Destabilising Dec too

Part 1

* contains mental health topics xx

Sprinting to the toilet, and kicking it shut with his foot, a shaky hand managed to reach the lock and flip it. The man didn't know what the hell to do, all he knew was he was having a heart attack. His chest was exploding as his heart raced to a point even his brain couldn't keep up with the beating. Clutching his heart, Dec hunched over the sink- trying, and failing, to make himself take some deep breathes. The world was closing in around him and he couldn't control his thoughts, never mind his body. He didn't want to die. A particular thought made him violently sick into the sink, not having time or the forethought to switch to the toilet.

That was the last straw though. He instantly felt some sort of relief and slid down the opposing wall; letting the tears travel down the tracks on his face. He was exhausted, and hunched up in a ball sobbing into his knees. The hyperventilating breath, managed to become shaky and deeper- coinciding with the sobs.

He wasn't going to die. But that's what his body had thought. His body had had the fight or flight response, the adrenaline coursing through his veins, without needing it. His body had sensed danger and had replied with a panic attack.

And there was danger, not I'm being attacked help danger, but the what is going to happen will everything be okay danger. Now with a more rational head,  Dec knew this was 'just' one of his panic attacks. It was 'just' a symptom. But he'd had a fractured arm and a broken leg before - and he would without hesitation take the physical pain from them, than what he was having to live with now.

He had been suffering with mild depression, anxiety and panic disorder ever since Ant's crash. The first time you have a panic attack, you never forget it. Dec truly thought he was going to die that first time, but given the situation at the time , Dec had calmed himself down by saying at least if he was dead he wouldn't have to do the shows.

Horrific as it sounds, that had been his coping mechanism the first few times. Until the time he had panicked with Ali.

Since then he'd been seeing a counsellor for an hour every week. But he had accepted that this was something he was going to have to live with.

Dec managed to get himself under control, the sobs became hiccups, and he attempted to dry his puffy eyes. He had learnt not to rush himself, yet he knew, people were sitting at the table wondering where the hell he had gone. Hauling himself up, to look at the mirror opposite, he took in his broken face. Panic attacks were absolutely shattering and the crying didn't help. Also, only then was he reminded of what he had left in the sink, and with a sad sigh he cleaned it all up. Eventually he was ready to go out and face the world again. He looked in the mirror and as he was about to unlock the door, put on his fake smile again. That had become one of his many talents faking the smile. He had always thought himself a bad actor, yet now he had to give himself that he had become quite talented.

Fake smile in tow, he clicked the door unlocked and swung it open.

Then froze.

He didn't know what to do. This cannot be happening he can't know. What should he say? He had a dodgy curry last night? He's not stupid that won't work. This has all gone to shit...

Ant had been waiting at the toilet door ever since Dec had ran out the meeting, mumbling some rubbish excuse. He saw Dec dive into the toilet clearly not looking good, and was going to knock and ask if he was okay- until he heard the sobbing. Until he heard the younger man hyperventilating through the door. Until he heard painful retches, as the hyperventilating subsided for more sobbing.

Ant had of course had some suspicions. Admittedly he had hoped he was wrong. But when he had heard Dec in the toilet, all his suspicions turned to fact.

And it was all his fault.

************
Im backkk! My exams don't finish till next week but I was so bored of revising I had to do this, hence why it's short!

I'm thinking of just doing this over 2 parts, but if you guys like I could write more like his journey with anxiety and everything- admittedly the chronology would be all over the place- so up to you guys.

Also I know it's a sensitive subject, I am writing from experience, but I do know everyone experiences things differently, so please know I'm not trying to offend anyone st all, tbh I find it quite therapeutic to write like this. If anyone thinks I'm displaying it really wrong please let me know I don't want to upset anyone at all xx
Lots of love T x