This feeling I cannot shake

this feelin i cannot shake

This feeling

Where the anxiety stems from...

I slept until my boyfriend called me and reminded me of the game

Guilty.

I rushed out the house without showering

We had an amazing time.

Grateful.

I came home and worked on cleaning and cooking for others so much and I had not given myself any self care at all

I need You, father, to fill up my cup...

I am burned out.

My head is heavy like a doll

My throat is achy like

That feeling you get right before you cry.

Empty.

I gave a short response to Ray back at 4 when I texted him saying

YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF STOP GOING OUT

When I should be takin the same exact advice

Anger.

That was my motivation.

To cook, to clean aggressively, to throw laundry in the washer.

Chopping unless like its my hobby.

Now I regret going so hard.

My body is aching.

Exhaustion.

I'm done trying to escape the impending pain...

Desperate.

Sigh...I just prayed and read the word

I feel more relaxed from just closing my eyes and allowing the holy spirit to hold me and warm me

More than violently mopping the hardwood floors...

As if they even need that much cleaning solution.

Well, at least the smell is nice.

Wafting into my nose, distracting me.

Inhaling the chemicals

Will intoxicate my worries just enough.

3 hours later.

Jesus.

He so happens to be the last resort...when HE should be my first

I love how forgiving he is

And he is ever so close

In impending mental doom, he is the cushion to my blow

Ending that phone call with Ray ended in a sting of empathetic dismal distress

Ending my prayers in amen, gives me a peaceful bliss

I cannot hold his burdens for him

The holy spirit led me to end the phone call early

The tears flowed

But God love him

God said let go

And Let God fill you up

It's crazy how a simple phone call can fill me with so much expectation,

Only for a burst of happiness for 24 minutes

Then,

Click.

Just like that, it's back to reality.

And I am facing it alone.

But I will never be alone.

This world isn't perfect

It is meant to hurt,

Materialistic don't give everlasting peace

Internal joy comes from above.

Escapism.

The antidote for introverts.

Confronting reality in the loving embrace of the Father.

He is calling me back home to Him

He is home