On a serious note, this is the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to write. It’d be so much easier if I could say it to your face but I’ll never get that chance. There are so many things I’ll never get to do with you. For one, I’ll never get to hug you again; you used to give great cuddles! We’ll never be bopping around to Steps again (they did a comeback tour recently, just thought I’d let you know). We’ll never be able to get pissed together and put the world to rights! There’s just so many times that I’ve needed my big brother there to make it all okay.

Why did you have to leave us? What did I do wrong? Was I really that much of an awful sister? I needed to stay here with me but you left me, alone. It was so confusing for me and it still is. Why where you taken away? The only suitable reason that I could come up with is that they needed you up there.

Obviously, I didn’t know the full extent of your illness as Mum and Dad didn’t think it was appropriate for me to know. I always assumed you were going to get better, but you didn’t did you? It crushed me. You’d been fine the night before, we’d had a laugh and a joke, everything seemed okay. It’s funny how appearances can be deceiving. The next morning I was woken by the most awful scream, to this day I have never forgotten that scream. It haunts me. It was such a tortured scream, full of anguish, it made me heart shudder. I went to see what was wrong and found mum in an inconsolable heap outside your bedroom door. Each sob was a shot of pain through my heart like electric. In my heart, I knew that something was wrong, very wrong. I had to get to you but they wouldn’t let me in your room no matter how much I battled. Dad told me you had gone but I didn’t believe him, I couldn’t. You weren’t gone; you were too young to die.

It was just a joke, it had to be. I told Mum this but she wouldn’t listen, she just kept repeating that you were gone. I knew it wasn’t real though, you had to be pretending, you couldn’t be dead. It just didn’t make any sense. I knew I’d go in and you’d open your eyes and start giggling away. I had to see you and tell you that it wasn’t funny and stop messing around. Pretty soon the paramedics turned up. As soon as they left your room and started to apologise, it hit me. You were dead, you had left me. My world stopped as I struggled to grasp this. My blood ran ice cold and my head wet light as the tears spilled down my cheeks. You were gone.

Things were a bit of a blur after that, everything happened so quickly. Before I knew it the day I had dreaded the most came, the day of your funeral. The thought of having to say goodbye to you forever made me physically sick. I don’t even know how I managed to get through it. Usually if I needed help and support you’d be there for me, only this time you weren’t. It made me blood boil to think that you’d left me here to deal with this alone. I was angry and everyone and everything. A dark rage had built up inside me, it was bursting to come out but I had no way of venting, I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Making it through the funeral service was the most emotionally draining thing I’d ever done. It shouldn’t have been you dead, you were only young, and you’d never done anything to deserve it. Yet it was you that was laid in the wooden box, your life extinct.

At the wake people gave their condolences but I really didn’t give a shit. What could words do? They were useless to me; they weren’t going to bring you back so what was the point? I’d just lost my brother; their condolences weren’t going to magically fix things. I went through that wake in autopilot, until that is I saw something that made me fly off the handle. Uncle Timmy and Auntie June were sat there laughing without a care in the world. Someone that they were supposed to have loved had had their life cut short, yet there they were finding it hilarious. It was as if a different Poppy took over my body as I gave them a piece of my mind. I’d never screamed so loud in my life! Looking back now, I do feel awful about it. Of course they were hurting too; they’d just chosen to reminisce. They had simply been talking about the time you got stuck up that tree after attempting to run away, you were a bit of a spud at times!

Do you remember what you told me you were going to be when you grew up? At seven you decided you wanted to be a bin man because, as you put it, ‘everyone wants to be a fireman or a copper so I’m going to be different’. You had me in stitches when you came out with that one, then again I didn’t have much room to talk with my life dream wanting to be a princess. Thankfully we matured and a few years later decided on much more realistic career expectations. My dream was to be an author and write stories for a living; I loved getting lost in little worlds that I’d created. You, on the other hand, had been obsessed with the thought of being a doctor ever since watching Casualty. I thought it was icky but you were fascinated!

It’s remembering things like this that puts me on a downer. Why was it you taken and not me? You’d have made a great doctor and saved loads of lives, yet here I am wasting mine. The most important thing to me was snatched earlier than he should have been but I’m still here taking my life for granted working in Asda. I’m not saying there’s anything particularly wrong with Asda it’s just not exactly the same as being a lifesaving doctor, is it?

I’m standing up and making a change. I’m not going to get stuck in a dead end job with a bog standard life, not a cat in hell's chance! Life is something worth living and it shouldn’t be wasted, which is why I’ve applied to university. I’m going to do a nursing course, you can’t fulfil your dream but I sure as hell can. You can live through me. Not only that but I’m opening up a foundation in your name. It's early days yet so we have loads of fundraising to do but the idea is that we will fund days out for terminally ill children. I’ve got it all planned, it’s going to be great Jake! Charlotte and I are even doing a sponsored bungee jump next month to get it all going. I hope you’ll be watching over me to keep me safe.

I’m going to sign off now. I wish you’d be able to actually read this letter and that it wasn’t just for my comfort. I miss you Jakie, I really do, more than you’ll ever know. I lost a part of myself when you died and it’s just not the same without you, I’m incomplete. Love you more than anything in the world. Sleep well bro.

Love Poppy (your little sister by twelve minutes)

xxx

P.S Make sure you take care of Mr Snuggles.