I think this was my first love so, my first love passed away more than a month ago believing that he was gone was hard at first but know it's hard not to think that, it's too hard to remember that he's always with us and that wants the best for everyone however it easy to think about how leaving us was selfish of him even though it wasn't he was just in pain so much overwhelming and unbearable pain that not anyone could take away. Something else that is easy to think about is that no one was worth staying around for, not his family, not Sadie not Chloe his family or myself and I know how selfish that sounds but I just felt as though he did have enough to stay around for so I never thought it would happen, no matter what he said. He once said to me I could come to him he said pretend like I'm a supportive friend but I didn't have to pretend, he was a supportive friend, that everyone loved. He was a big picture in anyone's life who knew him he was an incredible guy that everyone was amused by and so many people loved him not only Sadie or Chloe or Cheyenne or Summer but other girls and so many boys they looked at him as their leader supposedly no matter how fucking gay that sounds. He was good looking and the only guy in our grade that understood how a girl wants to be treated he was the only good one and I will believe that till I meet someone more suited for me than him, so I will believe that forever because there won't be anyone. However, he treated Chloe he was always so good to me better than anyone ever has been. He respected me and that whole thing I wish I believed him I wish I did and it's my biggest regret not believing him because he was one of the few people I trusted and I don't know why I didn't in this situation. I love him I do even when I hate him even when he's dead and the same for so many people. He taught me how to love and for that, I'm forever grateful he was truly incredible. I know we all constantly have him on our minds. Sadie is stronger than me, much stronger she has been my rock through all this cause she understands who he was for me. She was who he depended on she was the one who kept him here for much longer and we all owe her a debt of gratitude because she gave her the time with him she gave me the time to ease she gave him and us all so much but it's hard for everyone to see that because they're all blind and to a degree selfish. He loved Cheyenne he loved her so so much and in this time of pain, most forgot to check in with her. I caught up with her once but that's not enough she has a heart of gold and they did half deserve each other they weren't right for each other but he did love her and so he should and we should all love her more. My dad believes Jack and Charlie are just lessons but there not they were lives loved by many and still are and I'm one of them I still love Charlie and when I think about it I don't think drugs and alcohol I think of the things he told me and what he said to me and the stuff I knew about like what makes him cry, the way he thought of me, the way I trusted him and the way I could depend on him the time he helped me get up after from falling over, the way he spoke, the way he loved to talk, the way he spoke about his footy, the way he spoke about me and just everything he is I loved the good, the bad the ugly, the pretty, the funny the sad, I loved it all. He consumed me with love. I love him still and I won't stop not now not ever not even when I go. He was the greatest person I knew and I still know because I still know him and still love him that doesn't stop when someone dies you don't stop knowing them you don't stop loving them you just start to miss them. He was the first boy I cried over and I'm not referring to his death but when we broke up no guy has ever made me feel so special and sad at the same time. He made me feel so incredibly important and he gave me purpose, he gave me worth although that's how I feel. He was the reason I was living, he was the reason why I wanted to. Now that he's not here I feel worthless pointless and pain, the way the love consumed me was the way this has consumed me I feel lost and broken. Really broken. I know the pain much be must more intense for so so many more people but just can't handle it I still don't know how to. He taught me things about myself like what I want and need and unfortunately he is one of them I need him more than anything else, because in life we depend on those we love, love, those we trust and those who can make us smile in the worsts of times and for me and a lot of other people he was just that. One of his greatest qualities was how non-judgemental he was, he would never judge me that's what one of the things I miss most about him the way he could look past those things and see who you are, the best you. I really just miss all those things that are so irreplaceable and when someone dies you really do just realize how irreplaceable those things are. One of his greatest features was his smile, his smile lit up my heart, it was one of those smiles that could make the world smile. He made my whole world smile. I had never felt these things before he walked into my life and he was a gift given by God because he taught me love. The love that I want the love that was not only a want but a need. I need him and it really sucks how long I have to wait before I get him back, before I get to have him hold me, hug me and talk to me and how long I have to wait before he gets to make me smile again. I miss him in every way possible, a massive gap consists in my life and I know that so many are the same, I know this pain this hole exists in so many other peoples lives and he is the only thing that could take it away. This was something you could never prepare yourself for, no way to prepare yourself for the impact that was going to hit. Charlie, I miss you, I love you and I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you like you were me.
