mistakes; where did i go wrong? ∘ chaekkura

mistakes; where did i go wrong?

It was the fourth night in which Chaeyeon did not get any sleep at all.

Her whole body was begging her to rest, but her mind did not seem to give in to those desperate pleas.

Restless thoughts swarming through her head, making it hard to just close her eyes and enjoy the peaceful silence inside her room.

Perhaps, that was the problem; it was too peaceful. Too quiet.

She wanted to get out, but her body didn't allow her to. It wouldn't cooperate.

She was stuck. In her thoughts. In her messy bedroom.

When was the last time she cleaned up?
When was the last time she left that room whose smell she could not bear anymore?

Everything was just too much.

She couldn't take it anymore. Not if she didn't have her by her side.

She didn't have the strength to turn around, but she knew it was better like that.

Lying in her bed, buried in the darkness, Chaeyeon didn't need to see the empty space next to her. It would just break her heart, again.

What was the point of falling in love if the person you'd devote all your energies to would eventually leave?

Now, she was drained. She was alone.

She wished she could just stop feeling anything at all. Instead, she felt too much.

Regret. Bitterness. Disappointment. Exhaustion. Sorrow.

Where did she go wrong?

What was that made Sakura go away?

Was it when she told her she loved her?

It couldn't be, could it? She had said it back to her. Smiling. Kissing her.

Was it before that then?

Did she make a mistake when she kissed her under the light of the stars and the moon? While the sound of small waves hitting the shore was playing in the background? Was that a mistake?

She didn't think so. She still remembered it as her happiest memory. Was it different for Sakura?

Did she hate it?

The way she grinned afterward, the glistening in her eyes and the peck following didn't tell her so.

Was she wrong when she asked her out the first time?

Maybe she had been too clumsy; dragging out words, fidgeting with her hands and keeping a lowered head. She blamed it on her nerves; she was too scared.

But then again, Sakura hadn't turned her down. She had said yes. And if her memory wasn't playing tricks on her, she later told her that she had found it cute. Made her understand that she really liked her.

That couldn't be it either, could it?

Then, where did she go wrong?

She thought she was doing the right thing; Sakura always told her she was lucky to have her as a girlfriend.

Did she lie to her? She didn't believe her capable of such a thing.

Was Chaeyeon lying to herself?

She told herself she had always been careful. Always made sure they were communicating. Always asking her what she thought she should do before making a choice since she cared about her opinion. Always making time at least three times a week so that they could hang out.