THOSE DARKEN MEMORIES

BROKEN BY A NARCISSIST FAMILY

Growing up the child of an alcoholic father, I felt unloved and branded by all his weakness and all his faults, because they would surely be my own. I am so tired of everything, all I have seen were all this darkness like someone is something had turned off all the lights, and all I feel is the pains that are so real, keeping me ill.

I have been suffering most of my life, where people are never nice. I am crushed in spirit and by heart,  where my emotions are always skyrocketing, yet, my mind is always curious about all of this. I know for now I have been defeated, cast in a place of darkness, where it is I, always feeling very weak. This has taken so much out of me, I have a dysfunctional family.

My life is a told wreck, I see how those hateful people look down on me because my family isn't what they think it should be. I feel like no one understands, what it is I had to see and live, Yet, I still forgive. My heart's been broken so many times, It is so unbelievable that a heart could go through so much abuse.

I hear so many giving me the talk about how to see the brighter side in life. All I could do is cry and ask Why? My mind is lost and confused, and truly don't know what to do. My father past away at a very young age. This pain has truly never gone away. Mental abuse takes a long time to heal. My family life was broken, I didn't know how to live any other way.

Oh, those nightmares haunt me night and day. I cried many times, I felt I was about to lose my mind. I felt so used up at a young age, I was lost in a dark haze. I couldn't take any more of these narcissistic ways of my mother and sister and my brother's abuse. I just couldn't take it anymore, and the whole town called me a whore.

I need someone just to comfort me and tell me it will all be okay. I don't get them often, because I landed in more abuse, that had locked me in a cage from life. I didn't have a voice, because I wasn't allowed to speak, much less scream. I was too young to know how to find my way out of this dark mess, I don't know where in life I was at, I didn't know anyone was out there in life, I wasn't allowed to have any friends, and my own family was a very big part of this abuse. It so dark and scary in this cold darken room.

I can't see anything good in my life, because really and truthfully there wasn't any. My tears that I can't control, is the truthiness of My silent voice. It hurts me so bad, knowing I had to live life like that. I tried so hard to never look back. It hurts so much when those cold memories state to take over me. I just want this pain to go away, but all I have is the rain. I know I could never really stop this agony, and I know I'm not truly free, from all that has happened to me. I can't stop thinking about it, because it hurts too much, this is my forever nightmares that continue to haunt me.

I want it to stop, I want the voices of my past of negativity to end, Make it stop, I cried so loud in the night, I feel I can no longer breathe, I Can't Breathe, someone please Help Me. I am trying to get out of it, but it makes things so much worse, I never had a family or a true friend I could have ever talked to. I try to ask for help, but that's when I got more Hell. I hear the people talk about my life, and they would read all that I write that was going on in my mind.

They soon go around and shame my name, they try so hard to play the part of my art...that bleeds away in all my writings. Oh, they would say, "She is just a waste of space, that is why her family left her in the first place." It wasn't long I started getting others trying to write and act like me, to divisive the world about me. But, just to let my haters know. They are nothing but cold hearts, I could never be like them. And they could never take what is already mine, and that is my life of misery.

They say, "You just want attention, don't you!? That is why you write as you do." and, "' You deserve this! Cause you hurt others by all your words you put out online, You must be out of your mind. you wasted so much of your life!' you need to find something new to do." "I must tell you this, "They'd say in anger, "You don't deserve to have any friends. I made you this way, so just die!!! You are the sister I never wanted in my life." I looked back at my own flesh and blood, with tears flowing from my eyes, and ask My own family, why have you done this to me? And they just laugh at me.

So, for most of the painful years of my life, I had written in my own blood-stained ink, for the whole, would read all about me, It's hard to speak louder to let people know that I came from a family of abuse, and married also abusers. They would tell me I was the black seed of the family, I didn't deserve to have a voice or a happy family, that I am a problem from birth. Oh, how this truly hurt. No one sees my silences or heard my voice until I started writing all my famous lines about my broken life.

-Judy Emery Copyright © 2019 The Queen Of Darken Dreams Poetic Lilly Emery