Almost in my League

Now

Sitting across the room, I could see his smile as he listens attentively to a conversation about basketball. I know he's bored and he's not really enjoying how the conversation is going. That sly smile, it took my heart by storm - a lot has changed in just 5 months. A year ago, I never thought that we'd actually be like this, barely even speaking to each other - always a seat apart, and he doesn't even care how I am, or what's on my mind... Let me quote T. Swift's song "everything has changed". I couldn't help but wonder, where has all his promises gone to? Maybe he just felt saying it that moment, and it really didn't matter right now. Maybe he forgot everything he said, because he was mad at me, wait, mad would be an understatement - FURIOUS would probably be the right term. I'm sitting right across him right now, but his eyes never went my way, it was like I'm a ghost - completely unseen. I'm starting to get used to this "ghost" thing already.  But at that moment, while I was looking at him; it hit me like a tidal wave crashing through the shore - I missed this man right here, I miss his company, I long for his company... The saddest part? He probably didn't miss me a tiny bit, not at all. How did we get into this big mess? Let's say, it was my series of unfortunate stupid "decisions"... Yeah, yeah, you'd probably say it was all my fault then why the heck am I even complaining? I'm not complaining at all, I'm suffering the consequences of my not so clean thought out plan. One can call me stupid and plainly pathetic, and all the adjectives that could well connote to this - I no longer care. All I care about now? Is that he'd see me beyond what his eyes could only see, see the real me and accept that I am flawed and I do hurt people, and I did hurt him; but I never meant to. HEY YOU! I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY... Aubrey, I'm really sorry...

Yeah, you're probably thinking am I talking about a girl? No! It just so happens he has a girl's name, but in no way is he a girl... WAIT! Let me retract that, at times he can be a bit girly, dare I say... OOOOPPS!!! There goes my insensitive self, yet again (insert emoji slapping the forehead).

I hated it when he's mad at me. It's like I wanted to melt right at that moment, or maybe the ground will just open up and swallow me whole!!! OH HOW CAN THE GODS BE NOT IN MY FAVOR?!?! Oh self, why can't I simply shut my big mouth and keep my insensitive thoughts all to myself... But then again, it wouldn't be me if I didn't speak up my mind. There goes my thoughts wandering about... The whole night, our eyes met only twice, and he completely ignored me. Get used to it Joana!!! Get used to him not giving a damn about you... Toughen up your weak heart, you've been through the worst, you're gonna get through this too - my forever mantra to myself lately.

He arrived here a month ago... Prior to that, he hasn't talked to me for about 4 months, he even blocked me on messenger - so that I could simply get the whole idea. I surely did, but probably in denial... I think I am allowed to go through the grieving process. Yes I AM STILL IN DENIAL. YES I KNOW I AM DUMB... a friend if mine told me how can I be so smart about everything else and be the dumbest person when it comes to love. I felt that, I also asked myself that - and up to now, I really don't know the answer still.

I am just actually waiting for that day when I wake up, I've completely forgotten how my heart had loved him in the deepest, purest possible way. I was sure to my core that I am the only woman, aside from his mother and female family members, that has loved him like this. If there was one thing I was proud of, it was that I loved him despite all his flawed self. He always told me that he's a complete asshole, that he can't be trusted when it comes to relationships - and all these he proved to me for the past month. I told him before that no matter what kind of monster he has become, I'd always be here for him. Upon discovering and proving all that he told me before, and remembering the words I said, I couldn't possibly just leave him like this. I always stick to my word, even if he doesn't stick to his. I always wanted to tell him that I still love him despite the monster he has become.

I don't know what's wrong with me? Maybe I like broken things, and fixing them. But not really, because I too am broken and slowly fixing myself in the pacing I know. But he doesn't need any fixing, he just needs to be loved hard. I'm actually loving him hard,  but seems like he doesn't want it. So where does this story go from here? I really don't know! But wouldn't it be nice to reminisce? I love reminiscing, but it's not really healthy, because the feelings come back stronger. But for the sake of this story, let me take you down memory lane...