Basically, I'm Sorry. (a Dan Howell fic)

Basically, I'm Sorry.

My face was red hot with anger as I locked my eyes on the floor, not wanting to look her in the face. Somehow, we were fighting about god knows what, yet again. Finally, silence had fallen between us after a storm of shouting. I took a deep breath, a weak attempt to calm my racing heart.

"Bear, what's wrong?" She asked suddenly in a low and shaky whisper.

I opened my mouth to answer - my typical "it's nothing" or "I'm fine" - but my words failed me. A lump suddenly formed in my throat, forbidding me from speaking.

"Something's been wrong for a long time. I know it has," she pressed, stepping closer and resting a cautious hand on my shoulder.

I knew that she wasn't intentionally pressuring me. She was only asking because she cared. But I hadn't prepared to have this conversation. I hadn't yet meticulously practiced my lines or dissected all of her possible responses.

Still, I could not speak, completely paralyzed by my own mind. Rather than speaking, I pulled her closer into my chest, enveloping her in my embrace. She seemed to understand and held me tighter. She did not press any further, even though I knew that she wanted to.

I couldn't carry on like this. I couldn't keep doing this to her. She loved me. And I loved her too, but I could never love her in the same way that she loved me. This much, I knew. She had stayed by my side through some of the hardest and darkest times - times when I was beaten or harassed at school, times when I refused to go out because I felt so broken and lost, times when I would freak out and yell over the smallest of things. She had even been there for me on the night that I attempted to take my own life (though she would never know that). I owed her so much. I owed her an explanation.

Besides, perhaps this conversation was one best left unscripted.

When I pulled away, I was suddenly aware of the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. "Aria," I whispered.

"Daniel?"

She looked up at me, eyebrows knit together. I could tell that she was biting at her bottom lip, the way that she always did when she was anxious or worried. Her cheeks were streaked with tears: tears that I had caused. In the midst of all of my personal struggle, I had never stopped to consider all of the hurt that I was causing her.

"I think I..." was all that I could manage.

My voice caught like all the air had escaped my lungs. I felt like I was suffocating, the air in the room thick and unbreathable.

"Say it, Bear. It's okay. I won't be upset."

I took a deep breath.

"I think I'm gay."

It was barely audible, but hearing myself say those words out loud for the first time filled me with a strange mix of relief and horror. I had finally admitted what I had felt all along, but now it was real. Me speaking those words gave it permission to exist.

I sunk down onto Aria's bed, my knees weak under the weight of my own words. I felt her hand run through my hair as I buried my face in my hands in an attempt to hide the tears that were now free-flowing.

"Dan," she sighed, sitting down beside me, "you're my best friend. You know that?"

I looked up at her, trying to maintain the small amount of composure that I had left. "Yeah?" I forced out.

A faint smile flickered on her lips. "Nothing is ever going to change that. I'm here for you, no matter what."

Her brief smile felt like a shot straight to my heart, a pang of guilt hitting me square in the chest. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"You don't have to apologize. You've done nothing wrong," she said, trying to reassure me.

I shook my head. "But I am sorry. I'm sorry for how much I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I can't love you the same way that you love me. I wanted to. I tried. I tried so fucking hard for so damn long, but I just can't do it. And I'm sorry. If there was some way that I could magically make myself fall in love with you, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can't." My eyes wandered as I spoke, not wanting to meet hers. Eventually, my hazy vision came to rest on my hands.

Aria reached down and interlaced her fingers with mine. "That's okay," she sighed. "You're okay." There was a slight hitch in her voice that caught me off guard. Involuntarily, I flashed my eyes up to meet hers. Her smile had disappeared to be replaced by a tight-lipped expression and watery eyes. Delicately, she reached up and wiped a tear from my cheek. "Thank you for telling me. I can't imagine how hard that was for you."

I felt my heart clench. I never thought that having someone actually accept me would hurt so bad. Cautiously, I lifted my arm and wrapped it around her, pulling her closer. "Thank you for understanding," I whispered into her hair before planting a soft kiss on her temple.

And just like that, I had done it. I came out for the first time. And I felt so incredibly guilty for it.