The sky is blue, the grass is green, and beans are an essential part of the American identity. These are undisputable, a priori facts about our world, ones taught as early as first grade in our current curriculum. Of course, teaching these things in the first place has been argued, since they are themselves self-evident. Still, some people remain ignorant about the origins of the bean, sticking their head in the sands like ostriches desperately attempting to hide from death, taxes, and beans. This text is an introduction for those people, and delves into common misconceptions, the true origin, and the bean today.
One of the classic blunders made when talking about beans is a matter of classification. It has been written by the misinformed that beans date back to as far as 6750 BC with the use of lentils, and that chickpeas (also known as garbanzo beans, but I'm not going to pay a garbanzo to bean on my face) have been found in Egyptian tombs. What these misguided authors do not understand however is that the colloquial term "bean" refers to a very specific bean-us and species of legume, scientifically known as "theater beanter," that was discovered in the late 7th century by a man by the name of John Beanington.
As every child today is taught, John Beanington did for beans what Johnny Appleseed did for Apples, and what Columbus did for the extinction of native Americans. Cool beans, right? Well, not exactly. Beanington was exploring a relatively unknown island near the equator that is now known as Busch Island, and he stumbled upon something extremely curious. While Beanington was accustomed to the inferior "beans" of his time such as green beans, fava beans, and lima beans, the beans that he found on the trees of this island were so hot from the proximity to the equator that they were actually baking in the trees, and sweating in their seed coats. This is the first recorded instance of a baked bean, and after bravely tasting some himself, Beanington abandoned his original scouting mission in favor of collecting as many of these "baked beans" as he could, bringing them back to his home country. Once back, he couldn't wait to spill the beans, and before he knew what hit him, baked beans were sweeping the nation.
There was of course opposition from the now dying lentils industry, mainly organized and lead by Osama Bean Laden, leader of the Tali-bean. This force was eventually crushed by famous English hero, Mr. Bean, who was later knighted for his efforts by the Queen herself over a nice can of theater beanter. When the amicable split of the United States from England happened, the Americans rejected the tea of their ancestors, but accepted the beans with open mouths. In fact, Beanjamin Franklin, one of the Founding Fathers of our country, was the one who added the 11th amendment to the Bill of Rights, stating that every citizen has the unalienable right to beans, spurring centuries of bean related memories. History is of course cyclic, and those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. While this article is designed with the hope of preventing this from happening, I know that there is once more opposition within our own borders, claiming that our all too important snack is a has-bean, and should be replaced with something "healthier." If farting less is healthier, I for one do not want to be right.
Unbeanownst to many people today, 99% of the country's bean supply is actually owned by 1% of the population, which is where the phrase "eat the rich" comes from. "Bean" has worked its way into the teenage lexicon, in such phrases such as "bean me up, buttercup," "I just got beaned," and, of course, "Aw beans." While this may look like nonsense to the uninitiated, these phrases are carefully chosen by our country's youth as an open rebellion against the boomers trying to un-bean America, and a celebration of our true history. To not be included in such a momentous movement would surely lead to unhappbeaness, which is why the bean movement of the 2010's has been as large as it has bean.
In short, today's baked bean is not just a food, and is not even one concept. The bean means something different for everybody due to its long history, but it is without a doubt as embedded in American culture as racism and bacon. To those who still don't "get it," I will leave you with this: the next time that the clouds are nowhere to be found, the sun is shining, and there's a sea breeze dancing under your nostrils, find yourself a can of baked beans, and take a minute to do some research yourself. Trust me, you'll understand.
