Welcome To The Carnival

Journal Entry 236

They drugged me again today.

I think they do it for fun now... They may be rich idiots but even an idiot knows when someone or rather something has been beaten. When their soul has been war-torn and their innocence collateral damage. When all they are left with are ears eternally ringing from gunshots and nights filled with the images of dying loved ones screaming out for you as you keep running.

I'm done running. I can't. There is nowhere left for me to go.

And yet I spend my days in a mindless fog. I complete my tasks and it doesn't bother me when Lady Timalda asks me what it's like to be half fish. I serve Master Greggory his midmorning tea and it doesn't bother me when he remarks on the nonexistent "fishy smell" whenever I enter the room. I barely even remember the way Lord Timmothy's dry scaly hands snake their way up my skirts. The way those hands grab my neck and drag me to the barn. I barely even remember the way he leaves me lying there in the hay after he's finished. I barely even remember the way his hot breath felt against my ear as he called me a "trout slut".

No, I don't remember it at all...

Now what I remember? What I remember is when the drugs wear off. The pain that settles in my hips. Transforming them from a part of a young budding woman's body to that of a spent mare. It trails down my legs and echoes throughout my body. Today he almost caught me going to my room in the servant's hall. I made my stiff body run as his footsteps quickened around the corner. Thank Poseidon I was able to close my door and push my bed against it as he rattled the handle. He paced in front of my door for an eternity until he slammed against it like a giant child. It was odd today. The banging stopped so suddenly and he just walked away. It scared me. I fell asleep in the corner as I was watching the door.

Baldrik woke me when he crawled through my window. I'll tell you what. That man does not lack commitment. That window is tiny. I guess love makes you do crazy things. Like squeezing your body through the world's tiniest window just to bring your lover some paper and pen. Everyday. Can't miss an entry now, can we?

He never fails to make me feel better. Our little time together is the only time I feel safe. He is such a warrior, I don't know what I did to deserve him. He has stuck by me through everything. Even when I refuse to let him touch me. Last week I made him sit across the room from me. That's when I finally told him what Lord Timmothy does to me, he cried for me.

He cried for me.

When I told my brother...well I'm sure you remember that entry... He disowned me. Renounced me as his blood for being a "breed mixing whore". Baldrik held me as I mourned that night. He didn't try to fix it, he didn't try to make me feel better. He just held me and stayed with me in my sadness.

Just like he does now.

Right now he's reminiscing about when we first met. Right before everything went to shit. He thinks me silly for writing what is currently happening.

I have kindly reminded him that one day our children and our children's children will read these entries and will enjoy learning about their lineage. On that note, hello my little taddies! Your father is completely bonkers and I am always right!

Anyways, we met in my pool. Growing up with eleven siblings grew tiresome from time to time and I would go exploring in the caves of our lands. One warm day I decided to test myself and see how far down I could swim in The King's Abyss. We called it Rex in abyssum irent. Any human who dared even try and hurt or capture a merperson would be drowned here. Their bodies sinking to the impossible depths of the abyss.

Your father says my people were morbid. I have kindly reminded him that we are a peaceful people until provoked. Then you run. Remember that dearies. Always strive for peace but never lose your warrior spirit.