This is it. I can't live like this anymore. This moping around is just hell.
I ran out of the house making sure no one heard me and just sprinted off to the first place I could think of. The place I had been dying to go to.
The bridge.
It was all my fault. It was because of my stupid decisions and I can't turn them back now. That person I used to be is gone now. Now my heart is filled with darkness, darkness I can feel swallowing up my soul, hatred I have for myself and for the world. There is no way I could ignore that empty shallow darkness inside of me. I only have one choice left.
And that is obvious, I am going to leave this world.
I reached the bridge panting heavily for air and bent down putting my hands on my knees to catch my breath. What is the point, I am going to die anyways. I was not crying, I was not feeling any pain now. Only a twisted sense of determination. Determination to die.
The early morning breeze was cold on my face, the birds were not chirping. I stared at the ledge for a few moments, glanced around to make sure no one was around and slowly climbed up.
And wow, was it high.
There was a large river beneath, so far away that I thought I would die even before hitting the water. I was scared, I really was but it was nowhere near the pain I feel everyday. I took one last look at myself. I wore all black as I have since the funeral. A black shirt, black sweatpants and enormous black boots matching with my black hair.
This is how my dad will find me. But the difference would be that I wouldn't be warm anymore, the eyes that used to be alive and bright to all the people around me, would be dead and unresponding. I pushed that away immediately. Who knows, I might even meet her up there right? That was my hope.
I braced myself, all ready to jump as high as I could and have the last fun I could get. It is said you see your life flashing before your eyes right before you die but I was already watching it. All that laughter I shared with my family, silly days I had with my friends and even the littlest moments like the very stupid jokes my little brother told me that made me laugh so hard.
It was all before my eyes.
But all the childhood life passed and I grew up. Then the laughters started to fade little by little then... abruptly stopped.
I was ready to jump but then I heard soft singing. It was an unfamiliar girl's voice. It was faint and seemed far away. I couldn't make out the words. I refused to turn around to check if she saw me. The voice got closer and closer and I heard some of the words.
"...a ledge. What's going on inside that..."
I listened to the velvety voice very intently not really sure why, until I sensed that it came from right next to me. She was right next to me, watching me with a calm smile while still singing very very softly. Her voice was beautiful. I froze when I realized that I had been caught. I didn't hear the rest of the words of the song.
"So? Will you?" She asked me moments later. She had black hair like mine but a little closer to brown and hers was curly. It went down below her shoulders. Her slightly curly bangs covered her eyebrows. Her eyes were different from mine, they were slightly green but that was all I could make out in the light. She had a smile on her face that looks like she just saw a shooting star and not me and what I was going to do.
"Hey, I am talking to you." She said chuckling softly. I have been distracted speculating and didn't even hear what she said. And it took me a moment to realize what I was doing. I was here to throw myself off a bridge.
"Go away" I said harshly turning my head back to the water. One step and I would slip into the water.
"Oh come on, I sang to you with my amazing voice. Want me to sing it to you again?" Her voice was nice but I wouldn't exaggerate it that much, it was fine.
"N-" but she didn't let me finish. She started but now her voice was a bit stronger.
"I met you standing on a ledge,
What's goin' on inside that pretty head?
I met you standing on a ledge,
Why don't you come talk to me instead?"
"Hmmm" I nodded. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted her to leave me alone.
"Great! Where should we go?" Huh, oh right she was asking me.
"Please, I just...don't want to okay. I want to...to leave." I'm pretty sure she understood because when I looked at her again the smile was gone and she was watching the water with pursed lips and narrowed eyes.
"You mean die." She elaborated a whole minute later.
"Yes, now go away." I said as harshly as I could. I just hope she does and doesn't say anything else. It took a while for her to answer.
"Look, I would climb up with you and say 'you jump, I jump' like in Titanic but I am terrified of heights so can you please just go down" she waved her hands in front of herself gesturing me to go to her, with a look of pure despair on her face. No, I can't.
"No, I can't" I repeated my thoughts.
