"You'll surely forget about me, won't you?"
I had stared at him for a long time before finding the words to reply with. "No, no. I don't think I could survive your death."
His lips had pursed themselves together while he looked at the green grass below where we stood. Seconds had passed before his eyes rose back to me and he spoke, "If I do, I'll wait for you there. You need to stay here and live, be happy for as long as you like. Then you can come to me."
I had taken his hands in mine and gazed at him. "I'll remember that."
That was nearly 35 years ago when we were still young.
I stood quietly at my back door with my eyes fixed on the outside. At the edge of the yard lay a treeline that separates my home from dense forest. The depths of the woods grew quite dark in the nighttime and would radiate odd sounds of the dark.
It hadn't ever scared me. The forest was made up of my loved ones. Using a special type of burial where the ashes of those deceased grew into towering trees, that's what's created the beginning of this forest of mine.
I reached out to the golden doorknob, turned it slowly, and pushed the screen door open. It slammed shut behind me with an assuring click as I stepped outside. There are three steps to descend to get to the yard. Those steps, I remember, have gotten much harder to take recently. In my withering state of near decay, I made my way down with a grip on the iron handrail.
He'd have hated to see me struggle like this. Fussing over me until I let him help me down three measly steps.
"Oh, Love," I said quietly while moving towards the trees. A solemn apple tree stood out away from the denseness of the rest. I made my way to it while surveying the decorations around it. I remember planting the hydrangea bushes behind it, far enough away to not cause harm to the tree but close enough to be pretty. And the preserved flowers and butterfly wings I'd dipped in resin hanging from its branches.
I moved to sit on the stone bench placed in front of the medium sized apple tree. My bones resisted the movement and the lack of backrest hurt my spine. . .but, the silver wedding ring tied securely around the trunk made it worth it. It glittered in the light of the setting sun just behind us.
"I love you," I started, touching the diamonds on my own ring. "But, I think, I'm ready." My chest suddenly felt tight and my throat seemed to close off as I started to cry. "It's been so long. . ." I shifted my coat around looking for the tissues I grabbed last second before coming out here. "I just really, really miss you." The soft fabric of my sleeve would have to do. I reached up to wipe away a tear. "I don't want to be without you any more. I've lived. I've raised our children, I've seen our grandchildren get married. . . I've been happy. . ." My words trailed off, half drowned out by sobs. I stood slowly, wobbled on my unsteady feet, and stepped onto the pebbles I'd placed around him as decoration over ten years ago. They shifted under me and I nearly fell.
But I made it to him, and sat on the ground. Wiping away more tears, I leaned back against him and began wishing I could have his arms around me in this moment. "Oh, my Lovely. . ." The sun was just cresting the horizon and painting the sky shades of orange and crimson. "I'm ready to join you." I pulled my woolen coat tighter around me, though it wouldn't do any good against the night air. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the choked sobs I was making.
Somehow, some way, I drifted off. Willed myself into the eternal sleep. Ready for My Lovely.
