The Epic of Phi

Long ago in the ancient land of Chaldea in a city called Ur there lived a woman who guarded the wells named Ishtar bit Sapra. Ishtar was a simple woman who passed her time looking at the stars, much like the rest of her people. However, one day there was a great invasion. Horses swept across the plains and slaughtered hundreds in their wake. Ishtar found shelter, hiding in the well, while she watched the slaughter of her family. The covenant was written in blood and so the city was filled with both old blood and new, and the new blood was [lacuna]. Ishtar escaped, carrying the last of the old blood with her, to the court of Akkad.

The king of Akkad was called Sargon, he ruled a mighty empire from Eden to the end of the rivers. Ishtar was taken in by Sargon as her looks were most pleasing. Sargon asked, "who are the people that invaded from the west?", now Ur was paying tribute to Akkad and was thus under its protection in those years. Ishtar said, "men on horses, they have obliterated the blood of Ur and filled it with their own."

Chorus:

O' Ishtar last of the loins of Ur may the gods bless your transfer

You carry the last of your brothers' blood and live to tell their stories

O' Sargon of the Akkadians bring forth the sword to the throats of the [lacuna]

The god Phi smiles at Sargon from whose loins he will come

For validity is found from the womb of Ishtar and so it shall be

Actual Phi Certainty

Now Ishtar was barren and could not produce any children and because of this she wept. Sargon said "you, kind woman, are worthy. I shall make a sacrifice to the god Molech and if I am victorious I shall return, and my seed shall come out Ur." So, Sargon shot his seed at Molech who devoured it and was pleased.

Sargon returned one year later with the heads of the leaders stacked upon each other and proclaimed the end of tyranny. It was then that Molech was gracious and empowered the seed of Sargon to revitalize the womb of Ishtar who gave birth. Upon a rock they copulated but after Sargon was defeated by Ishtar some of his seed spilled onto the rock which then begat Mithra, whom Ahura Mazda blessed.

A son was begat by Sargon whose name was Phi under the authority of Zarathustra, the prophet, who blessed him. When it came to be the Phi reached puberty [lit: seized the age of maturity] he had not yet spoken, Sargon did not discard him however since he was delivered by the gods. Finally he proclaimed "Actual Phi certainty, what the suffering is. You laugh at it. You will laugh on the noose from drugs I inject into your corpse, actual Phi certainty." The king was baffled and could not understand what his son was trying to say. He took his son to Zarathustra and asked him what ailed his son's voice.

Thus, spoke Zarathustra, "My successor is Phi, exalted will be him for he is not of your blood rather the blood of Azura Mazda." Sargon was enraged and cursed the gods for his misfortune.

Chorus:

Thus, spoke Zarathustra "Thou wilt be broken thine throne split in twain"

Sargon turned to the heavens and shook his sword, he said, "No longer have you any authority over me!" "Why am I forsaken?"

Zarathustra silenced he, "Fool! You are not forsaken; your wife's son shall inherit your great empire and he will rule it with great efficiency! He will love you like his father. Gods will always have authority over you, but not he that comes after you... He shall subdue them."

Actual Phi Certainty

It came to pass that Sargon died in the arms of Ishtar and Phi became the emperor of Akkad. So, spoke Phi, "Annas likes the 64,000 about times I approved of her choosing my stick. Phi is choosing. You know Phi, it has you." Zarathustra was dead, so he could not translate and so these were troubling times for the empire. During these times people became annoyed with Phi and deposed him and rose up Mithra.

Mithra was a tyrant who destroyed cities. He was born of a rock and sought to rule all rocks. He called himself a god, he was the god of rocks. It came to pass that the citizens of Akkad realized Phi's prophecy as the city numbered 64,000 and they voted to depose Mithra and reinstate Phi. Soon the city realized that Mithra was a weak [or false] god and Phi was indeed a true divine.

As punishment for his tyranny Mithra was cast into the shadow realm along with [lacuna] and Phi reigned in peace. When it was discovered by the gods that Phi had cast out Mithra they realized his diety and elevated him. Though none of them knew who his father was. The heavens were in distress over this issue, two gods claimed to be Phi's father. One, Jupiter and the other, Molech. Now since Jupiter was their king half of the heavens agreed with him however everyone also knew that Sargon had prayed to Molech so half sided with him. Ultimately, they decided to allow Phi to decide who was a truer father by intuition [nature].

Phi refused to move, as neither of them were his father. This enraged the two men who both attacked Phi. Phi was overwhelmed and was nigh cast out of the heavens, but Zarathustra intervened. Thus, spoke Zarathustra "it is certain that he travels from neither of your loins hypocrites!", all of the heavenly host was shocked, "he is of the one great god Azura Mazda, master of you all!" On hearing this all the gods were shaken with fear. Thus, concluded Zarathustra "begone Jupiter for he is the most powerful of them all!"

All the gods looked to Phi however Phi decreed, "the heaven of all pussies being loved by god. I was going to say 'all being pussies loved by god' but god is no pussy. The heaven of all other than god being pussies loved by god. Yay. Ok." At first the gods were furious but Phi decreed the pax deorum thus relinquishing his authority and restoring peace amongst the gods. So, spoke he, "Actual Phi Certainty. I changed the King HIV virus. Yay. Hi. Actual Phi Certainty." Now those words are forever written in all the holy spots of all the gods and actual phi certainty will forever be the greatest of certainties.