Lucinda's random writings

Monday feels

Seems like the day has just started and yet I feel like I am already drained. Not ready for the rest of the day and for what it has in store. Emotions and mental states are going haywire and is not ready to be tamed. Feels like everything is about to come crashing down once more. Not sure what to do. I have things to focus and things to deal with but my mentality wont let me....at least not in the way it should let me.

Break downs are the worse. 3 in one day is hell. That was me the other day. Things just piled on and Im not at the best anymore. Still can't get a grasp on reality. Dissociating harder than ever to where I can't do much by myself. I still have auto pilot on to get me through the days. Forcing myself to eat and remember to do things to keep me healthy. 

I just want my mental state to stop and let me the person that has a bubbly personality, no issues wrong..but I know that wish for that is something impossible. Nothing more will come out of things if I keep hoping. I gotta make things work if I want to get stable and better. I gotta make things work so I can stay alive, stay breathing..stay..positive. 

Heart pounds with adrenaline for some reason, trying to figure out why but I can't find the reason. I want it to stop...I want the screaming to stop. I'm stuck on my Monday feels and I just cannot wait for the week to end. I just want to be free from all of this..how can I?

Therapy..pills...life...on constant repeat with sporadic events of work...

Guess that is my life...at best... oh well