A Normal Day

     Another day she woke up looking out at the overcast through a steamed window... again wondering what she would see that by day's end, she wished she hadn't. Perhaps the mist over the glass was how she wanted to view things every day: veiled. She heard some refer to it as a gift, but many more claim a curse. She didn't know how it began or when, but her eyes and ears and emotions perceived things no one else could. She lived every day in raw, deep and intense emotion, which she hid best she could. Trapped in her own madness, she almost longed for insanity to be the answer; any answer was welcomed, as long as it was an answer.

     "Jessica Ann," she convincingly said to herself in the mirror, "it's going to be a normal day."

     She knew that voice inside her head. It was unlike the others. This one was hers. What she felt and wanted was different from what she was sensing and living. Like a good poker player before the deal, she put on the "game face". Was it for herself? For others? Jessica worked every day at making herself and others believe she was someone she wasn't...all with hope one day she would be.

     No one knew Jessica struggled with the strange voices, the tense emotions, the dark visions. How could Jessica explain something that wasn't tangible; something that she didn't even know what, why or how, herself? The tears were buried by the pain, the pain was concealed by the cutting, and the cutting was covered up by clothing. Shrouding who she was seemed to be the most difficult task of all.

     A camouflaged heart brought a phony smile for two of her friends who planned on hanging out at the mall that day. Jessica played the role of a free-spirit, but ached to truly feel free. Looking on others with envy, resentment grew inside her like an infestation. She considered daily life a tug-of-war between mind and spirit. At thirteen years old, she was becoming drained and void of innocence.

     It was newly Spring, and a long winter made it months since Jessica and her two friends walked to the mall on their own. As the sun peeked down on them through the clouds, the three talked of boys they liked, classmates they didn't like, teachers they hated, and music they loved.

     "Hey- look," One friend announced, veering her attention off the sidewalk to a mangy grassy lot.

     The girls observed a set of homes they were about to pass, which were dingily vacant. The three small houses looked eerily abandoned. Directly across from the mall, they had never noticed the homes before. The sight was quite out-of-place for the area, but the land was being built on by a construction company. Signs posted explained a demolition date and upcoming commercial property. Jessica's friends were hoping for a movie theatre and went on about what the town needed. Jessica could only think of who once inhabited the mysterious walls that echoed memories and desolation.

     "Let's go inside," a curious Jessica initiated.

     As the girls innocently went into the first home, the odor was quite palpable. A mix of mold and pine filled their nose while dust gently entered their lungs. Little was left behind, but lingering garbage and broken furniture made the space look ransacked. The teens toured the ruins for inquisitive treasures. Other than old beer cans and broken glass, there wasn't much of a find... That is, until Jessica went into a tiny bedroom. The thick, dirty maroon curtains were now covers for dust webs, and the cracks in the bare, wooden floors were a spider's nook. Age wasn't a factor, but circumstance. Along the floor laid at least a hundred off-white pages of written words- a journal of some sorts, torn page by page. It was as if a gust of animosity spewed in. It looked manic. Jessica knelt down and picked up a page. By the penmanship, she deduced it was a female's writing:

March 5, 2017

How can I continue like this?! No- I scream! I scream inside. I scream to get them to stop but they don't. I hate my life. I hate it. I hate everyone in it because if I were to love, I would be sad. I would rather hate than be sad.