HAPPY ~ JASHA

H A P P Y

('Five Doors' - series 7 episode 2)

"I'm not sorry... I never want to see any of you again"

The lie replays in my head over and over again.
I can't stop remembering Jody's face the last time I saw her; that betrayed look I caused.

I've only been gone a couple of hours but it feels like days dragging out.
It's too quiet. I can't stop thinking.

I look to my left and see Freya's name scratched into the wall, along with several others.
So here I am? In her old room, feeling exactly how she must have felt all those years. More alone than I knew I thought possible.

The last time I felt like this was when I first came to the DG... When I left one home and found another.
I had said goodbye to my mum and she said she'd call, even if I didn't believe her.
But now? I'm here to protect my family.
The family I found, and the family I lost... At least they'll be safe now.

I unconsciously unpack my things from the suitcase I shoved things into in a hurry, desperate to get out of there. To rip the band-aid off and end it quickly.
I thought that way it'd hurt less... I was wrong.

Worn toothbrush, an old sketch pad, used paint brushes - they feel like they belong to someone else. Another version of me from before all today's events happened.

I'm a little worried I'll be stuck with my things not feeling like my own until I pull out my favourite jumper.

Pink, yellow and blue stripes.
Three years ago I never would've worn this, or had the confidence to admit I liked something so bright. What has Candi-Rose done to me? Well for one thing, she's spilled ice cream down the front from the last time she borrowed it without asking.

My Death Night Thrashers top I've worn to every gig I could possibly get a ticket for, which is a lot less than I would've liked. It's still got paint on it from the time Tyler bumped into me whilst I was working last week. I shouted at him until he carefully washed out the paint by hand, promising he could fix it... I can still see the stain faintly.

My leather jacket - my armour.
I used to feel like when I wore this nobody could hurt me, but today that proved untrue. All the strength I thought I had disappeared when Freya came back into my life.

And lastly my rainbow top that looks way too big for me-
"Shit"

I move back a few steps to sit on the hard bed, my legs turning to jelly.
The top is bunched up in my messily packed suitcase, the striped fabric standing out from my mainly black packed clothes.
I gain the courage to look at it properly, holding it up and laugh lightly when I see the word 'happy' printed on the front.

The memory of Candi forcing Jody and I to go clothes shopping with her is burned onto my mind, and I'm glad - it's one of the last good ones I have of the three of us. Jody ended up getting the most ironic top she could find as Candi said she'd pay if she approved it. She acted like she hated it to me as soon as we got home but not two days later she was wearing it, laughing loudly at some sketch on the telly, her smile as bright as the sun peeking through the window beside her.

I miss her even though I haven't had time to yet.

I realise I'm gripping the t-shirt so tightly my knuckles have turned white.
I let it go, placing it beside me and wrap my arms around myself instead.

Closing my eyes I'm back at home after the last time I almost left.
She's holding my drawing of the two of us, and smiling warmly at me before diving down for a hug. Our only hug.
I figured that would be the start of many but I guess it turned out to be the first and last.

I'd do this all over again for another one of those hugs.

That was the moment I felt loved by someone I used to think hated me.
Maybe she finally will now after what I've done?
I hope she remembers the good stuff as I'll try to.

I might never see her again but I'll always have the memories.
Even Freya can't take that away from me.