Unconditional, conditional love

A title.

Once upon a time my dreams were my escape; similarly, my head was a playground for my imagination to thrive.

Lately though? It's not been the case.

The sequence would go: Pray, Imagine, Dream. I looked forward to the night everyday! Yet back then, those three things came second nature to me. I could control my mind so easily.

I used to look forward to the night so that I could makeup stories in my head, moreover, go on adventures-to keep myself occupied and creative-before I went to bed.

Dreams haven't always been my escape either, I've had many terrible dreams throughout my childhood. Ones that still stick with me to this day.

I'm an extremely vivid dreamer; moreover, this means they feel incredibly real.

I'm also a Lucid dreamer, to some extent I can control my dreams-most of the time not very well and I feel like this is a reflection on how I can't control my mind and or discipline myself very much.

Anymore? Night is something I try to avoid. I stay up til ridiculous times, I put music into my headphones, or listen to videos to go to sleep. I hate silence.

Why? Because silence is where my fears find me.

In prayer I get OCD. I have to pray the right things or it spikes my OCD in wanting to make the words perfect- God never asked for that, because He knows my heart and my intentions.

But it comes to a point to where I convinced myself I don't know my own intentions, I don't know my own thoughts. I cant rationalize my sentences so I wonder how could He?

"It has to be perfect" I mentally say to myself as I repeat the same sentence for the 3rd time. "No, not good enough! Do it again, you messed up" I say it a 4th time, after I had started praying for other things. "You're not doing it right, it's not going to work if you don't do it right, you have to feel it." I say to myself as I've prayed for the same thing now way more than I should have.

I know this isn't the way it should work, and sometimes it's not like this, other times I freak out over the littlest mistake because I can't. Get. Outside. My. Head. God knows my heart, so He knows me.

But do I know me? I am fueled with insecurities and doubts right now that I just can't seem to run away from.

I need to trust in God's perfections, and His powers. Not my own, because in my powers I'm finding flaws and imperfection; whereas, I can't find that in God. He is my strength and when I lose focus of that, my world gets shaken.

It's not a punishment, it's a reminder that I'm my happiest with God and nothing can fill me like He can. Nothing ever can. I've never been happier than when I was with Him out of wanting to be with Him, and being close to His presence.

He gives us free will to do whatever, it's a freedom thing. But I chose to give my life to God, when I don't live up to my own expectations, I feel like I've failed.

That's putting religion precedent over the relationship sometimes... I need to just trust God's Will and Plan for my life.

An example of my OCD mindset, when I was younger, I HAD to follow my mother exactly. If she went into a store and went left beside a rack of clothes, I had to go left beside those racks of clothes.