Falling

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It's fall. A fall night. The grass turning brown. Wind knocking leaves down from trees; all colors. Though you close the windows, you still feel the cold air filling your home. You see pumpkins sitting still on porches, smell apple crisp being made. You hear the crunching sound of leaves as you step on them while walking home from school. Your fireplace keeping you all warm and toasty. Fall. Aren't these the things you think of when you hear the word "Fall" or "Autumn"? For me, it was. Now... well, it's a little bit more complicated.

My name is Xavier Maybrook. An average kid, with average dreams. A normal child, with normal goals. And a simple person, with simple ideas. Just like most children. But "average kids" don't have to start middle school knowing that they are going to die December 17th. I have AIDS: a disease where there is a HUGE loss of the body's cell immunity, which lowers the resistance to infection. So, instead of seeing the grass, leaves, and trees die this fall, I'm going to have to bear with watching MYSELF slowly die.

We have known since I was born that I have AIDS, but this June we found out that I am going to die because of it. Right now it is September 1st. I have decided not to tell my friends Alec and Parker. They don't deserve to go through what I will be going through. We three have been best friends for the longest time; nothing could ever stop us from being together... well, except for now my AIDS. And when I do die, I don't want them to know why. Just tell them that I had a heart attack, or that I got in a car crash or that nobody knows how it happened. I love them too much.

Then there are my parents. They have never told me their feelings about the situation, but I know exactly how they feel. Most nights I can't sleep because of the piercing sounds of their sobs. I had always seen my father as a strong, brave, and fearless man. I prefer seeing that side of him. Now hearing my own father bawl in his room thinking I can't hear him, hoping I can't hear him, it is an awful feeling. Knowing that this side comes out because of me hurts. My mother has always been a mush, but not ever like this. Whenever she looks at me I see her eyes filling up with tears, I hate it so much. But then again, I completely understand why.

Tomorrow is the last day of my last summer. But it doesn't feel like summer. People are already talking about Fall, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. It's almost like people are rushing how much time I have left, before I'm gone. Sometimes I wish that it would slow down. Other times I wish it would speed up. Like when I hear people cry, or when I feel like crying, I want it to finish, I want it to be over already. But when I'm having fun, I wish it could slow down, maybe even freeze time. To take a snap shot of that exact moment but to stay that way forever, no limits, no boundaries, no endings. Those are the best times.

The most scary part of this whole experience is the fact that, I could die anytime, anywhere, and we can't be sure when. Sure, the doctors made a "guess" that my "death day" will be December 17th and sure, the doctors are normally right with estimates like that. But I could really die whenever God wants me to be with him. I might live past that day, I might die before that day. It's a lot to take in: I would know. I wish somebody, ANYBODY would tell me the exact date and time I will pass on. I want enough time. Time... Time to learn, time to live, time to go to sleep, but hopefully also time to wake back up. Time to see, time to feel, time to know, but mostly, time for goodbyes. If I don't get to tell my parents a simple "goodbye" or an "I love you", I'll, I don't even know what I'll do. I mean how could I know, I'll be dead...