There is a hole aching deep inside my chest. Everything is numb but that one aching space. So empty that it feels like something is missing. A never ending black hole that was unable to make me feel anything... anything but sadness?
Is this sadness? It doesn't feel like the regular type of sadness. Not the type where I would cry watching a sad scene in a movie. It's different. It's a type of sadness I cannot explain.
It hurts. The pain in the chest is spreading until I feel that deep ache in my bones and that tingling sensation down my legs. An uncomfortable tingle that makes me want to claw at my skin so it will go away.
I can hear the screaming deep in the back of my head. It feels like its so far away but I can hear it so clear. Like its coming from the deepest part of my mind. Locked away in the darkest corner so no one can hear or see.
I don't want people to know. I can't let them know so I put on a smile. Hiding behind the smile acting like I am okay, like I have everything together. I am fine. I want everything to be okay. It would be so much better if everything was okay. So I didn't feel like this.
I want to be happy but happiness won't come. It won't come if the black hole is still here. Be okay. You have to be okay, because if you are not okay, you will hurt others around you. No one wants to deal with this stuff and I don't want to worry anyone. They have enough to worry about.
I don't deserve to feel this way. What reason do I have to feel this way? Other people have it way worse off than me. You should be thankful and not selfish. Be strong and don't be weak. Only the weak are able to let things affect them like you do. You cannot be weak. Suck it up and carry on with your life.
But I am weak. This is why I feel this way. Weak and pathetic for feeling sorry for yourself. But yet too weak to do anything about. You feel like you don't want to be here but yet what are you doing? That's right. You are sitting there and doing nothing about it. Blaming it on that fact you don't want to hurt your family! Haha pathetic. You are pathetic. The only reason you don't do those stuff you are thinking is because you're weak. Disgusting. You want people to help you haha no you want people to feel sorry for you. You want to play victim.
That's all they're going to think if you ask them for help you know. They are not going to believe you because you have no reason to feel this way. What an embarrassment. All they are going to think is that you are an attention seeker, or that you are lazy.
No one but yourself is going to know the struggles and you have to just learn to carry and move on with that knowledge. Cry yourself to sleep because no one is coming.
I feel like, the screaming in my head is getting bigger.
