Through Existential Crisis and Anxiety

1.

When I was a kid, I would do anything to run away from words, terrified of their implications and the fact that there was so much that I couldn't understand. I was in first grade when I was diagnosed with a learning disability because of which I had to be put in a separate class so reading and writing weren't exactly my best friends.  

After that pretty cliche childhood with bullying and isolation. You know the works. I won't really get into all that. The important thing was that I was always looking for ways to escape into a new world, one where I could pretend that reality didn't bother me. Thankfully, I had been blessed with a wild imagination and most days, pretending that I was the queen of my own little kingdom wasn't difficult. 

Until it was.

It's easier to lose yourself in dreams when your eyes are closed, not so much when it feels like the world is scrutinizing your every move, an anxious thought that haunted my day to day life growing up. As an adult, I still find it difficult to deal with anxiety because it can be so very overwhelming. As a child, it was worse and in all my attempts to feel better, I found myself reading, something I don't think I would ever do. At first, it was picture books with maybe one or two lines to explain the scene. Then it was short stories with easy to understand words and finally, full-fledged novels. Reading became a habit I was proud of cultivating because it made me believe that I could keep on improving and not be held back by restraints that I had put on myself. 

I think I was around 14 years old when I found a book that I would absolutely fall in love with. It was my sister who bought me my first copy of Eragon, a story I devoured in the span of two days, so hooked by the world Christopher Paolini had created. Something changed in the span of starting the book and finishing it. Soon I found myself scribbling down my daydreams into the back of my school notebooks. Instead of imagining new worlds with my eyes closed, I opened my eyes and wrote down every detail. Back then, my English wasn't the best but I think I've come a long way since then. Though people from my Wattpad bookclubs would disagree because I always either miss commas and just add too many. 

When you write a story, from end to finish, putting your blood, sweat, and tears into it, sometimes, you want people to see what you've created. But being the insecure child I was, there weren't many people I could share my work with. It was then that I discovered Wattpad. Yes, people from all over the world could see every story I put up but the anonymity of the internet can be somewhat empowering. So, despite its many flaws, gathering every bit of my courage, I uploaded the very first draft of The Door In The Forest. 

In the beginning, when I didn't get the response I expected from people, I felt like a failure. I got angry at critiques, muttering to myself that the other person simply couldn't understand the point I was trying to put forth. But the thing I've learned is, for any artist, it is important to always keep learning. Criticism doesn't make us bad at our art. It gives as an avenue to look at things differently and improve. And in my journey to be a better writer, the community here at Wattpad has been very helpful. Being the introvert that I am, I don't have a lot of close friends here but I have been privileged enough to be part of some amazing communities. 

Rebel_Town is one such community. Having been part of the Jedi Book Club as well as the Rebel Book Club, even though my stay in both has been short, I've learned a lot from the people in the club. Whatever knowledge the members have, they aren't afraid to share it. Every review is written with heart and not just to get an assignment done with. 

For me, joining Wattpad has helped me improve my writing in ways I never thought I'd be able to. Unfortunately, my contribution to the community on this site has lessened over the years as other obligations caught me off guard. Growing up means taking up responsibilities that sometimes you're not ready for. And that's okay. There was a time when I would get panic attacks because I hadn't written a word for a long time. But now, I've come to understand that even if you don't write a proper chapter every day, there's nothing wrong with that. It's also important to experience different things in life and meet new people. Every encounter shapes your writing for the better. 

Looking through the eyes of a child who hated to read, I'd never think I'd ever come to the point my life where something I wrote would ever win an award. Yes, my journey is a bit bland because I've never really entered any real competitions or anything of that sort. I've just always been someone who wrote because they wanted to, delving into topics that interested me. Entering the first-ever Wattpad India Awards was not something I had planned or prepared for. It was something I did on a whim, already accepting that winning would be close to impossible. Being shortlisted was a dream come true. I still haven't accepted that I won the Popular Choice Award but I guess strange things happen every day. 

I don't know what the future holds. All I know that no matter what happens, I'll keep writing. It's just not something I can give up on. Believe me, I've tried. Whether I wrote poetry to deal with pent up emotions or created an unbelievable world on a whim, writing has always been my escape. 

It always will be.