December 10th: And there it was again, that damn smile... Why? Why was it meant to be that smile? Her smile... When those lips curves my heart gives away. When she laughs my brain goes off to the sound of that sweet lullaby that made me miss her every single day. It's absurd and oddly cheesy thinking of how she gives me butterflies and makes my heart race so easily. It's becoming almost annoying how she makes me feel.
Why... Why me, a girl, had to feel this way about another girl? I wish she never smiled. It's selfish wishing for a person to stop smiling, only because that smile prevents you from sleeping. It's selfish because you can't lie any further to yourself: you love her and this makes you feel confused about who you always taught to be. I was finally over my "phase" in which life couldn't be any more confusing and, honestly? Even painful. It hurt, I'm not lying anymore to myself: I tried hard to take it at ease, to try understanding things without panicking but I was indeed frightened by the truth. How could I ever speak about this to my mother? I tried to understand if she would have accepted me or not. How if life wasn't hard enough, I had even to fight not only against myself but also the possibility of being hated by my mother. I never spoke, not until I was certain that I was the way I am still today: I accepted the fact that I like both boys and girls. I'm glad and lowkey proud to tell that when I told my mother about my sexuality she immediately accepted me and, now not so surprisingly, she told me that she knew from the end of this summer (when I started asking her about how she felt about the lgbtq+ community). I genuinely taught that this was only a phase. I hadn't felt like this for a girl in a very long time, for about two months or so I didn't feel attracted to girls like I was before. I know it sounds exactly like the typical stereotype of bisexuality but oh dear if I was wrong. I won't lie, it made me feel both terrible and relieved to know, or at least think, that it was just a phase. How could you blame me? From one hand it was liberating feeling like the normal girl I'm supposed to be and, frankly, it was easier to "feel" straight. Fewer worries, less paranoia but that wasn't the only part. Indeed, on the other hand, I felt terrible because I thought I lied to myself and not only but even to my mother. I thought it wasn't fair at all, but mostly I was desperate to know how did I happen from liking girls all of sudden to not like them at all? Why? I let it slid too easily, I underestimated my feelings and here I am now, overwhelmed by these old feelings... By her. It's been two quiet months, without too many worries but now I'm in the eye of the storm and I'm taken aback from what I've been avoiding for too long: It's time to face that question and answer sincerely that I, indeed, feel attraction to also girls. Now I'm more certain than ever to be bisexual because she made me fall. Because what I feel is what I've never felt, this is love.
I try to play it cool, laughing along with my friends, trying hard to not look at her but, honestly, I'd just want a chance to hold her hand... I'm oppressing the urge to be alone with her, to see and feel how it would be like being alone, just the two of us. I wouldn't dare to speak, I wouldn't need to say a word at all, it would be enough for me to look in her eyes and looking at her beautiful smile. When we're with our friends, waiting for our buses, I act like nothing is bothering me. I talk and act casually, as I always do, but I'm concentrating on her, and again I hope to hold her close, to feel love... I've never felt like this. Love is an abstract concept to me, I even have a problem showing it and when I think I'm demonstrating that feeling, I'm always wrong. I don't understand and mostly it's completely not natural to me doing certain things people do to prove or show love. Hell, it doesn't come naturally to me to even just saying "I love you"; I feel even awkward and slightly uncomfortable with this whole aspect of life... I mean, it's a human basic standard way to feel but I don't feel like this, I feel extremely bitter in showing love with my body - like kissing or giving hugs - and I've always been like this... Then, I must be deeply damaged but I never felt like it was an issue or that I was socially perceptive as wrong. How can I be damaged when I've never been hurt? Please... Someone tell me that I'm not wrong, that I'm not broken because of my whole life tells and proves how I had never lived "normally". If I'm actually broken, then she might be my only cure. When I'm with her all I want is screaming "I love you" till my lungs are out of air. She is who makes me go crazy and change my whole feelings. If I believed to know myself then I certainly did not; I never thought I could feel this way but she changed everything. I'm lucky enough that I can hide remarkably my emotions, it's almost like I've been trained to do this my whole life; in this period no one even suspected a thing, that's for the best.
The worst part is when she has to go. I can't hug her, I can't walk her to her bus, I can't do absolutely anything but I feel so good, upon the clouds, on my way home when I fantasize about her. I can't tell her anything but seeing her makes me feel greatly happy. It feels so valid to hurt. Now, this day is ended, I can't wait to see her tomorrow at the bus station.
YOU ARE READING
Those lovely brown eyes
RomanceIn her teenage, Layla finds herself in an upcoming storm which came without a warning. The name of the storm was Evelyn and she was the most beautiful mistake Layla would have ever made.
