I stood outside my house, noticing the clouds building above me. Small droplets of water begin to hit my face, as I pulled my jacket out of my backpack. I heard the sound of my boyfriends car approaching, the sound of his muffler interrupting the quiet of my neighbourhood. I brushed my hair back and plaster a smile on my face. He pulled up and opened the passenger door for me, the slight smirk on his face making me feel slightly uncomfortable. I force an even bigger smile and slide into the seat, pulling my seat belt on.
"Hey babe, ready to go?" Sean asked, raising his eyebrow.
I nodded, leaning back in my chair. He revved his engine before letting his foot off the brake and pulling away from my house. He talked at me, not to me. Not letting me to get a word in, telling me about the last stunt him and his friends had just pulled. I zoned out, staring up at the stormy sky above us.
"Where are we going?" I interrupted, not really caring about whatever he was talking about. I was hoping where we were going wasn't anything super romantic or cheesy. Our dates were always "romantic and cheesy", the typical guy takes girl to expensive restaurant he can't afford and never takes her on a date again.
"It's a surprise..." He winked at me, making me internally cringe.
I don't know how I got to this feeling, not even a month ago, I was head over heels in love with this guy, and now I can't even stand being alone in a car with him.
"So how was your week?" I asked, hoping to distract him enough to get the location of where we're going out of him.
"Pretty good, my buddies and I went to the cliffs almost every day. I missed you though." He smiled, this was one of the moments when his sweetness shone through his arrogance. The cliffs were this place on the edge of town where you could jump into the ocean, most teens our age went there every so often and hung out.
"Aw, sorry I couldn't hang out, Ella wasn't in a very good place mentally and I needed to be there for her." I looked down at my hands, picking at the edge of my thumbnail.
"Ever since she's gotten depression this month, all she ever does is call on you and get you to come over. I think you need a break from her." Sean stared passively at the road, this was a sensitive topic for both of us.
"She didn't just 'get' depression,. She's lived with it since she was ten, this is her life, she's like a sister to me and if she needs me, I'm going to be there for her." I let out a deep breath, trying to let out some of the tension that I now held in my body.
"If she's had it since she was ten, you'd think she'd know how to deal with it." He grumbled, this made my blood boil. Without realizing it, I had clenched my hand so hard that I left nail marks.
I've known Ella since Grade 1, we met when she was eating a pack of Welch's and I asked for one. From that moment on, we've been best friends, we've been like sisters. When her brother ran away and didn't come back when she was ten, things changed for her. She had days where she just couldn't handle seeing people or couldn't leave her room, because it hurt her too much. She had better ways of coping with her depression, and so she was feeling better most days, but it was something she would always struggle with.
"What are you even talking about? Do you even hear yourself? I can't actually believe you just said that, you know what she goes through, I've talked to you so many times about how hard it is for her some days, you are friends with her, you'd think you'd understand!" I almost screamed, wanting to rip my hair out of my head from my roots.
"You know what, let's talk about something else..." He said, the aggression clear in his voice.
I rolled my eyes, I wanted to claw his eyes out, "no, you started this, so we ARE going to finish this conversation!"
He let out an exasperated sigh, his thumbs drumming on the steering wheel impatiently. "Why? I don't see the point..."
"Because you need to understand that people in everyday life go through this shit, and it's not something to take lightly. You pass at least one person a day who is going through depression, you just don't realize because they have a smile on their face, trying to make other people think they are okay. You have to understand that it's not as simple as putting their depression on hold and just smiling and being cheerful." I paused to take a breath, there was no point in continuing this fight when he just didn't get it.
"When you are depressed, forcing happiness makes it worse. You need to understand that people go through things differently and it's not as simple as just getting over it." I slam my fist in the seat, trying to let out some of my anger.
"Okay, I get it!" Sean shoulder checked before pulling over and slowing to a stop, turning the car off.
"No, I really don't think you do!" I stared at him, sending lasers through his eyes.
"I get it, okay. I understand that it's a mental illness, I understand that it's not simple, and I want to be there for you and Ella but you have to explain to me how to be there for you. It seems easy to me, to just push a smile on your face and to get out of bed and get on with your life!"
I looked away, feeling my tense body wanting to lash out in every way I could. I tried to breathe, but all it did was make the feeling of anger worse. I looked at him and shook my head before thinking of how I felt every time we had this conversation. We had it too often, and it always ended the same, an angry couple. Although my feelings before were bound to go away, these conversations weren't. It made no sense to continue this relationship when neither of us could agree on something that was highly important in my life.
"It's not as simple as that, Ella gets up every morning with this feeling of dread, this nagging feeling, I help her because if I'm not around her, who knows what'll happen, what decision she'll make in this different headspace. Ella is this happy-go-lucky person who loves being happy, loves smiling, loves people, and she can't do that anymore. She can't just smile and be like this is a great day, there's always something that will be nagging at her thoughts, even on the days where her depression isn't effecting her as much." I took a deep breath before slowly letting it out.
"Okay, see I don't get that!"
"BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTEN! Ella and I have tried explaining it to you millions of times, we try and explain that it's not simple, everyone deals with it differently and you come out of the argument with the same mindset every time! You always just say, just be happy, just go for a walk, just get out of bed and do something and you'll be happy!" I stared at him, before whispering,
"I don't think I can keep having this fight with you... I think we should break up."
His head shoots up, his eyes wide in shock. "But... why?"
"Because we always have the same fight, and you just don't understand, Ella is a big part of my life and you basically want me to drop her when she needs me most! You see what she goes through and you don't even attempt to see it from her point of view, to feel what she's feeling. If you did that, maybe then you'd understand! "
"I never told you to stop being her friend!"
"You never needed to, we fight about this every two weeks and you don't get it! I need to date someone who understands life isn't all about just getting up and being happy, I need someone to understand that I love my best friend so much that I will be there for her every step of the way... and that's not you."
"I'm sorry you don't think so, but we are so good together, we compliment each other, we've been going out for 11 months now and I still think you're the one for me. Please don't do this, it's a huge mistake..."
"Until you understand, I can't keep doing this. Please just take me home..."
"Please think about it?" He pleaded, tears about to slip out of his eyes.
Although my original plan wasn't to break up with him, somehow it was happening. He annoyed me, something that was probably just a phase, but the fact he didn't understand what I was doing for my best friend, I couldn't just let it go.
"I don't need to..."
