Century-old dust spills into the air as I crash into the hard, rocky ground. My 6 foot, 190 pound body skids along the cave floor until coming to a stop against a wall. Trying to make that jump was a mistake. I groan, then sit up. My faded fedora rests on the ground a few feet away, leaving my shaggy brown hair exposed to the dirt and grime. Spitting dirt out of my mouth, I take off my boots and empty them as well. Sweat glistens off of my sun-tanned skin, and my piercing green eyes scan the darkness for danger. Finding none, I lean back against the wall. Time to rest. I don't know how much farther I can go. A soft ticking comes from the ceiling above me. Slowly, I look up and see what I have been fearing. The spider is coming. A rock breaks loose and falls towards me, bringing a rain of sediment. Maybe if I sit still it won't see me. But I decide to take the chance to run.
Springing to my feet, I tear off in the opposite direction. I look back at where the spider was, but nothing is there. Turning back to the path too late, I trip on a rock and stumble. Tucking into a roll, I save my skin if not my dignity. At least the spider is gone now. I brush the dirt off my jacket and stand up. An uneasy feeling fills me, and the hairs on my arms stand straight up. Turning around, I meet my nightmare. The spider, easily three times my size, is crouching, waiting to pounce four yards away. My breath catches in my throat, and I instinctively back away. A long, skinny arm shoots out and slams me onto my back, knocking the wind out of me. I gasp for air, but get nothing. The spider creeps forward, and I see a gleam in its eye. Well, in five of its eyes. Long, hairy mandibles open and shut with a clacking sound, and saliva drips from the creature's jaws.
A roar erupts from somewhere inside the beast. Spit flies everywhere, and steams as it hits the dirt. I hear a disgusting sucking noise, then a glob of drool launches its way out of the spider's mouth. I desperately crawl backwards, but it still lands on my left leg. The corrosive liquid traps me, then starts to eat away at my leg as I scream in agony. I glance up through half closed eyes as I writhe on the ground, only to see teeth and jaws and eight deadly eyes! I fling my hands up to stop the beast, but it feels awfully fluffy now. A bright light shines from within the spider, and I squint in the blinding blast of photons. Wait. This isn't a spider. It's my pillow.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! I bolt awake, sweat pouring from my body. It was just a dream. Only a dream. Smacking my alarm clock, I sigh in relief, then take a deep breath. Bad idea. The smell of human perspiration hits my nostrils. I fight my gag reflex as I throw the covers off. My bed is soaked. I won't get this washed for a week!
Staggering out of bed, I peel off my clothes and shuffle to the bathroom. The door opens with a creak, and I hear a dripping noise. My heart pounds in my chest. I search my mind frantically for an idea. This is it, time to prove myself. Throwing the door open, I leap into the bathroom with a banshee-like yell. Time slows down, and I find myself suspended in the air. I whip my head around and see the sink. The handle is turned ever so slightly in. Little droplets of water sit still as their pilgrimage from the faucet to the drain is halted. Crap.
I once again enter the realm of physics and finish my journey through the air. My feet hit the ground, and I skid along the floor. I skid, that is, until my precious toes smash against the little wall that separates the shower from the rest of the bathroom, whatever that is called. My feet stop, but the upper half of my body keeps its momentum, and my nose and the wall have a brief but intimate introduction, ending with a crunch. Completing my adventure, I fall headfirst into the shower. Maybe I should try out for the Olympic skiing team. Blood leaks from my nose onto the linoleum floor of the shower. I reach up to comfort my injured sniffer, but he has a different idea. I yelp in pain as my blundering hands do the equivalent of a jackhammer to my swollen schnozz. Nice. Broken nose. Perfect way to start the day.
Finishing my painful shower, I clamber out of the bathroom holding a first aid kit. I can't go to the hospital, don't have time. Or money. I pass by a pink door in the hallway and stop. Everyday I pass by this door, and everyday I have to stop and think. The memories flood back with more pain than my nose. My wife, Jenny, and daughter, Katherine, left me after I was fired from my own company. Apparently I was too much of a failure to live with, and the staunching of the money flow also was incentive to pack their bags and find a new life. Away from me. And my failure. A throbbing in my nose brings me back to the present. The horrible, terrible present. I tread to the kitchen and place the first aid kit on the counter. The cool tiles chill my bare feet and hit the reality of my cold, empty loneliness even harder. Opening the box of miracles, I pull out a bottle of Tylenol, and read the label. "3 tablets?" I ask myself. "I'm thinking 10." At this point I don't care what the side effects are. My nose is in extreme pain.
While downing the medical concoction of wonders, I shuffle around the kitchen grabbing things I need: cereal bowl, milk, Lucky Charms, newspaper. Sitting down, I pour my breakfast, and the stale marshmallows and nasty wheat shapes clink softly into the bowl. Milk sloshes out as I pick around the healthy parts, and a puddle lands on the paper. I open it up to inspect the damage, and an ad catches my eye. "Adventurous Types Wanted! Fame and Fortune Await! Inquire Within."
"Huh, might be worth checking out," I mumble to myself. I scribble the number and address down, grab my jacket and sneakers, then head out the door. Once I'm on my driveway, I open the door of my 2005 Honda Accord and prepare for my trip. Turning the key only turns the engine over, and I check the gas levels. Empty. Guess I'll walk. The mid-morning sun smiles down on the peaceful Cedar Rapids. As I stroll down the sidewalk towards adventure, I contemplate my decision. I could be mugged. Or killed. Or both. Or I'm just paranoid. But I could also find fame and fortune, the two things I would need to get my family back. Grim determination fills my face, and I quicken my pace. To destiny.
Approximately 14 minutes and 27 seconds later, I stare up at the sign above the shop's door. "Hoerr Machinery. Sounds like a respectable establishment." Checking the address once more, I push the door open and saunter inside. A little jingle goes off somewhere in the building, and I hear a voice yell, "We'll be right with you!" Spying some chairs off to the side, I take a seat and pick up the latest edition of "Sports Illustrated". A stocky, middle aged African-American man with an afro, blue sports jacket, and an eye patch saunters out of a door to the left while I peruse the pages of the magazine.
"Hi, I'm Kip Hoerr, but you can call me the Tunnel Man." He greets cheerfully. "I've owned this place since 1994. So why are you here?"
"I'm actually here for the ad you put in the paper." I reply. "The one about adventure?" I stand and shake his hand.
"Oh! Well you're the only one who came, so I just assumed nobody would. Right this way-uhh-what's your name again?" he inquires.
"Phillip Masters." I add.
"Ok Phillip, right this way!"
We walk through some corridors and stop at an unmarked door. Kip jingles with his keychain until he finds an old, ancient looking key. Kind of weird, but all right. I want to hang in there, mostly because of how happy Kip is that I came. Unlocking the door, we step inside.
"Alright Phillip, everything you need is right in here." Angelic choirs burst into song as a bright glow radiates from inside the room of wonders. Ok, maybe not, but it was cool, in the way that old junk is. Weathered, brown pith helmets with headlamps hang from hooks on the wall. Under those are brown, dusty leather jackets with matching gloves and hiking boots. A lot of brown. With each set sits an 8 foot bullwhip, 4 coils of rope with spikes, and 4 black, odd looking pineapple sized balls.
"Uhh, what are those?" I ask, pointing at the black orbs.
"Oh, in the original Russian, those are szara bumbaas, but they're basically hand grenades. You just push the button shaped like an "A" to activate them and you have about 7 seconds before they explode. They might come in handy." He explains with a wink. I stare blankly at him, and he gives me a knowing grin. Shaking off the comment, I grab a helmet. It fits snuggly on my head, and I pull on a pair of boots and gloves. The ropes come next, and those get hooked onto my belt with the sza-szara, whatever those things are called. I grab the whip and try to crack it. The coiled leather flaps around wildly and almost takes off Kip's head. "You can practice a bit over there if you want." He informs me while backing away. I take him up on his offer, and after half an hour, I'm able to use the whip like a true master. Well, almost. The gash on my back stings as does my dignity.
Sometime later, Kip walks back into the room for some more briefing. "There will be many chances to opt out during the journey, but if you do, you lose everything you might have found. Find your way through and the treasure is yours. By the way, you might find some things down there that seem, well, odd. Otherworldly. But don't worry, you still have a chance to survive. Just keep pushing and you'll make it. Maybe. Oh, here's a waiver you have to sign that excludes us from any legal responsibility in the likely event of your death." I snatch the papers out of his outstretched hand, and he lends me a pen. I scribble my signature, hand back the documents, then prepare myself for what comes next.
We walk over to a flight of stone stairs going down, and he stops. "This is where I get off partner. Once you get to the bottom, you start. There's no prep time for what's down there. This is your last chance to get off. Are you still going through with this?" A look of curiosity fills his face. I give a slow nod, then turn toward the stairs and begin my descent. A hearty "good luck!" wafts down from above. The door slams, then darkness. Ok, this is getting creepy. I fumble around with helmet until a yellow light flickers on. The rest of the journey down is without trouble, if you don't count the time I tripped and rolled down 37 steps. This is actually starting to get boring. Not for long though, as my boot strikes dirt.
The musty smell of death lingers in the stale air. Hisses and guttural moans echo from somewhere in this pit. I turn my head towards the ground, and spot a glint of green through the crusty sediment. Kneeling down, I tear at the floor, and unearth a fist sized shimmering emerald. I inspect the gem in my helmet's light, until I hear a hiss behind me. I leap to my feet and whirl around, whip in hand. A massive cobra meets my gaze, and it rears its ugly head up. I take a deep breath, then snap the whip in the direction of the snake. My aim is true, and the serpent's head falls to the ground, completely severed by my trusty weapon.
I take a moment to realize my accomplishment. But it doesn't last long, as a large bat swoops down from the ceiling and rakes my face with its claws. I stumble backwards and shine my beacon through the darkness. Nothing. Turning, I sprint off into the darkness, away from the stairs. Maybe I should have stayed topside. I'll just go up when I get the chance. Kip, I mean, the Tunnel Man said that I would have plenty of chances to escape. Who cares if I didn't get any treasure? At least I would be alive. With my mind set, I screech to a stop on the brim of a looming crevice that seems to fall for eternity. I peer through the stifling air and see the other side of the pit. A long way away. No way I'm making that jump.
After laying down on my stomach, I gaze down into the abyss. My headlamp's rays glint off of something shiny. Maybe more emeralds! Or diamonds, that would be cool too. I unhook a rope from my belt, and tie a quick slip knot. Taking a spike from my belt as well, I pound it into the ground with my boot and loop the rope around it. Hopefully it holds. I drop the cord down into the darkness, and spin around so my feet hang over the edge. Grabbing onto the rope, I slowly lower myself down to the cave floor far below.
The journey takes me at least a minute, and once I reach the bottom, I try to tug my rope back down to me. It won't budge. I guess that's why I have 4 of them. I then turn my attention back to the possible treasure. Except it's not there. Nothing is there, save an old ceramic jar and a rotting storage crate. Then I hear it, the soft ticking sound. Not this again. Whirling around, I grab the jar and heave it towards the sound. A shriek sounds from the shadows, and a 3 foot tall arachnid tumbles down a short slope. It comes to a stop at my feet, and its legs are twitching. I raise my boot, then bring it down hard with a crunch, putting the vile thing out of its misery. My mind flies back to my dream, but I notice one little detail. The spider in my dream was humongous, and this was only somewhat large. Well, it's not like the two are connected, right? Pushing the thought from my mind, I turn my attention back to the vanquished foe. After examining the dead spider for a few seconds, I warily step closer to the crate.
Brushing the layer of sediment off of the top, I search for a label. Finding none, I proceed to tear the boards off of the top. I shine my light inside, and see 3 more coils of rope. The Tunnel Man didn't say anything about this stuff. I guess it's ok to take it. I snatch the musty coils and secure them onto my hip. Weariness takes over, and I sit down to rest. "Just 5 minutes Phillip. Just 5 minutes." I mumble to myself, but my consciousness is dragged away in a tidal wave of memories.
I snap awake, half expecting my doom. That was foolish to fall asleep, especially with my light on. Shutting it off to save battery, I wonder how long I was under. An hour? 5 hours? 2 days? I really have no idea. But I must keep moving if I want to escape this underground prison. I switch my light back on and continue down the tunnel. It slopes gently downwards, so I have no trouble jogging to make up for lost time. After a mile or two, I stop and lean up against the cave wall. Roots tickle the back of my neck, so I jerk away from them, only to find an old treasure chest hidden behind a large rock. The realization of what I am doing hits me like a truck as I kneel next to the box. I am in a cave. With treasure worth millions. A smile creeps onto my face. Even with the danger, this is the most fun I've had in ages. I giddily lift the lid on the ancient chest. The century-old hinges creak as they are moved, and I find more jewels inside. At this rate I'll be able to buy a new house! I greedily pocket the glittering gems, then take a few minutes to search the ground for more. I turn a corner, and find an old, gray ladder ascending up into the dark. I turn my head upward, then climb up the rickety rungs. At the top is a small outcropping, and on the shelf is another ceramic jar. I giggle with glee and pick up the jar. It seems to move in my hands, so I hold it farther away from my body. Good thing I did, though, as another cobra comes slithering out of the jar itself.
I yelp and stumble backwards off of the ledge, falling 15 feet onto my back. That did not feel good. Gasping for air, I instinctively whip into the darkness. Except the snake isn't there. I look back up to the ledge, and find him still slithering back and forth, not able to come down to battle me. I mercifully let him live, and turn to my left. The ground drops out again, but this time I can safely make the jump across. I continue on this path until I see another light coming from around the corner. Maybe it's another traveler that showed up late! We can journey together, and have a better chance at surviving! Renewed with energy, I pick up my pace and round the bend, only to find a large, wood-floored room. An old man toting a 12 gauge sits in an old rocking chair reading a book in the lantern's basking glow. He notices my presence, gets up, leans his shotgun on his chair, and hobbles towards me.
"What brings you to these parts?" he inquires with a toothy grin. Well, it would be a toothy grin if he had more than 3 teeth. "Lookin' for some equipment? I got just the things for you." He shows me to a counter on the side of the room. On it is littered gear of every kind; knives, ropes, the hand grenades, a pair of boots with spikes in the bottom, a pickaxe, some weird blue box, and a yellow cape, to name a few. I pick up a shotgun off the table, and he reaches out and grabs it from me. "Now this ain't free." he warns me. "Yeah, I know you got some o' them pretty jewels in your pockets. Just hand some over and we'll call it square." I hesitate, then grab some of the diamonds and plunk them onto the table. He counts them out, then gives some back to me and hands me the shotgun. "Now, it's only got 10 extra shells." he reminds me. "I trust you know how to work one of these things."
"Yeah I think I'll figure it out." I reply as I load a shell into the gun, then place the remaining nine into my pocket. A great idea hits me. If I can get rid of this guy I can take anything I want. I make a quick note of his gun, which is still sitting on his chair. Perfect. A devilish grin fills my face, and I turn back to the old man. "On second thought, I'll need just a bit more."
"Well that'll cost you more money I presume." he chuckles.
"Let me rephrase that." I start. "On second thought, I'll take everything you've got. Just stand against the wall and there'll be no trouble." I point the gun at him, and the color drains from his face. He staggers backwards, then stumbles and falls onto his side. I turn my attention back towards the table, and quickly grab the grenades. Slipping on the spiked boots, I notice the yellow cape and whirl around. The old man is still shivering on the floor. "Hey what's this do?" I ask as I hold up the fabric.
"Well-uh-you see." he stammers, so I shoot a warning shot into the ceiling. He yelps and spits out the rest. "It works like a parachute. If you start falling then you pull the cape over your head and grab onto the corners. It saves time and ropes. I made it myself." he replies proudly.
"That's great, but I don't think I'll need this piece of junk." I snicker. I toss the cape back onto the table. I start for the door, then turn and take another look at the old man. He's moved a few feet closer to his chair, so I saunter back in and grab his gun. I fire off the shell already loaded into his weapon, grab the box of ammunition under the table, and count out the shells left. 5. Well, at least it's better than nothing, right? Pocketing the box, I tip my hat to the extremely generous man, and make a hasty escape. I wander for a few more hours without trouble until finding a peculiar doorway. I stick the barrel of my weapon through, then leap through the opening. A long, dirt hallway stretches before me, and gradually shifts into lush grass and foliage about halfway through. Odd. I start to walk towards an opening at the other end, but a voice stops me. It's the Tunnel Man! He emerges from a doorway hidden in the shadows.
"You must have met Jimmy." he notes, obviously referring to my shotgun.
"Yeah, we met." I inform him guiltily. Maybe I shouldn't have stolen all of this stuff. I almost tell him about the encounter, then stop myself. I did what I needed to.
"Well, here's a place where you can get off. Just follow me up this staircase back to the land of the living. If you want to." he adds. I ponder this decision. It hasn't been that hard for me so far. I have a shotgun, plenty of explosives and ropes, and plenty of money in jewels. I can't give up now, not while Jenny and Katherine still hate me.
"Nah, I think I'm good." I reply. "Maybe next time."
"Alright! The next part is just through the other door at the end of this tunnel. Just to warn you, this is going to be more dangerous than the last one. It's also going to be different. Very different." he includes ominously. We stand in silence for a few seconds, then I turn and head for the next section of my journey. "Good luck!" he calls after me as I enter the darkened doorway. Yeah right. Like he cares. I take a deep breath of warm, moist air, then turn a corner and nearly faint at what lies before me. "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n' Roses plays (in my head), and that is exactly what I see. A jungle. I switch off my headlamp, as the tropical rainforest is lit by some eerie light that seems to emanate from nowhere but everywhere at the same time. I hear croaks and shrieks as rushing water pounds onto rocks in the distance. This is truly beautiful. There is a spring in my step as I take a deep breath of the fresh air. I no longer stoop in fear of what lies around the next corner, as everything is open and bright here.
A brilliant blue frog the size of a young elephant leaps from off of its perch towards me. Mesmerized, I stare at the collosal croaker until it almost leaps on top of me. I dive out of the way, and the attacking amphibian slams onto the ground where I stood a few seconds ago. Using my prior knowledge of animals, I deduce that this frog is poisonous, due to the flashy skin. Remembering my weapon, I raise it and end the life of a beautiful but dangerous creature. Only 13 shells left. To save ammunition, I pull out the rope spikes and coat the end in the poison secreted from the frog's skin. Now I have poison daggers. Nice. I feel the gems in my pocket and realize I haven't been searching for any after the shop incident. Getting down on my knees, I run my hands through the thick undergrowth.
This continues for about an hour, and I only found 3 large chunks of gold. I'm ready to give up, until my hand scrapes on something hard. Further examination yields a vertebrae, which leads to a skeleton, human to be exact. The color drains from my face as I stumble back in disgust. I'm not really feeling the vibe for collecting valuables anymore. Just as well, because I spot another frog down a short hill, but this one is red. I coolly pump my shotgun to load a shell into the chamber, then creep towards the beast. My heart pounds in my chest as the frog slowly turns its head to look at me. Our eyes meet. Pure, unbridled fury in his. Grim determination in mine. His powerful legs launch his 1 ton body into the air, and I pull the trigger at the same time. 12 shots left with another frog down. That was anticlimactic.
I examine the creature once more. He looks a bit bigger this time. Maybe it's just the lighting. I warily step forward and touch the red, slimy skin. It is swelling. Maybe I should pop it. I pull a shank from my belt and stab it into the carcass. That was the wrong choice. The dead frog does pop, and with more force than I imagined. Blood and guts fly everywhere, and a 4 foot deep crater is all that is left of the red frog. I fly backwards and smash into a rather hard tree. Luckily my last thoughts turn off the lights as they leave.
Screech! Ooga! Ooga! My eyes flutter open to the sight of brown fur and tails. A noxious smell invades my nostrils and I gag. Where am I? Is that a... monkey? It does turn out to be a monkey, and not just one, but dozens, all dancing around and hooting. I roll off of whatever I was laying on, and a 3 story fall meets my face. Gasping, I frantically grab onto branches to get myself back to safety. The monkeys must have taken me while I was asleep. Glancing around, I notice my treasure scattered about the monkey's domain. I reach for an emerald, and the monkeys stop dancing. They all turn towards me and bare their teeth. I shrink away from the jewel, but they're still watching me closely. My mind searches for an escape route until I remember the szara bumbass. Taking one from my belt, I calmly push the button and drop it into the middle of the party. The monkeys flock to this new treasure, and I run. Well, I run as best as I can in a tree.
Climbing through the branches, I spot just what I have been looking for. A soft landing. Taking one last look at the monkeys, I leap off of the tree. An explosion rocks the air behind me, and a shock wave plummets me into the water. With a mighty splash, I break the surface of the lake and shoot under. I open my eyes to a beautiful site. Coral reefs. Beautiful fish. One very large piranha. Crap. I kick wildly to escape the fish, but it speeds over to me in seconds. Circling me, it opens and shuts its jaws just to show me its 100 teeth. Taking my moment, I grab another szara bumbass, smack the button, and shove it into the piranha's mouth. It stares at me for a brief second, then starts to gnaw on the grenade. I swim for the top, but not fast enough, and another explosion shoot me back out of the water.
Soaking wet, I tumble to a stop at the bottom of a hill. My head is ringing from all of the explosions and also the hard hit against the tree. I stagger to my feet, only to lose my balance and fall again. I gasp as my lack of air hits me, and my lungs feel on fire from all of the water consumed. Defeated, I lay down and feel in my pockets. They didn't even leave a single pebble. Tears spring to my eyes, and for the first time during this whole journey, I realize how stupid I was. There is no way I'll be able to survive this. If it only gets more dangerous, then I'm a dead man walking. I should've taken the exit. Then I realize something. I don't have my shotgun. Now I'm screwed.
A few hours pass, and I haven't moved. I don't move, until I hear someone screaming.
"HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!" I sit up. The Tunnel Man said no one else came. And that didn't sound like him. So maybe it's another shop owner? If so, then they probably already know about how I robbed Jimmy. But I decide to follow the voice anyway.
"HOLD ON, I'M COMING!" I yell back. Hopefully whoever it is heard me. Tearing off into the jungle towards the sounds, I grab my whip and and grip it tightly. This might be a tough fight.
I skid into the clearing, and don't believe my eyes. "Jenny!" I call, and start to run towards her. Her beautiful golden hair shimmers in the light, and a look of pure terror fills her face. I smile warmly and come closer. "Come on, I don't look that bad." She stutters, then points over my shoulder. I spin around, and find a large flower behind me. That's odd. I didn't see that before. And for a good reason too, as the petals snap shut, then open again. The plant starts to shift, and its roots come out of the ground. Lifting itself up, it slowly starts to move towards us. Jenny screams behind me, and I try to keep myself from doing the same. I pull out a spike, and grip it with all of my might. The plant stops for a moment, and I make my move. My feet leave the ground, and with my weapon outstretched, I soar towards the ferocious flower.
The plant looks up and me, then opens its jaws. Shiny white teeth gleam from within the beast, and I throw the wooden spike as hard as I can into it. My aim is true, and the shank flies into the flower with a loud thunk. I tuck into a roll, but not fast enough, and my face smashes into the moist sod. The plant convulses behind me, then falls forward. Onto my leg. Three of its razor sharp teeth stab into my right calf, and I yelp in pain. Jenny runs towards me with her hands covering her mouth. "Please help me." I plead breathlessly as the flower's corrosive stomach acid starts to burn into my wounds.
"I can't." she replies, then fades away. What. A sharp, stinging pain erupts into my entire right side, and I frantically wrestle the carcass off of me. I crawl away from the corpse, and grimace as my cuts are raked over the grass. Where did Jenny go? Then it hits me. She was an illusion, due to my lack of oxygen from the swim and also the running. Bummer. But she did give me one thing that I need. Hope.
"I have to do this. I can do this. I will do this." I chant over and over while I tear off a part of my pant leg and tourniquet my wounds. I rise to my feet, and realize one thing. I'm not dead yet. So until I am, I will fight with everything I have.
I tear ferociously through the rainforest, searching for the doorway. After only minutes, I spot it in the distance, and sprint like my life depends on it. Because it might. I fall into the next hallway, and feel a chill. Blue rocks litter the ground around the next exit. Icicles hang from the ceiling. And the Tunnel Man makes yet another entrance.
"I see you took a little swim." he chuckles. I grin at his feeble attempt to make a joke, then get right down to business.
"Anything I need to know about this next section?"
"Yep. It's gonna be cold. Very cold. So I would suggest drying off before you go." he replies.
"You're not even going to give me a towel?" I smirk.
He only smiles, then saunters back up the stairs.
I sit down for a short rest, but it quickly turns into a long one. At least I'm dry now. I get up, and walk to the next part of my adventure.
Kip was right about it being cold, because as soon as I walk through the door my jacket doesn't feel like enough. Neither do my gloves. My breath condenses in the air in front of me as I peer through the mist. I step warily out onto the grey rock ledge and glance down. Bad idea. Another infinite drop. I turn to go back, but the door slams shut with a bang. Nice. I'm trapped on this 3 foot by 3 foot piece of rock overlooking an abyss. I rub my hands together and pull out a rope and a spike. Tying the rope around the spike, I search for a solid place to land. Finding one, I reel back and hurl the wooden stake through the air. It thunks into another rock tower and holds fast. I grip the rope tightly, then step off of the ledge.
Freefalling is one of the scariest things known to man. I mean, being suspended in the air by nothing is freaky enough, but staring into death itself? Not my cup of tea. But it only lasts for a second, and then I'm following the curve made by the rope. Now I need a place to land. I scan below me and see a flat, white stretch of ice. Swinging low, I let go of the cord and free fall yet again, expecting to slide a bit on the ice. Except I forgot about my spike boots. They dig in to the solid water and stick, and I fall over due to my momentum. The ice isn't very slippery, though, so I stop within 10 feet of the edge. I stand up and brush the ice off of my jacket.
Shivering, I look where to go next in this maze of rocks and ice. A roar breaks my concentration, and I instinctively crouch behind a boulder. I stick my head over to see what made the noise, and the boulder gets lifted up, clipping my chin. I flip onto my back as a large white-haired ape effortlessly hoists the large chunk of solid rock. A yeti. Makes more sense than the red exploding frog.
He slams the rock down, cracking the ice between us. Unfortunately, my side falls, but I do happen to grab onto a ledge of rock before plunging to my death. Dangling by one's own strength alone is not something I would recommend. The sharp rocks dog into my chest, and I struggle to heave myself back up to safety. As my grip starts to fail, I remember the way Jenny's nose would wrinkle when she laughed, and the way Katherine used to roll her eyes whenever I made a dad joke. That's all I need to keep myself going. Renewed energy burns through my veins, and I pull myself up to safety.
Exhausted, I lay on the cold rock and rub my fingers. Pulling off a glove reveals bright red extremities, and just moving them hurts now that my adrenaline rush is gone. I put the glove back on and plot my next course. Dozens of ledges lie to my right, extending into the distance. With the gaps between them around 10 feet each, I shake out my legs and arms, and start running.
The only good thing about the cold is that my leg is numb, so I can't feel my deep gouges. My lungs hurt from the cold air, but I still manage to cross the chasm by way of the ledges. Stopping at the next large one I come to, I sit down and catch my breath. So far this section has been mostly uneventful, but I instantly regret that comment as another roar echoes from somewhere in this desolate pit. Another roar. Then another. Crap. I jump to another ledge, then lay down and peer over the edge. 3 yetis stand in a circle, obviously communicating somehow. Pulling my last szara bumbass off of my belt, I push the button and drop it right into the middle of them.
A deafening blast rocks the caverns, and more roars sound. I stab a spike into the rock, and tie on the rope. Climbing down, I search for the bodies of the yetis. No way that that grenade was powerful enough to vaporize them. I land on the ice shelf, and look around for danger. But there's nothing around. Odd. I just heard what sounded like hundreds of yetis barking out a war cry. A deep, ground shaking roar sounds from something rather large, and cracks appear on the ice. Icicles fall around me and I scramble around trying to dodge them. One lands on my shoulder, and I exhale suddenly. The sharpened, solidified spike buries itself into my body, then snaps off a few inches above my shoulder.
I grab the remaining portion, and yank it out of me. Blood starts to bubble out of my new wound, and my arm screams in pain. The pounding comes closer and closer until standing in front of me is a 20 foot tall yeti. He roars once again, and more ice falls. I grab my last spike and rope, and connect the two. The yeti lumbers towards me, and I sprint and slide between his legs. I stab the spike into his ankle before transitioning to my feet and running around the goliath. He swipes a massive paw at me, but I slide under that too and finish my rounds. Taking another step, he trips on the ingenious idea of mine, and smashes to the ground, breaking the ice and plunging him to his doom. Well, I can't say it was all my idea, as I did see The Empire Strikes Back.
My celebration is short lived, because a chorus of yeti howling starts up. They're mad because their leader is dead. And they're mad at me. They start to charge, coming from every which way with pure hatred in their hearts. I back up slowly, then reach the beginning of the chasm. My pulse pounds in my ears and my wounds start to ache. This is it. The end of my journey. I've longed for this moment ever since I began and now that it's here, I don't want it. I want to finish for Jenny. And Katherine. But that's not going to happen. I feel my body being lifted up, then flung over the edge. That's the last thing I feel. I don't want to feel anymore. I let them down. And nothing can take away that pain. Remember all that stuff I said about free falling? It's not half as bad when you're not going to land. I'll just be falling. Forever. Alone.
I bolt awake, sweat pouring off of me.
"Are you ok honey?" a concerned voice asks. I turn and see Jenny sitting on the other side of a bed, doing her hair. "I was just about to wake you up for Katherine's big game. It's today you know!" What is happening. I shake my head to try to remember what is real and what isn't. Then it hits me. It was a dream. It was all a dream. My whole adventure underground. My family leaving me. My death. I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Yeah. I'm ok. Let me just take a shower really quick." I finally respond. Peeling off my sweat-stained clothes, I stumble to the bathroom. Standing outside the door, I hear a drip-drip-drip. Not this time. With the shower over, I head to the kitchen for some grub. Grabbing the box of Lucky Charms, I open the fridge and take out the milk. An open newspaper sits on the counter, so I read it as I pour a bowl of the precious cereal. A certain ad catches my eye. "Adventurous Types Wanted! Fame and Fortune Await! Inquire Within."
