Last night I committed suicide...
I left the house, jumped in my car and drove to the nearest Walgreens and got a pack of Tylenol PM's, $6.49 plus tax, 24 capsules...a bit expensive but who cares when you're about to die right!?...I pulled in to the nearest ihop and screamed and cried my eyes out as I texted ppl close to me trying to say goodbye in so many words letting them know my thoughts and how I feel....I put my phone down to listen to music and cry....as my phone vibrated I took the pills out of the bag....I shook as I opened the bottle slowly, one by one and two by two, putting each capsule in my mouth and following each with water, I cried harder and harder that I choked but drank more water to help...listening to Jagged Edge "And it's over, I'll never love another
I'm always thinking of her, I'm doing this because of her..
Don't wanna say goodbye..
I don't wanna let her see me cry..
Looking out the window and wondering why did we have to say all those things that we said last night
Baby I don't wanna say goodbye
So I'm just standing here wondering why
Just don't like to see when you cry
So I'ma say goodbye"
Sobbing to myself like an insane toddler that lost her favorite sentimental toy 🧸.....15mins later I'm feeling very drowsy and stopped crying realizing to myself what did I really just do and that there is no going back from this...I can't call the police and let them know what I just did, they will put me in an institution of some sort for even being a suicidal nut case...I've been here before, all because of a guy, I've been here before, Anita you have no self control and you are weak as fuck for even wanting to no longer be here in this world with your offsprings...who will protect them, no one will ever take care of them the way you do...no one will ever Live them the way you do...you have lost your mom as an adult and look how fucked up you turned out and how fucked up you are over her loss...it's already been five years and you just get even more fucked Up over time...it doesn't get better...so you really wanna fuck your girls up the way you and your sister are??? Anita you have CHILDREN‼️...is this what you want to do???...Fuck you Anita, fuck You for leaving this world the way you are, fuck you for putting pain in others because of your own selfish ass feelings and fucked Up thoughts and miserable ass life...fuck you for leaving those last words to Drae, "you did this to me".....fuck you for writing in your journal that he will eventually find saying that if you died I hope he suffers...FUCK YOU!!!!...My mind is racing with all these thoughts of how fucked up I truly am and how fucked up it is that I'm about to fuck the most important ppl in my life Up right now...not including my siblings and how they fight with how they just lost our Mom too and now they are about to lose a big sister and they don't even know it....yea I'm a big sister...my Mom and Dads first born...they look up to me...just like my girls...they look up to me...but this is what I'm showing them to look up to...that's so fucked up....I fucked up...not just with my relationship and not even know how to treat a damn good man to ruining everything my life consisted of...I fucked up...I'm out, painless, because everyone knows I have a very low tolerance for pain...we are not friends AT ALL....I'm falling, at least I feel like I'm falling from my car, am I being towed and can't open my eyes to see? Damn I thought ihop was 24hrs...no wait since they remodeled it it closes at 11pm now...way to go Anita...and my tint is so damn dark no one can even see inside the car....I hypnic jerk as I hit the ground very hard, I am no longer in my car....I instantly get nervous while thoughts of me being kidnapped run through my head..."where am I?" I start to tear up because I can't see and my eyes won't adjust to the darkness like they normally do...I hear a drip 💧 or some sort or water or rain, but it echos so I wonder if it's even close....I'm afraid to feel my way anywhere because I'm afraid of what I might touch or what might touch me....I afraid to walk anywhere because I'm afraid of what I may walk into or fall into...I'm afraid of everything at this moment because I don't know how I got here in the first place...
