Sunlight still obscured by night filtered through my bedroom window. I could feel it vividly even though my eyes were still shut as if to fall back in dream.
My hand pressed snooze every nine minutes, but it felt like every time my head smacked down, cheeks first, the endless beeping reemerged.
I allowed four before footsteps signaled that someone else would try and steal the satisfaction of preparing me for my first day away from the only town I knew.
I pulled a cracked wood brush through my hair and slid to the door where my mother stood, open-eyed with a hand against her pajama pant.
"Darling-"
"I've been up, Ma. Bags are packed. Just gotta make myself presentable."
She ran her long fingers through my tangles and sighed, "the bow-"
"Will be in my hair as soon as I get downstairs, Ma."
"I guess you are pretty grown now. I'll go put on the oats, seeing as you're nearly ready. See you downstairs."
I rushed to my vanity with the brush still clenched in my fingertips. Lining my hairline with a light oil, I brought half into a low ponytail, secured in a white lace bow my mother swore would charm the pants off everyone I met in the city.
It didn't feel like me and the more my tired eyes burned through the mirror, the more I wanted to just tie the curls tight in a bun. They wouldn't allow it though and I knew that at least for now, I had to be their sunshine.
The clock didn't even read seven yet and I found myself in the closet pulling out the pastel suit my mom prepared fresh out of dry cleaning. Stockings climbed my calf and tensed my leg hairs first, then the light pink skirt followed just above my kneecaps. I tucked a creaseless white button up tight in the belted skirt and pulled my arms through the matching suit jacket.
Accessories and light makeup followed in a rushed blur and I suddenly found myself tight-jawed, lugging my father's enormous suitcase down the stairs.
Loud whispers of my tardiness echoed from the bottom of the stairs. I wheeled the massive suitcase to my chair at the dining table and sat in front of a steaming bowl of blueberry oats.
I don't think more than five minutes passed before the empty bowl was gripped by my mother and faced, criss-cross on the ground across from my father as he read a prayer to me and my younger twin brothers. He wished for fruitfulness in the city and begged for chastity and innocence to prevail for the entirety of the summer.
Caleb grabbed my hand mid-prayer with his small one and brought it to his chest as we prayed and once dad finished, he said his own in a low whisper before releasing it and embracing my body instead.
"You'll come back for my birthday right?" He asked with wide almond eyes identical to my mother's.
"And my final soccer tournament," Cooper piped.
I pulled both boys in and kissed their curly heads.
"Anything for my cubs."
They smiled with their missing-teeth grins and retreated to the kitchen where mom hollered for them to eat their oats.
Dad looked at me the same way he did when I graduated from elementary, middle, and high school, with his lips pressed in a tight line and his eyes red and glassy.
"Let's get you going, little one."
My face pressed tightly against the passenger window on the twenty minute ride to the train station. Dad didn't try and force conversation or make a fuss about me growing up too fast like he had so many times in the past month- instead parking in the spot closest to the boarding area and helped me pull my dotted suitcase from the trunk.
"You know your old man is very emotional and seeing you leave is just-" he inhaled. "Too damn much."
"I just want you to know, never lose sight of who you are. And don't let any person, no matter how big or powerful or influential define you and mold you into something you're not. You know who you are, sweetie. And who you are is who I and your mother will always love-"
"Train to New York City arriving," the speaker blared through static.
Dad pulled me in for a hug that felt like a goodbye I wasn't quite ready to offer. As his gray beard tickled my face the same way it had my entire life, I felt the pang of missing my old life before I even let go.
The train bolted fierce and suddenly all the bodies fixed on benches pooled in its empty cabins. My dad's brown eyes carried sadness, but also a hopefulness that was enough to propel me in the departing vehicle where I could make them out from the cloudy glass window.
The train slowed forward and I watched as dad chased it with a wave until I was on my way, racing to a new life.
