Dear Lion,
I remember that night like I remember my own name. I got home from school, and as quietly as I could, I walked up the stairs and softly closed my door so I wouldn't wake up my mum. I pulled my earbuds out of my backpack and plugged them into my phone, turning my music up so loud I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything, just the way I like it. On my laptop, I scrolled through my dash on Tumblr, only stopping once to click on your profile, AmazingPhil. I had kindof an unhealthy obsession with you, to be honest. I switched from Tumblr to Twitter, favoriting 90% of your tweets. I retweeted a lot of them, and I replied to a whole lot more, but I didn't expect to get an answer. Who would answer me?
Five minutes, I promised myself. If Phil doesn't respond in five minutes, I'm giving up. I sat on my bed, refreshing Twitter every five seconds, waiting for a reply from my idol, but it never came. After five minutes passed, I sighed and stood up, heading out into the hall, into the bathroom. Tuesdays are the only nights I got to be alone. My mom gets home early from work and goes to sleep on Tuesdays, leaving a quiet house to me. I slid open the drawer under the sink and pulled out my blade from under my straightener, moving to sit on the toilet. I rolled my sleeve up, trying not to look at my arms and scars, and... well, you know what I did. I wrapped up my arm and went to sleep.
The next morning I picked up my phone and saw a Twitter notification with your name on it, and I squealed like a little girl. I realized that my tweet hadnt posted until 10:27 at night, 7 minutes after my deadline. You even followed me.
You know, Phil, the longer I think about it, the funnier it gets. That night you noticed me. Exactly one year after that, we were sat on a bench in some park near our flat when you looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me. "Forever and Always," you said. Were you just kidding?
I feel like we're breaking down. We almost never speak, other than to ask if there's any cereal left. I don't feel welcome in our flat. Lion, what happened? Please tell me, because one second it was perfect but five minutes ago you walked out the door.
Was I out of line? Did I say something too honest and scared you off? When I looked in your eyes that night on the park bench, I thought I knew you for a minute. Now I definetly do not.
So what about us? Everything came coming down to nothing. And the silence? That cuts me to the core, Lion. Where are we going? I don't know anymore. I'm staring at my phone as I write this, but you haven't called me since you stormed out. I feel so alone... I can't feel anything at all, like when I listen to my music. I'm getting flashbacks to when you said forever and always. I don't think you meant it.
Back up, baby... please back up. Did you forget everything? Did you forget the night on the bench? The 6 Christmasses we've had together? The time we had in Vegas?
How do you forget a wedding, Lion?
It rains in our bedroom, Phil. Everything is so fucked up now, I don't know what will happen when you get home. It rained when you were here, but it's still raining now that you're gone. I remember when we said forever and always, in front of God and everybody.
You must've had your fingers crossed.
I'm leaving, Lion. The legal papers are on the counter.
Love, Bear
