Copyright 2004
Please visit www.ffilmar.org
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Twenty/Twenty
I've just dropped in and its weird being ~me~ again. I'm supposed to be here on vacation, reliving a favorite memory. But I have a different agenda. Some have found that when you go back and become who you were, you can really re-live experiences and figure things out, knowing what you know now. It's not illegal or anything, but strongly discouraged by the proprietors, because often things go sour. Me, I'm here to answer a nagging question of what would have happened if I said something I didn't forty years ago.
No, this isn't time-travel. It's a psychological, neurological manipulation of memories and the suggestion that it's reality. It's called 'regression', and I asked to be regressed to a week in May, 1980. What's weird is it's a blend of me at thirty, when it happened, me now at forty-one, when this whole thing started making sense to me, and me at seventy, when they could actually do this regression thing.
I'm thirty and feel myself thinking like I did back then, almost like I'm a different person. What I am remembering I am living right now, if that makes any sense. Memories from back then seem fresher, like they really were just yesterday, not yesterday-plus eleven years ago, or really, whoa, forty years back.
I am, or was, and am again, gainfully employed by a big insurance firm. Prudential. The 'Rock'. I have the condo, a nice savings account, a beautiful red Firebird - everything I could want. But that's the material stuff. I am here for a matter of the heart, as they say. Never know what comes out of reliving the past in your mind.
OK, so from where I am now, about a year ago, I divorced Janice after five years of marriage. Her...I don't care about her. She's not why I'm here. That one was my fault. I guess I caved in and settled for what seemed to work at the time. I heard that one in that new movie...'Thelma and Louise'. "You get what you settle for." Susan Sarandon? That's me. We just weren't right for each other. Seems really obvious now, when you look back on it. Like they say, "Hindsight is twenty-twenty". Don't think that one was in that movie, but it should have been.
So I'm asking myself, "How did I get here?" Why did I get involved with Janice? What pushed me? What was in my head that made me do such a thing? I know you have to go back further, to the relationship before that. The one I'm interested in I never married. Hell, we never really dated, and I'm here to figure out why. The one I regressed for, her name was...is...was Helen.
-1-
"Isn't it nice to get away like this, Remar? A week away from the office, a week away from all the noise."
"We're still working, though, Helen. This isn't really a vacation."
Helen slides the signed paper back over the counter and smiles that toothy smile at the guy in the blue blazer.
"What are you talking about? No cleaning, no cooking, no boring meetings. Someone even makes our beds."
I hoist the strap on my big bag over my right shoulder and squat down to pick up the briefcase in my left hand. Damn jacket starts dragging off my shoulder.
"Yes, but the week is one long boring meeting."
"Remar, you promised. Look to the positive, OK? Since we just checked in, the week has officially started, and you and me are thinking of this as a vacation."
"With work."
"With learning."
"What I said, with work."
I twist my head, trying to look at the room key.
"OK, OK, Helen. What's that say, three, eight..."
