You don’t remember things like I do, how it began for me. How the back of you looked, strong but cowering. You didn’t see me trying to catch your eye, see your face. And it’s been years now, its hard to remember exactly how it felt, but something in me surged and I was fixated. I tried for days to be at the right place at the right time so you would see me, talk to me. And when we finally met I felt like someone else, you looked at me in a way I couldn’t understand (but I loved it) you fell for me just like I had hoped, but more than I bargained for. You were everything I would need and want but you were early. You appeared when I was still too young to stand still, to appreciate the pureness of what we were. But I always knew. When you kissed me I felt it and I never wanted anything more in the world than to fall at your feet and present myself to you as a woman. But I wasn’t. I was still dancing through life bumping of walls and tumbling down stairs. I hid it from you, the love, and pretended you were just a friend who maybe some day would have his chance, but not today. I lied to everyone and devoted myself to others. One after another. And you watched out of the corner of your eye as a tumbled and fell every time, waiting for your moment. But I never gave you an inch to prove yourself. I couldn’t.
What you didn’t know then was that proving yourself was the last thing you needed to do. I knew you were there somewhere. Your presence in my life was like a sleeping hound on the front porch. Constant and comforting. I tried to grow as fast as I could. I fell in and out of love, broke hearts, learned lessons, became disciplined and by then you were less of a presence you were following your own path falling in and out of love. I remember the day you told me you loved someone else. It feels like it was yesterday. And I remember the feeling of resignation. You had grown up as well and your eyes had changed. She was beautiful in the best way. But she didn’t see you like I did. I sat and listened, relayed messages to her friends for you and swallowed the knot in my throat that had begun to choke me.
You faded out of my life again then. You always faded in and out. And that’s when I met someone. He reminded me of you when I first saw you. Oblivious to my advances, broad and gorgeous but lacking the confidence he deserved to carry. It didn’t take long before I realized I couldn’t replace you… it didn’t take long before the voice in me started whispering just like every other time.
You came to tell me you were moving… and I hid in the liquor cabinet till you arrived to say good bye. I can’t say I remember where we went but I remember when we got back. Sitting in the car taking pictures of our silly faces. If it hadn’t been for those faces I would have cracked open in front of you. But I knew you were excited and this was important for you. I smiled and watched you closely for signs you that didn’t want to leave me but by then you had resigned.
I wanted to tell you the truth, that I loved you all along, that I was protecting us from the faults of youth, that I wasn’t a child anymore and I wanted to go with you. I cried when you drove away. I finally broke and everything I had been holding in floated into the air after you, but I don’t think you noticed if you looked back. So I left too, I went home to heal and take a break from myself and the place we fell in love. I knew in the moments the plane left the ground the answer to the little voice… if I ever had the chance to choose… if you ever came back for me.
When Brian died I got on the first plane on New Years Eve. I was sicker then I ever remember being. I knew then you should know the truth. I needed you to forgive me for the pain id caused us. The challenges id ran from. Brian was the only one who knew and now that he was gone too I couldn’t hold it all myself. I couldn’t breathe through the smoke screen id created around us. I promised him id be the person he saw in me. I’d be honest and passionate and I wouldn’t make the mistake with you I made with him, I would tell you the truth even if it couldn’t change anything now. I told you, months later, but I told you. “I hope you know I always loved you back. I remember better than anything the first time I saw you. And waiting out side everyday for you to see me. I remember lying next to different guys and watching them sleep, crying. I remember trying to make a new year’s resolution on the way to Brains funeral. And knowing that when I got home I was going to leave the one guy who had ever treated me the right way. But who also reminded me of you. I remember wishing the words came out the night you said goodbye but all I could think was I was going to hurt you more. And I couldn’t bring myself to tell you when you were so set on leaving. I just kept telling myself it was too late. Later I fell in love again. And then as I had just settled in… there you were parked in front of my mom’s house like you had never left. And the question I had answered before came back… just like it did when I watched my boyfriend sleep, snuggled against me…what if he came back, wouldn’t you want the chance to kiss him and be in his arms without dishonesty?... and of course I got in your car took one look at you and my heart screamed for the millionth time in the history of love… YES…. Because it never mattered who, when or how much I cared about someone else it was always you in my future. So that relationship ended even though you were already gone…again…”
Now im hanging somewhere in limbo. You said you would come home for a few days. Give me a chance to tell you the truth to your face. Give us a chance to remember why we waited years for each other. But I know you won’t stay. I took too long to find the courage and I left too much of it up to fate. And this feeling, waiting for your touch, but knowing it won’t last, that’s the hardest feeling. The stone that’s been weighing down my heart these two years is growing just like it used to and its going to tear through the moment I see that look in your eyes.
