Dear me

친애하는 날 "Dear me"

I've always been a fan of making my own stories and writing in my diaries. Now I'm struggling though. So I thought to myself, now that I'm getting older, and I don't feel like it's appropriate anymore to write diaries let's just write a letter to myself so I can read it when I'm older. I think it'll be interesting to see how my thought would have changed over the years and how life in general is probably, and hopefully, going to be different. It's kind of an experiment to see if I have changed or if maybe I discovered my true self by just asking myself: Who am I?

When Miso came home she went to her desk, grabbed a piece of a paper and a pen. She started the letter by writing 'Dear future me'.

March 27, 2019

Dear future me,

I'd like to start this letter by saying: HOW ARE YOU FLIPPIN' DOING GIRL? I hope that by now you have found the perfect prince and maybe even have some little dumplings walking around the house. I always liked the thought of a twin. That's two for one go of giving birth, but still adoption is still my preference. Not only the thought of being pregnant but also the fact that I don't want my kids, with the same genes, going through the same bullshit. (By the way, sorry for swearing but just deal with it their just words with a bit of a negative meaning. Not a big deal.) Not only  do I hope that you found your prince but also your inner Queen. Let's be honest here everyone deserves to give themselves a crown 'cause no one else will do it for you. Now how far are you with Korean? Well, I hope you nailed that shit because the person writing this right now can't wait to go to South-Korea. I'll may even not that number on my list-of-dreams. Beginning with seeing my grandmother back in heaven because I'd really love to give her a last hug. Second on the list is to -ever in my silly life- have a white Christmas. It sounds so stupid but it's the little things in life that can make you the happiest from time to time. And then last but not least is just don't give any fucks and getting that tattoo. (I think this will mentally be the hardest to achieve). 

Ones I wrote to my friend Kim Yeoljeong that I don't really believe in dreams and I still can find myself in that statement. I feel like someone invented the word 'dream' to let us know that just not everything in life can or will become reality. I've accepted that and I feel like I'm more relieved and less sad. Not that I'm saying that people who actually believe in dreams, like Yeoljeong, are sad or unhappy. It's just that it doesn't suet my way of life. I don't even really have goals I want to achieve but that's more because of anxiety. I still have the thought in my head that I won't achieve anything or at least nothing special or nothing that I really want. I can agree though that this is a huge part of me I need to word on just as the fact that I'll have to learn to accept and appreciate that someone loves me. Then again, an inspiring person ones said that when you've a goal in life or a picture of the ideal life then you just have to work ass of to get there. Jessie J also mentioned in one of her songs "Imma do it like it ain't been done" which I feel like is one of my new life-quotes together with this one:

"I'm perfectly incomplete, I'm still working on my masterpiece. You haven't seen the best of me 'cause I'm still working on my masterpiece."

- Jessie J-

(SPOILER!  This might be written on my body someday, 'masterpiece')

Well then I feel like I've said everything needed. 

Lots of cuddles,

From me.

By the time Miso ended the letter it was already 11 pm and tomorrow she has to wake up for university so she put the letter in an envelope and put it in her diary. She even sealed it to make sure she won't open the letter the time is right. She prepared herself to go to bed and fell asleep immediately. The next morning she did just the normal stuff as always. Waking up, eating breakfast, brushing her teeth and putting on cloths and the then off to university. The bus was late -as always- but she still was on time to get on  the train. As usual Yeoljeong was waiting in the station. I greeted her the Korean way, "Anyoung!". At 4 pm our day was over and walked together to the station where our paths separated. After about one and a half hour of travelling I got home. Just as usual I go and look in the mailbox. Nothing special in there some advertisement and a letter. I went inside and put my bag away before I open the letter. On the letter it just said "From Kim Miso", not even a stamp. Miso opened the letter and started reading.

March 27, 2016

Dear me,

I am sorry. 

I'm sorry that you tried so desperately to fix others, when your own hands were shacking. I'm worried that I didn't give you enough time to heal, that I let you seal the wounds of everyone else whilst your own were bleeding. I'm sorry that there were days when smiling hurt but you forced yourself to laugh so no one had to worry about you. I'm sorry that you gave all of your time and effort to other people and lost yourself. I'm sorry that there were night when you cried yourself to sleep and no one bothered to understand why. And I am so sorry that I did not love you, like you deserved to be loved.

I hope that one day you can put your crown on your head and become your inner Queen.

Miso was shocked after she red the letter.

Did she just receive a letter from herself from the past?

"We are not makers of history. We are made by history."

-Martin Luther King Jr.-