Hello there. My name is… well, honestly, I don’t remember. It’s been many, many years since anyone’s called me by it, and so I’ve simply forgotten. Not that it matters, I suppose. It is not my intention to make note of myself to everyone. I am not the subject of this excursion. This is just a little bit of advice I’ve decided to put to paper and release out into the world. Whoever finds this note may have their name as the author. It matters not to me.
Goodness, it is strange to actual write again. I haven’t done it in ages, so please excuse the poor handwriting. My fingers aren’t really designed for this purpose anymore, just as my body does not sit tremendously comfortably within this wooden chair. I will try to be as legible as I can. I want my message understood.
History has, throughout its recorded life, told many a tale of the strange and unusual. Ethereal spirits of those dearly departed, tentacled monsters that swallow entire vessels whole, mortal men that can shift between human and animal by the phases of the moon… I remember learning of such things in my youth, when novelties like books and education still interested me. Much of these stories are the workings of the imagination, the by-product of mortal fear, the explanation for the unknown when one cannot be found through fact. However, a small percentage of such notions do have some basis in reality. This is what I’ve been wanting to share with you, the finder of this etching.
I’m talking about vampires.
I have read countless tales of these bloodsucking beings, and I wish to be the first one to tell you that the human concept of the vampire is and always has been completely ludicrous. They went from being corpses found bloated and bleeding in their graves to pop stars with tiny fangs and desirable bodies. Some were spectral in nature, others more resembled the lycans or the walking dead, and a few were no more than snarling female heads. A million variations on a single concept – a life-eater – and not a single one of them is valid. You would think that, for a species with such a vivid and vast imagination, humanity would have at least come close to the truth about one of its most feared – and, in recent years, most beloved – monsters.
Well, maybe it is right in one respect.
Vampires do, in fact, drink blood. But they also eat meat as well. And all the other fluids a mortal body produces: water, spinal fluid, gastric acid, even urine and mucus. Generally, they consume every part of their kill right down to the bones. There is no preference or uncontrollable desire for one part of an animal’s anatomy. It is merely the sustenance needed to live, no different than what a bear or a bird of prey chooses for its meals. Though, I suppose you could say humans are a “preferred” source, seeing as they fulfill the calorie count of a vampire much more than other prey animals. A whole human can satiate a vampire for an entire month.
This is why there are no corpses found with the infamous twin pinpricks on the neck. And, that’s another thing – a vampire’s teeth. It is not simply two incisors in a mouth of perfect white bone. Vampires have little need for hygiene in general, let alone oral, so their mouths are cavernous breeding grounds for the foulest bacteria. While their bones are much stronger than a human’s, the teeth all tend to rot to brown, cavity-riddled points, which may have inspired the idea of a deadly kiss in the movies and books. However, anyone who is bitten by a vampire (and survives) will only gain a nasty bout of rabies or HIV rather than the gift of immortality.
Ah, yes, another thing the human theory of the vampire got… well, partially correct.
Vampires are by no means immortal – they are as susceptible to death as anything – but they can live remarkably long lives. Into the several hundred years, usually, though I believe the oldest was documented at about twelve hundred. I couldn’t tell you exactly why they have such hearty lifespans – perhaps it has to do with resilient immune systems or the fact that their primary organs (the brain and the heart) are much larger and suppler than a human’s. Biology was never my field of interest, and observation is the only reason I can make such vague hypotheses in the first place. Your guess is as good as mine, dear reader.
