Lying, Crying, Hiding Oh My

Lying,Crying,and Hiding Oh My!

Did you know this, there have been 7.5 child abuse reports nationally, and that's only the ones that have been reported, there are still billions that have never been reported; Screaming, Crying, "Mommy why did step Daddy just cut your face" and then feeling a pain of a hand on my own face , or when standing in a corner for an hour with one leg at four years old after Daddy went to work because his girlfriend didn't want me sleeping in the bed with them after I had a nightmare or when my step sister blacked mailed me with lies, chased me with tasers, Burned me with lighters and curling irons which caused some of these scars on my arms and molested me which then left me to abusing myself and causing so many of my own scars because I thought i deserved it. Yes that's right I'm one of the billions that my abuse has never been reported. My pain never mattered; When I told DHR about me being molested, my step mom at the time just told them I was lying and they believed her and then she told me and my step sister that we were just "experimenting", nothing was done. When I was abused by my step dad I was 2 I had no voice in it but in still have the traumatizing memories . So who are you to tell me I have no pain and I'm just a teen girl crying out for attention. Who are you to tell me when I got molested and raped  it wasn't real because it was done by a girl. Who are you to tell me when I get triggered by certain words or actions that I'm just a cry baby. Who are you to tell me that I haven't endured real pain when hallucinations and heroin are more important to a mother than her children . I close my eyes and imagine this tornado I call my life and try to calm down when you say I should be silenced and my tears don't matter or they are fake. I'm selfish because I want my dad's attention when he gives it to my step siblings more than me. Everyone says they want to stop everyone from hurting but when I cry out for help I am silenced with more pain;My tornado is silenced by waterfalls and birds chirping. So when i smile it's not because I'm lying it's because that's all i can do because crying causes more pain. I'm not a teen girl who wants to kill her self because a boyfriend broke up with her i am a teen girl who tried to kill herself because I already thought that i deserved to die because of abuse but a small thing like a break up tipped it off. I don't cry very much anymore because my eyes are all dried up like a desert but sometimes things get so bad, I have to cut up a cactus to let it all out. A child shouldn't have went through what I went through as a child, a child should never be so scared to tell an adult something because they won't be believed because they are just a kid, adults please grow up so there is enough spaces for actual kids to be kids he told me i was just a kid i don't even know what pain is yet and my depression isn't real. Don't me that I'm just a kid that that i need to stop trying to grow up so fast when i was already forced to grow up, i cant go back down i can only keep going up in age. Don't tell me I'm just a kid when i have been through more then most adults have been through still have made better decisions then they have. My mother was going to be a pharmacist but she got addicted to drugs, yea I know how ironic and Daddy, Daddy lies he says he was sober but I knew he wasn't, he was shooting up the same hallucinations my mom was but my mom chose them over me because my dad got both and she didn't have the choice and Daddy, Daddy cries he won't tell you but he does because he has been through some of the pain you have, but he pushed yours away because that's what adults did when he was younger.I now am scared of conflict and arguments with most people, especially when a man is angry so I don't stand up for my self when it happens I cry, or run, and I use to push then ones who I was close to away when they got angry but never told them why because I am terrified of the pain and abuse that person can cause. Lying, crying, hiding oh my! just like the wizard of Oz, your mom the scare crow lost her brain because of drugs, your dad the tin man lost his heart because of pain, and you the lion lost your courage because of everything that has happened to you except for there is no wizard to Grant you wishes it wasn't some messed up dream it was a night mare you call reality and there isn't any Ruby slippers to bring you home because you'll never be home again because in order to go home you have to forgive, not forgive the man you saw abuse you ,your brother and your mother you already did that, not forgive your dad's ex girlfriend who was the first step of you and your dad being distant you already did that, not forgive your dad's ex wife for emotionally and mentally abusing you or letting her daughter do what she did, or not forgive her daughter for molesting you or abusing you and causing you to abuse your self, or your mom for choosing drugs or your dad for letting all that happen and saying your pain isn't real because your just a kid, because you have forgiven everyone of them but forgiving your self for letting it all happen and not screaming loud enough not running fast enough. I should have run a way and for not doing that I will never forgive my self I will never be home  I will continue to get stuck in the cactus and drown. every time I try to get out the prickles will hurt my hand a different one each time. But I will sit back and play along just like Dorthy hopefully I can make it a happy ending like she did until then lying, crying, hiding Oh my will be my head line.