Same Time Tomorrow?

Chapter 1: Ghost of Good Girls Past

The first rule I ever broke was for Ben Demsky.

Everything got really loud and it feels more natural to break the rules when it's loud, as if no one will see because no one can hear. Too bad senses don't work that way.

I was one of those losers in elementary school who loved when it rained because it meant indoor recess, staying in one classroom and playing board games. I didn't exactly have the hand eye coordination for outside games. I always thought the playground was too much. I found people overwhelming, even in the third grade. So I spent most of my time during outdoor recess on the swings, daydreaming.

At first I tried my best to ignore what was happening nearby in the field where we usually ran in gym class, but the sound of the crowd around Ben was piercing, at least to me. No one else really seemed to notice, it was only a couple of kids watching. But anxiety has a way of making small commotions into huge disruptions. So I made my way over to the field to see what was happening.

Cameron Landau had broken Ben's glasses. The glasses he had just gotten that day.

Since pre-school Ben Demsky was known as Ben Squinty. The boy was practically blind, but his family didn't have enough money for glasses so he just walked around squinting twenty-four seven; he was always seated at the front of the class right in front of the board, but it still took him twice as long as everybody else to copy notes down. I distinctly remember after hearing Ben talk to a teacher about his vision and money situation, asking my parents "So, some people have to pay to like...see?"

My dad responded with "Hm, I never really thought about it, but yeah. I guess they do."

To which I said "That's really unfair."

"Life's unfair," my mother just needed to add. Suffice to say she said that a lot throughout my childhood.

Ben was so happy the day he got those big goofy glasses. The boy was never much of a talker, he kept to himself and mostly squinted at books. Until that day, the day he got his glasses Ben would not shut up. He kept randomly reading notes from the board aloud in class, volunteering to read aloud during storytime and when we first got outside for recess he said "The sky, it's so pretty." I've never seen the boy smile that much before.

But it didn't last very long due to Cameron's natural instinct to be an asshole. He had taken Ben's glasses and stomped on them. I had walked onto the scene once the extremely thick lenses were already shattered on the ground and Cameron was shouting "HEY LOOK EVERYONE! SQUINTY'S BACK!" right in Ben's face as the kids around laughed and shouted along. That's when, before I even processed what I was doing, I kicked Cameron Landau in the dick. I didn't really fully expect it to hurt him, I thought it was a pain that movies exaggerated. So when he fell down onto the grass and started crying and everyone got quiet I snapped back to reality and immediately had an anxiety attack.

Although it was heartbreaking to see the destroyed glasses on the ground and infuriating to watch Cameron shout in Ben's face, I wasn't thinking about either of those things when I kicked Cameron. When I did it all the shouting was deafening and all I could hear was my mom's voice in my head saying "Life's unfair," over and over and over again until without thinking, I kicked the asshole.

I know you're probably thinking I kicked a boy so what? it was the third grade, everybody does stupid shit without thinking in elementary school. But sadly I am not everybody. I was what adults would call a 'polite' and 'well behaved' kid who didn't speak unless spoken to. I never broke a rule before that day I alway did exactly as I was told, always. Otherwise I would spiral out of control. And I did, the moment Daniel Hernandez broke the silence and screamed "HOLY SHIT!" after I straight up punted Cameron, I spiraled. But only on the inside, on the outside I kept my composure and simply walked away from the crowd as if nothing happened. For some reason I didn't think Cameron would tell on me in order to keep some shred of dignity, but of course he tattled because it was third grade and dignity wasn't a thing for most kids yet, especially boys.