First Movement : Letters to my Goddess[A Secret Love Affair Fan Fiction]

Time apart...letters from Germany

"Sometimes I can only groan, suffer, and pour out my despair at the piano!"—Frederic Chopin

[John Field  Nocturnes—  #8 in A major, #1 in E flat major, #18 in E Major.] [Rondo in A flat major, Sehnsuchts-Walzer]

August 2014

It's after 9 at night, and I've just finished the last meal delivery of the day for Ahjumma. She's been so busy—the summer heat is intense right now, and no one wants to cook. I've been delivering morning, noon and night for at least three weeks now. It keeps me busy, and it's better than being in my house. I can only play the piano in the middle of the night; during the day, it's too hot. My rooftop house is like an oven in the summer, and all the fans seem to do is blow around the hot air. I could blame the heat for the fact that I can't seem to get any sleep, but I know even if it were winter, it wouldn't change anything. My Goddess is in prison, and thinking about that is what makes it so hard to fall asleep at night. Even when I finally do fall asleep, I am awake a few hours later. There are times I think I'm losing my mind, like when I'm out someplace and I swear I can smell her perfume, or I am having a dream and she is just an arm's reach away...but she's not there and then I can't get back to sleep. Lately, it's been cooler sleeping up on the roof, although sleeping on the wooden bench makes my back ache the next day.

It's been almost a month since I heard about the results from the sentencing hearing. It wasn't open to the public, so I couldn't be there. Professor Jo showed me the letter detailing her sentence—18 months in the Women's Prison in Cheong-gu. He was right after all, and I am relieved it's not any worse.  At least now, I have a idea of when she will be released, probably in early November of 2015, and that gives me a little bit of peace. I can go and visit her on a Saturday, but I have to call ahead and make arrangements. If I look at a calendar, the number of months and days seems discouraging. It's better if I try to remind myself every morning, that if I can get through today, it's one day closer to when she comes home. 

Jang Ho talked me out of going over to Kang's house to get my Bride's things.  He said it would be like putting a stick into a hornet's nest, and then wondering what would happen next. Da Mi had a better idea. She waited until Kang's housekeeper took out the trash on pickup day, and pretended to be 'just walking by' and said hello to her. Luckily the housekeeper remembered Da Mi, and she invited her in since Kang had left for work. She found out my Bride had boxed up most of her things and sent them to her parents, but her secretary had a box of stuff too, from the office. Kang was planning to leave in a few days to visit his Mom, so she told Da Mi she could come back then and pick it up.  I have that box in my home now, and I am thankful to Da Mi and Jang Ho for keeping me out of trouble. Da Mi is starting at the Beauty College soon, and she is moving in with a family of a student who lives close by. Jang Ho is enlisting in the Army after Chuseok, so he and I will both be gone, and Da Mi says it's best that he goes and gets this over with while she's in school. I'm really proud of her for going back to school; she hasn't had the easiest life either, but this will make things better for her in the long run.

I went to go visit my Goddess a week ago. It's a two hour bus ride from Seoul to where the women's prison is, way out in the countryside.  When I got there, the gray concrete outside walls of the prison, and all the barbed wire and electrified fence signs looked stark and foreboding.  It made me feel so uncomfortable as I walked toward the visitor's entrance.

As I went inside, it was just as bad. I don't know how they pick such awful colors to paint the walls with, it made me nauseous to look around the room. I had to fill out a form, since it's the first time I've visited her.  Most of it is pretty straightforward, but then I get to the part where it asks what relationship I have to the person who is in prison, and I have to check a box. Hmmm...attorney, clergy, friend, relative, spouse, other...I can't put that I'm her husband—she's technically still married to Kang until the divorce is final. I'm not a brother, uncle, son, or cousin...but friend doesn't work for me. I hate these stupid forms. Finally I check the "relative" box, since it's closest to the truth—we are pretty much each other's family now. I don't have any relatives I know of now that my Mom's gone. My Goddess and her family members aren't close to one another, judging by what she's told me in the past. I sign it and hand it to the guard at the desk, and sit and wait some more. Almost another hour goes by, then I have to be searched before I can see her. It's almost as if I am just another criminal. I overheard another guard saying her son is here to see her, and I wanted to correct him, but getting in a quarrel here with the guards is a losing business for sure. I keep my mouth closed, and focus my mind on what I want to say to my Goddess.