Dearest Ah Lan

Chapter 1: Do You Know? (Prologue)

A click.

A near soundless humming sound.

"Testing. One. Two. Three. This is test #1."

A throat clearing. A soft sigh. A gentle creaking as a body settles into a chair.

"Remember the first day we met? I was twelve-years-old, sitting in the corner of the room as a party went on around me. That classic awkward child, surrounded by a sea of graceful swans. I had never felt more out of place. I didn't belong. I knew it. My mother was scolding me for getting my clothes dirty, about the state of my hair, the scratch on my arm, the streak of dirt on my cheek.

You were dragged over by your helpful mother to talk to that kid in the corner. Even at ten years old you were a precocious brat.

I know you wouldn't want to talk to me, but you were too polite to let on with words. Do you know how I knew? That's because no one ever wanted to talk to me. No one ever had, not since . . . Ye Zun. The kids unlucky enough to be pushed into keeping me company always made sure to tell me how boring I was when they made their escape.

I tried to be nice. I told you to go away. I told you I had a wonderful book to read, even holding it up as proof. But you ignored the demand and sat down next to me. You asked me what I was reading, and then started talking to me about the game you were playing. You forced me to play with you, and I lost, of course. You laughed. And then, you gave me a lollipop, even teaching me the proper etiquette on consuming one of those."

A soft clearing of the throat.

"Do you know I still have the wrapper?"

The gentle clink of glass against glass. The sound of gentle rustling before things settled into silence once more.

"All throughout our childhood we were thrown together. I guess it was just your bad luck that there were no other kids in our parents' group of friends and business associates. I got used to you. Before long ... I started to look forward to seeing you. Parties that had previously been purgatory became bearable. Became heaven.

Do you know that as pathetic as it sounds, I began to consider you a friend long before you considered me anything more than the boring social obligation you had to put up with at these adult gatherings?

When I was that twelve-year-old kid . . . as I went through awkward puberty, and things became even harder for me. All through those stages you were there ... always happy, always shining, always caring. And you talked to me like I was an individual, someone with his own thoughts, his own ambitions and dreams. Up until then I had only ever been an extension of my parents. People only talked to me or pushed their children at me because they wanted favors from them. But not you.

I loved that about you."

A beat of silence. A soft sigh and then a sound of determination.

"Do you know the exact moment I fell? I don't. I don't know when I fell in love with you. When did you become more than a friend? When did my heart start beating in anticipation of seeing you? When did I start wanting to breathe in your scent? Touch your warmth? Soak in your personality? When did I want to kiss your lips? Hold you in my arms? When did I start wanting something more?"

A near-silent movement in the chair. A shifting. The clink of glass against glass once more, and then a gentle rustling before silence settled once more.

"Suddenly, I was in the middle of a romantic love for my best friend, when I hadn't even known that I'd moved beyond the safe confines of friendship. I used to lecture myself for hours before meeting you. I would tell my heart to stop beating so hard, my breath to remain steady, my cheeks to stop blushing. I told my body not to betray me, lest you know the truth. But it never worked. My face would flush, my ears would turn red, and I would nervously push up my glasses with shaking hands every other minute when in your company.