As I sit back here, contemplating what to type, what to say, what to feel? My fingers touch the keyboard trembling. Wondering how I will be able to express my feelings, thoughts, and my life on these blank sheets of paper. If your reading this, I ask you to not only to hear my story but to truly listen and grasp my day to day life. Growing up in Germany this beautiful country of mine, was a breeze. I was surrounded by family, friends, my culture, my people, all the way down to the food. Germany holds a dear place in my heart. I knew that life would come to an end. We would be heading to the United States and soon my life will change forever.
July 2014
" The move"
The week my family left Germany, my mother decided to send my sister (Shaznay) and I to my grandmothers on my father's side while my brother (Shaquille) and my mother unpacked in our new home in El Paso TX. At first, we felt iffy as we werent close to my father's side of the family. They currently reside in Philadelphia so you can guess where our next stop will be. As we arrived in Philadelphia, we were welcomed into warms arms of family members I couldn't even remember. Showered with love my sister and I returned the feelings as we drove to our father's childhood home. As we drove through Philadelphia, we truly saw how our father grew up. We were finally able to understand from an adult perspective what our father had to go through. As we pulled into our new home for a month, we were happily approached by our cousins. With more showering of love, they offered to take in our luggage and show us our rooms. As days went by, we soon realized our grandmothers living conditions nowhere near ideally matched how we were raised. In result my sister and I sadly took the approach of "crying wolf" to get our mother to bring us back home sooner. After a while, mother decided to no longer believe our false cries for help. More days went by just my sister and I. Out of boredom we decided one day to walk down the street together and go visit our cousins we thought, we have family here that know the area why don't we spend our time with them. As we made our way to their home, the consistent harassment began. The calling, the whistles, we were followed, bothered, grabbed, spoken to when not wanted, and more things that are beneath me. While this happened, my sister didn't notice I was scared, the constant lurking made me uncomfortable. Upon arriving to my family's home, I felt safe and content. We were immediately greeted by my older cousin; my grandmother was downstairs also. My sister and I began to chat up a storm with my grandmother laughing about old times with our father. My cousin soon interrupted and asked my sister if we would like use the internet. Excitedly we jumped up and said "yes!" He proceeded to ask us to come up stairs so he could retrieve us his laptop. Of course, its internet, we followed! As I reached for his laptop, he quickly grabbed it and handed it to my sister. She of course grabbed it and made no hesitation to log into her Facebook. Patiently.... I waited while my sister surfed the web. Cousin asks, "Nesh help me load somethings into Nana's car." I agreed, he led me out the room into his parents' room, at first, I was confused. "Where are the items?" I ask myself. As he led me into the room first, Cousin slowly closed the door behind him.....click. The door is locked. I inched closely to the window clenching my fists while grasping my heart. I was ready for the worst. He sat on the bed closely to where I was standing. He paused, looked up at me, and smirked as if he knew exactly what he was going to do. Shaking I looked him in the eye and asked where the items are. He quickly changed the subject and complimented me on how much i've grown up. How beautiful I am, and if anyone where to bother or hurt me he'd be there to rescue me. He asked me to come here while patting his lap. I stared back in disbelief that my cousin is asking me to do such a thing. He leaned in closer and grabbed me to sit on his lap, as I sat there numb, unable to move, unable to breath. He faced me towards the mirror and let me know how beautiful I am. He asked me to look at myself in the mirror on his lap while he rubbed my thighs and spoke to me. I quickly grab my chest for air but I couldn't find it. This is the moment; this is where I thought I lost it all. My most important instinct.... my sense of survival. As tears rolled down my cheek, I prayed to god he finds a way I make it through, while I prepared myself to be raped by my cousin. I was 15, he was 23..... I close my eyes I take a deep breath and I hear "Reneshia I'm done with the computer." I immediately snap out of my deep trance and yell to my sister to bring me the laptop please. He instantly let's go of me and throws me off his lap, as my sister reaches the door, she tries to open it. Its locked. She asks why its locked and asks me or someone to open it. She asked twice. Finally unlocking the door there is my sister standing with the laptop with confusion on her face. As I looked into her eyes, she saw complete distress in mine, being 13 my sister was still able to understand something wasn't right. As we walked back to the room together, I wiped my tears and I thanked god under my breath. He saved me once again. She handed me the computer, I looked at her and handed it back. I know longer had the appetite to check social media. My sister and I went to our grandmother and asked to go back to her home. She kindly agreed. We had a quiet ride home. A day past by and Istill wasn't speaking, my mother decided to call and ask how we were. Of course, I told her the usual that I wanted to leave, I expressed to her something happened and I really need to go. She proceeded to ask me what the situation was I paused..... I couldn't tell my mother who thinks I'm a pathological liar that my own cousin tried to rape me. The thought of her not believing me would crush me. But my sister beat me to it, little did I know my sister observed more closely tome than I thought. She informed my mother something wasn't right about that day but couldn't tell her exactly what happened. The next day my mother came up with a promising excuse and removed us from our grandmothers' home. I never spoke to anyone in my life about what happened behind that closed door. Even though I am here today typing this I still haven't come to a realization I was sexual assaulted by someone who is supposed to love and protect me. My family has agreed without my consent to not inform anyone on what happened and forget it ever happened. As I sit here crying typing this now in 2019, still unable to find closure. I don't know if I can ever be happy again. So, if your reading this congratulations you're the first person to know my story.... well only a small part.
