Reflection

Dear Diary ...

08/06/2020

There are nights I arouse in a cold sweat to recall the sea storms we have experienced, aching for friends lost to the waves. Right now I would grant anything to spark, for this storm to be just a recreation of my synapses, another lesson from my subconscious. But there is no rousing from this nightmare. I can sense the taunting aroma of the acrid air, something that never happens when I dream; I feel the icy sting of the gale and my heart is pumping several times faster than it ought to. Should I see tomorrow, it will summon a more ghastly vision, if not it will be my mask that besieges my comrades' night dreads.

We have feelings that are not visible, we do things to prevent ourselves from being miserable. Being honest is what makes us believable, for our feelings may not always be reachable.

There are days I wonder if my mind is a weapon or an instrument. Am I the master of what I think or are my concepts the result of deep thinking I'm only loosely aware of? There is a third possibility of course, that it is both, and it depends on my feelings at the time. I feel most clear thinking and in control when I am calm and happy, more driven by impulses when I am fearful and anxious. So I made a vow never to make choices that matter when I am feeling nervous, perhaps then my life can make a turn for the better. I'm sure I won't always make the right choices, but if only the balance of good to bad shifts in my favour the results will be well...not bad i guess.

There was a time in my life I expressed my feelings in a true way, but we can't go on like that, right?  Alone, crying on my own, lost... But there is a balance, a point of virtue, that I passed so long ago. Every negative emotion is buried before I can even feel it, making me quiet and weak. Everyone loves me for my smile and twenty-four-seven happy personality, meanwhile every other feeling is crammed into my chest. Problem is, that space is getting so full, so much harder to ignore, and the disparity between my outgoing personality and inner pain is so difficult to bare. I wish I'd learnt to get these emotions out instead of bottling them up; there is no "healthy release" when the internal pressure is this high. How do I defuse this bomb without triggering the damage I seek to avoid?

Bottling up pain and emotions led me to lose precious people in my life... having no release... I wish I could go back, but deep down I know i won't be able to do anything better. Just the same or worse...

Feelings are like temperatures. Attraction is warm, Curiosity is warmer, Anger is boiling. Hate can torch, but it can also freeze. Love... Well, that's a temperature best left under neutral.

I tried to forget. Leave the past behind. But I couldn't ...
Everything just hits me, not the bad but the good because that's what hurts the most right? The memories of us together, happy, how we used to be, but it's all torn away and reality strikes in the form of warm tears spilling down my cheeks, the waves of regret hitting me like a rock, eroded by the sea because I can't go back, hope is all I have left.

Every song... every moment with you ...brings back tears which I can never shed enough... waking up in the middle of the night... feeling the loss which is tearing me inside, then slowly unnerved I go through the heartache to listen to it. I can't help it. But I listen to them just to relive those memories and hopefully wash away the pain...

I hate the change, now, a different me... I don't even feel real. I'm just a shadow made of memories and regrets. And deep down I don't know why.

The times I hurt you, for the times I lied to you, and for every other reason, deep down it hurts you, thinking about it makes you angry and even more hurt. I know my apologies don't mean anything to you, but aside from that, all I can do is promise to try to be better in the future... if there is a future.

I love you.

These days the word sorry is so meaningless and overused. Saying sorry doesn't fix the heartbreak ... I have caused, the added fear and worry to someone.

Sorry is just a word

I hope not to use...

"People say that bad memories cause the most pain, but actually it's the good ones that drive you insane."

"Life brings tears, smiles, and memories. The tears dry, the smiles fade, but the memories last forever."

We may have not spoken since a long time
But nothing can steal the memories,
Away from you and me. I miss you, my friend.
Life tore us apart, but no matter where I am
Or what I'm doing, There's always
A place in my heart... Just for You.

I'm still very hopeful... i miss you ❤

yyaahhh!                                                                                                                                                                                   LOL! lemme jus laugh away yh